It is weird to think that I just had my babies ten days ago. Last week seems like such a blur as we were trying to finish up details for the funeral and visit Rallen in NICU.
Everyone keeps asking if her funeral was nice. How do I answer that? There should not have been a funeral at all. But I guess considering I had no choice in the matter it was as nice as it could be? I saw her for one last time but she was not what I remembered. I remembered her beautiful smooth skin, her tiny nose and ears, her precious mouth, tiny fingers and toes (but very long!); however, when I saw her in her casket she was not that beautiful angel. I saw the true situation and what she really looked like for the first time. Maybe I just did not want to accept the situation and wanted to stay naïve because when I talked to Ren about it he said her skin was what I saw on Thursday and not the smooth angel I saw. Many people showed up to support us, some we expected and some we didn’t but the whole experience was just overwhelming. Burying a child is hard enough let alone when you are away from another and being bombarded by people who have questions. I have questions too, but for some reason mine don’t seem to matter. My questions get me no where except for more depressed. Just getting ready for the occasion seemed impossible. Nothing seemed appropriate to wear because I should not have had to buy anything to go to my child’s funeral. I should not be burying a child at 24.
The burial was interesting. I knew it was going to be a rough day as daddy carried her out to the fire truck and as she got to take her first and only fire truck ride. It’s not fair that Ren only got to do that with her once. She is suppose to be his princess and tag along for everything! However, his mother causing a scene and leaving was not something I expected. No one understands that Ren and I are the ones grieving. We made Gabriella and we were the only ones who got to see, touch, and hold her. So while everyone else might hurt through this situation, they should be hurting for us because they never got to know her like we did. For someone to be so selfish and make the day all about them and their needs is completely unnecessary and hurtful. I had to look away when they put her casket into the ground. No parent should have to see this, let alone watch dirt be thrown on top of her. I felt so helpless as a mother as I watched dirty dirt be thrown on her. I feel like she should have been buried in gold because that is more of what she deserved.
Saying we have been on a rollercoaster of emotions is really an understatement. Every day something good happened with Rallen we had something bad with Gabi. Thursday Rallen got taken off of oxygen and phototherapy for his jaundice, and then we went to Gabi’s funeral. Friday we buried Gabi and then went to hold Rallen for the first time. I thought that Saturday would be easier, that this next week would be easier but it’s not. I don’t think time will heal this. I think that when Rallen takes his first steps that Gabi should be taking hers. I think when Rallen has his first birthday party that she should be there too. I think that Rallen and Gabi should have the same first words. I think that when we hold Rallen we should be able to hold her too. I think that right now as I am watching Rallen move around his bed in NICU that she should be right next to him kicking and moving around. How come what I think never matters?
I have never felt so helpless. My recovery is not going so well from the c-section and I’m restricted from laundry, driving, lifting, etc. I so badly want to stay busy and keep things up but I do not have that option as my complications/infections keep getting worse. I so badly want to take care of Ren. He has been there for me every time I have needed him and has gone over any expectations I might have had. He thinks and takes care of my needs before I even realize they are needs. He really has been amazing and I wonder if I would have survived without him. Might seem drastic, but in reality I feel like I would have given up completely. I worry about him though that he is going to start resenting me for all that he is doing for me and the little I am doing for him. I worry that he will find life easier with someone else who can take care of his needs. I don’t think he realizes how much I appreciate him because I don’t know how to express that fully. Every other bad thing that has happened to me I have shut down and felt really alone in; however, with this I have felt supported and close to him. I know that I always can go to him and that he can truly understand and relate to my pains. I hate that I cannot care for Rallen the way he needs me to. He needs his mom right now and I don’t feel like I can be there for him all the time as I am still grieving and recovering myself. I know he is in good hands so I do not worry about him; I just want to be there for him more. I hate that I can’t make him better and that I can’t be stronger. I hate that when I hold him I tear up and when I look at him there is a part of me that is just completely devastated that he is alone. I sit back and watch the nurses comfort him when he cries and I’m jealous. I want his dad and I to be the only ones comforting him. Why do I have to be so selfish? Why can’t I just sit and enjoy my little boy and put all other emotions behind me? I hate that I feel so guilty for Gabriella not being here. Everyone tells me it is not my fault, that there was nothing I could have done. Deep down I think I know that too and I worry that if I would have done something that Rallen would not be here; however, I still feel like a bad mom. A good mom takes care of her kids and speaks up and does something if things do not seem right. Why didn’t I do that? I sat around and complained about how I did not feel like my midwife was paying attention to me but I did nothing to change that or get a second opinion. I did nothing to fight for my daughter and that is what a good mom is suppose to do. If I missed such a crucial thing with her (that everyone says is not my fault) could I miss something with Rallen and end up hurting him in some unknown way? Their lives are so fragile and I am suppose to protect them and make them feel safe. I just feel like I neglected that with her. I hope that she knew that I loved her though and how much I miss her. I would do anything to have her here. I hope she knows that I think about her all the time. Every time I look at her brother. Every time I see another little girl. Every time I hear “princess” or “angel”. Every time I touch my stomach and realize she is not there anymore. Every time I walk into the nursery. Every time I close my eyes. Every time I see pink. I just want her to know that and know that I am sorry for what I did.
I read a book the other day called “Mommy, Please Don’t Cry” which is an ironic title since I bawled through the whole thing in the middle of Barnes and Noble. It is this little girl who is trying to comfort her mom by talking about what heaven is like. She talks about meeting this guy named Noah who built a big boat. She talks about how she is finding all these secret places to go and she can’t wait to show me. I wish I was there with her as she experienced this. I hope that she has someone up there to take care of her; like my grandma, Ren’s grandpa, or someone else who can care for her like I couldn’t.
2.12.2011
Rallen Michael and Gabriella Annette
These past few weeks have been a whirlwind as we have spent our time trying to prepare for Rallen's arrival and for Gabriella's funeral. We have not taken much of a break due to the fact that we had no idea when we would deliver. The doctor told us mid-March but we did not feel like it would take that long.
During these past few weeks we have been reminded that God has never left us and that there are still good people in this world. From strangers offering to help us with expenses to those closest to us checking in on us, we have really felt loved. In these times it is especially easy for me to get mad at God and wonder what he is doing, but people's love and support has been a constant reminder that God has not forgotten about u and that He is still active in our lives at all times.
Starting Tuesday, but especially Wednesday and Thursday, I was not feeling good. I was having a lot of back pain and was just trying to sleep it off. Thursday we went about our appointments as always when one of the places suggested that we called our doctor just to tell him that I was not feeling too good. I told them that I had an appointment the next morning (Friday) so I would just wait but they strongly urged against it.
I called the nurse expecting her to tell me I was emotional and overreacting but to my surprise she told me I needed to come into the doctor's office immediately. We were close by so we went straight there and that is when the doctor checked me and told me that Gabi had broke my water but was blocking it and that is why I did not know. He then called us into his actual office and told us that he planned on delivering the babies Friday morning at 7:30 a.m.
This was hard for me as I kept telling Ren that I was not ready to let her go. I knew that she was gone and I was not in denial over this; however, she was still inside of me and that is where I wanted to keep her awhile longer. She on the other hand wanted out. We did not have any bags packed and we frantically started calling our pastor, funeral director, and family to let them know that the day was coming. The hospital staff went over and beyond their job descriptions and took such good care of us. As I sat there upset that I did not get any maternity pictures (because our appointment was this upcoming Saturday) the nurse was calling her husband to go pick up a camera while another nurse was getting a security guard to unlock a beautiful room down the hall from us so we could have pictures taken.
It was a very sleepless and rough night but then at 4 a.m. the pain killers were not helping and I started to have contractions in my hips. They called the doctor, who was sleeping across the hall, in to check me and he told me that we had to have our babies earlier than expected. Gabriella was the first baby they pulled out (at 5:29), but they rushed her away and id not let us see her. Rallen followed close behind (at 5:31). We only saw him briefly as they flashed him over the curtain and rushed him off to make sure he was breathing.
When they took us out to recovery is when they brought us Gabriella. All I can really say is that those moments we had with our daughter can never be forgotten. She was beautiful. Ren and I cherished every moment with her and we even took some pictures with her. The NICU was even generous enough to bring us Rallen for a few minutes so we could take a picture of the four of us. I saw a quote last weekend that said "Some people dream of angels: We held one in our arms", this could not summarize it any better.
It has been a rollarcoaster of emotions since Thursday. Losing a child is hard but being separated from the other one at the same time has been overwhelming. Rallen is doing well and is pretty much breathing on his own and today he even gets to eat. Ren and I look forward to his assessment times since that means we get to be active with him and talk to him. He is a very calm baby who I swear is a momma's boy already because he opened his eyes for me a lot and then the second Ren came around with the camera he closed them. Who knew I got him trained to run away from cameras already? :)
I cannot thank everyone enough for their support, as I mentioned previously. I hopefully get released on Monday, but that is best case scenario. Rallen will be in the NICU for quite awhile still as he still has a long way to go. Gabriella's funeral is on Thursday night but we do not know the exact time yet but we will keep everyone updated as we learn ourselves.
During these past few weeks we have been reminded that God has never left us and that there are still good people in this world. From strangers offering to help us with expenses to those closest to us checking in on us, we have really felt loved. In these times it is especially easy for me to get mad at God and wonder what he is doing, but people's love and support has been a constant reminder that God has not forgotten about u and that He is still active in our lives at all times.
Starting Tuesday, but especially Wednesday and Thursday, I was not feeling good. I was having a lot of back pain and was just trying to sleep it off. Thursday we went about our appointments as always when one of the places suggested that we called our doctor just to tell him that I was not feeling too good. I told them that I had an appointment the next morning (Friday) so I would just wait but they strongly urged against it.
I called the nurse expecting her to tell me I was emotional and overreacting but to my surprise she told me I needed to come into the doctor's office immediately. We were close by so we went straight there and that is when the doctor checked me and told me that Gabi had broke my water but was blocking it and that is why I did not know. He then called us into his actual office and told us that he planned on delivering the babies Friday morning at 7:30 a.m.
This was hard for me as I kept telling Ren that I was not ready to let her go. I knew that she was gone and I was not in denial over this; however, she was still inside of me and that is where I wanted to keep her awhile longer. She on the other hand wanted out. We did not have any bags packed and we frantically started calling our pastor, funeral director, and family to let them know that the day was coming. The hospital staff went over and beyond their job descriptions and took such good care of us. As I sat there upset that I did not get any maternity pictures (because our appointment was this upcoming Saturday) the nurse was calling her husband to go pick up a camera while another nurse was getting a security guard to unlock a beautiful room down the hall from us so we could have pictures taken.
It was a very sleepless and rough night but then at 4 a.m. the pain killers were not helping and I started to have contractions in my hips. They called the doctor, who was sleeping across the hall, in to check me and he told me that we had to have our babies earlier than expected. Gabriella was the first baby they pulled out (at 5:29), but they rushed her away and id not let us see her. Rallen followed close behind (at 5:31). We only saw him briefly as they flashed him over the curtain and rushed him off to make sure he was breathing.
When they took us out to recovery is when they brought us Gabriella. All I can really say is that those moments we had with our daughter can never be forgotten. She was beautiful. Ren and I cherished every moment with her and we even took some pictures with her. The NICU was even generous enough to bring us Rallen for a few minutes so we could take a picture of the four of us. I saw a quote last weekend that said "Some people dream of angels: We held one in our arms", this could not summarize it any better.
It has been a rollarcoaster of emotions since Thursday. Losing a child is hard but being separated from the other one at the same time has been overwhelming. Rallen is doing well and is pretty much breathing on his own and today he even gets to eat. Ren and I look forward to his assessment times since that means we get to be active with him and talk to him. He is a very calm baby who I swear is a momma's boy already because he opened his eyes for me a lot and then the second Ren came around with the camera he closed them. Who knew I got him trained to run away from cameras already? :)
I cannot thank everyone enough for their support, as I mentioned previously. I hopefully get released on Monday, but that is best case scenario. Rallen will be in the NICU for quite awhile still as he still has a long way to go. Gabriella's funeral is on Thursday night but we do not know the exact time yet but we will keep everyone updated as we learn ourselves.
1.30.2011
This Isn't How its Suppose to Be
Today Ren and I went to the viewing for Cody Collins. I knew it was going to be a little hard because Cody was such a great guy and our feelings were raw and sensitive anyways. When we were standing in line his tattoo showed up on a slideshow that said “Be Here Now”. I thought about it for awhile as I realized this is a motto that I need to have right now. I need to cherish these last few moments with Gabi, even if she is not able to know what is going on. It is unfair to her (and Rallen) if I just give up and stop rubbing my stomach because she deserves to still feel love regardless of what is going on.
Then as we walked up to the parents I realized that parents should never have to bury their children. I knew this, but it struck me extra hard as I had nothing to say to Cody’s mom because there is nothing anyone can say that can make it any easier to say goodbye to your own flesh and blood. How am I suppose to stand in that same spot and bury my own child? I am not suppose to have to do that, especially at my age! Why can’t I have time and memories with her? Why can’t I have enough time of her to be able to have lasting memories? Cody’s friends and family have done his memory a great justice as they have his truck visible, his casket personalized, and people out drinking his favorite drinks and sharing stories. Why can’t I have stories to share? Why can’t I have pictures to show? Why can’t I do something personalized for her? I call her my princess, but what if she would have hated that and we would have called her something else? Why didn’t I have this chance?
We did not look into the casket because I felt like it was dishonoring to his mom. Granted it was her decision but I could not just walk past a mother’s child like that. I want to be selfish with Gabi and I do not want people looking at her, or even wanting to look at her. I will never be able to attend funerals the same again. Let alone be able to offer comforting words because they just do not exist and it would be foolish of me to even try.
I fear that I will not be strong enough for Rallen. Even now Ren has to remind me to breath and calm me down on a very regular basis. I know this is not good for Rallen and it makes me feel even worse about my abilities to be a mother. Let alone, I do not know how I am going to be able to mourn when she is here but give him the precious attention and love that he needs as a newborn. How do you celebrate a life and a death of a child within a couple of minutes?
Ren should not have to be taking care of me like he has been. He should be able to grieve in his own way and know that he can depend on me instead of fearing leaving me alone and the mess that I turn into. I hate that he can’t even work a 4 hour shift without coming over to constantly check on me. I want to be stronger for him. I do not want him to break under pressure and decide his life would just be easier with someone else (especially since there are girls just waiting for that to happen so they can jump in). I want him to feel the same amount of support and security from me that I feel from him. Without him being by my side I fear that I would have lost both kids but with him I can’t wait for our future and trying to cope with our new life and what that means.
Then as we walked up to the parents I realized that parents should never have to bury their children. I knew this, but it struck me extra hard as I had nothing to say to Cody’s mom because there is nothing anyone can say that can make it any easier to say goodbye to your own flesh and blood. How am I suppose to stand in that same spot and bury my own child? I am not suppose to have to do that, especially at my age! Why can’t I have time and memories with her? Why can’t I have enough time of her to be able to have lasting memories? Cody’s friends and family have done his memory a great justice as they have his truck visible, his casket personalized, and people out drinking his favorite drinks and sharing stories. Why can’t I have stories to share? Why can’t I have pictures to show? Why can’t I do something personalized for her? I call her my princess, but what if she would have hated that and we would have called her something else? Why didn’t I have this chance?
We did not look into the casket because I felt like it was dishonoring to his mom. Granted it was her decision but I could not just walk past a mother’s child like that. I want to be selfish with Gabi and I do not want people looking at her, or even wanting to look at her. I will never be able to attend funerals the same again. Let alone be able to offer comforting words because they just do not exist and it would be foolish of me to even try.
I fear that I will not be strong enough for Rallen. Even now Ren has to remind me to breath and calm me down on a very regular basis. I know this is not good for Rallen and it makes me feel even worse about my abilities to be a mother. Let alone, I do not know how I am going to be able to mourn when she is here but give him the precious attention and love that he needs as a newborn. How do you celebrate a life and a death of a child within a couple of minutes?
Ren should not have to be taking care of me like he has been. He should be able to grieve in his own way and know that he can depend on me instead of fearing leaving me alone and the mess that I turn into. I hate that he can’t even work a 4 hour shift without coming over to constantly check on me. I want to be stronger for him. I do not want him to break under pressure and decide his life would just be easier with someone else (especially since there are girls just waiting for that to happen so they can jump in). I want him to feel the same amount of support and security from me that I feel from him. Without him being by my side I fear that I would have lost both kids but with him I can’t wait for our future and trying to cope with our new life and what that means.
1.29.2011
"Comforting" Words from Others
Throughout the past few days some people have said some very interesting things. I am not criticizing or mad at them for saying them as I realize that they are just trying to grieve in their way and that others just do not know what to say.
Yesterday I went to dinner with the Cooks and Monica was telling me how Emma and Caroline have been having a hard time with the news. She said that every once in awhile that the girls will just tell their parents that they are sad for me. I do the same thing, but they are just too young to have to learn about death and think about kids dying. Mariah also has been asking questions in regards to why Jesus took our baby. What happened to allowing kids to play with dolls and use their imagination of worlds with princesses and castles?
During my last pregnancy I had a hard time with people telling me that God is holding my baby. While I am not saying that I do not want that to happen and I would like to imagine God holding her if I can’t, it doesn’t make me feel better. Doesn’t God have enough people in heaven to give attention and hold? Why did he need to take my baby so early and leave me here hurting so badly?
Furthermore during my last pregnancy people said we lost the baby because we were not married and it was bad timing. Now people are saying that there still must be a reason and some day we will figure out what it is. Am I that bad of a person that God doesn’t trust me to have a little girl? What is so wrong in my life that God felt the need to take her from me? I am not saying that I expected parenting twins to be easy but I was ready for the challenge.
Ren and I always rolled our eyes at people who talked to us about our twins. When we told people that we were having a boy and a girl they would always say “Good! Then you can be done!” We always just turned around and said “I am so glad they made that decision for us!” Now, people turn to us and say “Well just wait and you can try again”. I do not like thinking of replacing Gabriella and I also do not know how I feel about trying to get pregnant again considering all of our complications we have had. We do not know what our future holds with kids but I do know that it is a decision we will not be making in the near future.
Many women have sent me messages saying they understand how I feel because they lost a child too. This was comforting the first time when we were only 8 weeks along; however, I do not feel like anyone could understand this. I have one dead child and one living child inside of me. I have carried this child for 20+ weeks and was planning for her arrival and making plans for her future. This is not the same as women who have had miscarriages in their first trimester.
A girl at Starbucks yesterday told me that she was glad that these past few weeks that I have been feeling the best of the pregnancy. She then said “Maybe Gabi was just taking to much out of you”. I would take back every complaint of not feeling good, be on bed rest, and sick the rest of the entire pregnancy if it meant I could have my little girl back.
A lady at a bar walked up to me and told me that it is better that Gabi didn’t make it because than we would have a child who might have special needs. Really? It is better to not have a living child than to have one with disabilities? I understand that I do not want my child to suffer; however, it might not have been a disabling problem but something very manageable.
Last night a lady walked up to me and touched my stomach and asked if I was pregnant. I told her yes and she asked when I was due. I stuttered because I did not know this lady and really did not want to tell her that I did not know for sure. She then asked me what I was having and that is when I said “a boy and a girl”. She told me I was lucky and that (of course) at least I could be done having kids. Is that a bad thing to say? I mean I know that I do have a boy and a girl, but it is weird as I am trying to process things on my own to have people make comments about her. I just want to protect her and I do not know if that means representing her memory and making her presence known or just letting her go in peace and not have the world broadcasting it.
Others just walk up to me and ask me how the pregnancy is going and I, again, stutter through it. People always walk away feeling bad for asking and treat me differently after words. I do not want that, but I understand that it is just a hard situation. So should I lie to spare people’s feelings? Just put on a happy face and pretend like all is well?
Yesterday I went to dinner with the Cooks and Monica was telling me how Emma and Caroline have been having a hard time with the news. She said that every once in awhile that the girls will just tell their parents that they are sad for me. I do the same thing, but they are just too young to have to learn about death and think about kids dying. Mariah also has been asking questions in regards to why Jesus took our baby. What happened to allowing kids to play with dolls and use their imagination of worlds with princesses and castles?
During my last pregnancy I had a hard time with people telling me that God is holding my baby. While I am not saying that I do not want that to happen and I would like to imagine God holding her if I can’t, it doesn’t make me feel better. Doesn’t God have enough people in heaven to give attention and hold? Why did he need to take my baby so early and leave me here hurting so badly?
Furthermore during my last pregnancy people said we lost the baby because we were not married and it was bad timing. Now people are saying that there still must be a reason and some day we will figure out what it is. Am I that bad of a person that God doesn’t trust me to have a little girl? What is so wrong in my life that God felt the need to take her from me? I am not saying that I expected parenting twins to be easy but I was ready for the challenge.
Ren and I always rolled our eyes at people who talked to us about our twins. When we told people that we were having a boy and a girl they would always say “Good! Then you can be done!” We always just turned around and said “I am so glad they made that decision for us!” Now, people turn to us and say “Well just wait and you can try again”. I do not like thinking of replacing Gabriella and I also do not know how I feel about trying to get pregnant again considering all of our complications we have had. We do not know what our future holds with kids but I do know that it is a decision we will not be making in the near future.
Many women have sent me messages saying they understand how I feel because they lost a child too. This was comforting the first time when we were only 8 weeks along; however, I do not feel like anyone could understand this. I have one dead child and one living child inside of me. I have carried this child for 20+ weeks and was planning for her arrival and making plans for her future. This is not the same as women who have had miscarriages in their first trimester.
A girl at Starbucks yesterday told me that she was glad that these past few weeks that I have been feeling the best of the pregnancy. She then said “Maybe Gabi was just taking to much out of you”. I would take back every complaint of not feeling good, be on bed rest, and sick the rest of the entire pregnancy if it meant I could have my little girl back.
A lady at a bar walked up to me and told me that it is better that Gabi didn’t make it because than we would have a child who might have special needs. Really? It is better to not have a living child than to have one with disabilities? I understand that I do not want my child to suffer; however, it might not have been a disabling problem but something very manageable.
Last night a lady walked up to me and touched my stomach and asked if I was pregnant. I told her yes and she asked when I was due. I stuttered because I did not know this lady and really did not want to tell her that I did not know for sure. She then asked me what I was having and that is when I said “a boy and a girl”. She told me I was lucky and that (of course) at least I could be done having kids. Is that a bad thing to say? I mean I know that I do have a boy and a girl, but it is weird as I am trying to process things on my own to have people make comments about her. I just want to protect her and I do not know if that means representing her memory and making her presence known or just letting her go in peace and not have the world broadcasting it.
Others just walk up to me and ask me how the pregnancy is going and I, again, stutter through it. People always walk away feeling bad for asking and treat me differently after words. I do not want that, but I understand that it is just a hard situation. So should I lie to spare people’s feelings? Just put on a happy face and pretend like all is well?
1.28.2011
Our Princess Gabriella - Facebook Note
Normally I am very private with details of situations until I am ready; however, I know there are questions and so we decided it would just be easier to tell everyone at once. I hope that there is also some understanding with this though that we do not have answers and nothing makes sense to us but this is what we know:
To back track a little: I have been having problems throughout this whole pregnancy. It started with a hematoma the day after our wedding. Our last ultrasound was the first week of December (20 weeks 5 days) and they were 1 pound and 12 inches long. Then December 17th I went in for an emergency check up because I was so sick all night and I wasn’t sure if my water broke or what was going on. On December 26th I ended up being admitted to the hospital for dehydration and an infection that was putting me into contractions that were only 3 minutes apart. After that we had two doctor’s appointments before Wednesday and they told us that everything was perfectly fine.
Wednesday morning we woke up and Ren asked me if I was ready for our ultrasound appointment and I just looked at him and grinned from ear to ear and said “Let’s go see our babies!” Everything about this ultrasound was routine as the tech first scoped out the babies and then turned the screen so we could see. I thought it was weird that they started with Baby B (Rallen) because they always have started with Baby A (Gabi) but I quickly got over it as I got to see the tech measure Rallen and see that he was growing healthy. When she finished with him she left the room and I became hysterical. I never had a reason to panic before this moment; however, I remembered the doctor telling us that the tech could never tell us bad news and that she would always get a doctor to do it (Not to mention we witnessed this first hand with our first miscarriage). The doctor then came in and told us that even though I am technically at 28 weeks Rallen was measuring at 31 and Gabi was measuring at 22. I lost it and fell into Ren’s arms as the doctor told us that she did not make it. They made an appointment with the specialist for Thursday in Fort Wayne so we could get more answers and find out what this information exactly meant.
Ren and I spent the night playing “what if”. I tried to Google everything and find answers to how this could happen or what I could blame it on. Neither one of us slept well but we were trying to hope for the best and expect the worse. After all, doctors have been wrong before and we were not satisfied with how the ultrasound actually happened.
Thursday we went to the specialist but unfortunately they told us the same news. They told us that Gabi had no heart beat and was not alive. They think her heart just failed and that there was nothing anyone could have done to save her. Rallen on the other hand is healthy and huge! We were worried about a small issue with his brain (especially since Ren and his niece have had these issues at a young age) but the doctor assured us that it is nothing to worry about; he’s just going to be big like his daddy!
So the big question. What now? Well… we wait.
The doctor gave me steroid shots to help quicken lung development incase Rallen decides to come early. At this point we have no idea if he will come this weekend or in April. Gabriella will stay inside of me until Rallen decides he is ready to come out or the doctors start to worry if she is in some way hurting him (but as of now that is no concern). Ren and I decided that we will have a funeral for her and now we are just working on the details of that.
While we have no answers we are trying to keep pushing through for Rallen. We are thankful to have a healthy baby boy but it is very bitter sweet to be planning baby showers and funerals at the same time. We definitely ask for prayer and strength through this as I need to remain emotionally stable for Rallen, even on the days I just want to give up. Ren and I have a lot of hard decisions to make in a very short matter of time and we are just trying to make sure that they are good decisions and not fully based on our emotions.
Losing two babies in 7 months is not something we expected, especially since we got so far into this pregnancy and have been preparing for twins this entire time. I don’t think that even saying that I feel ambushed would begin to describe how I feel. I am trying to figure out what to do with a singleton since I have been planning so hard towards having two infants and am currently working on reworking our registries and cleaning out the nursery for the stuff we had bought for Gabriella to make more room for Rallen.
Undoubtedly we are going to need prayers through these next few weeks/months. Please keep us in your prayers and I apologize in advance if we do not respond to people right away. Personally, I sometimes just do not feel like I can answer questions or even put into words what I should say but I promise that every email and message means a lot to Ren and I as we are constantly reading them to each other throughout the day. We are determined that this will make us stronger and for some reason we keep getting put through seemingly impossible trials but we always work through them together.
Thanks again for all the support we have received so far and for the support that is to come!
The Thackers
To back track a little: I have been having problems throughout this whole pregnancy. It started with a hematoma the day after our wedding. Our last ultrasound was the first week of December (20 weeks 5 days) and they were 1 pound and 12 inches long. Then December 17th I went in for an emergency check up because I was so sick all night and I wasn’t sure if my water broke or what was going on. On December 26th I ended up being admitted to the hospital for dehydration and an infection that was putting me into contractions that were only 3 minutes apart. After that we had two doctor’s appointments before Wednesday and they told us that everything was perfectly fine.
Wednesday morning we woke up and Ren asked me if I was ready for our ultrasound appointment and I just looked at him and grinned from ear to ear and said “Let’s go see our babies!” Everything about this ultrasound was routine as the tech first scoped out the babies and then turned the screen so we could see. I thought it was weird that they started with Baby B (Rallen) because they always have started with Baby A (Gabi) but I quickly got over it as I got to see the tech measure Rallen and see that he was growing healthy. When she finished with him she left the room and I became hysterical. I never had a reason to panic before this moment; however, I remembered the doctor telling us that the tech could never tell us bad news and that she would always get a doctor to do it (Not to mention we witnessed this first hand with our first miscarriage). The doctor then came in and told us that even though I am technically at 28 weeks Rallen was measuring at 31 and Gabi was measuring at 22. I lost it and fell into Ren’s arms as the doctor told us that she did not make it. They made an appointment with the specialist for Thursday in Fort Wayne so we could get more answers and find out what this information exactly meant.
Ren and I spent the night playing “what if”. I tried to Google everything and find answers to how this could happen or what I could blame it on. Neither one of us slept well but we were trying to hope for the best and expect the worse. After all, doctors have been wrong before and we were not satisfied with how the ultrasound actually happened.
Thursday we went to the specialist but unfortunately they told us the same news. They told us that Gabi had no heart beat and was not alive. They think her heart just failed and that there was nothing anyone could have done to save her. Rallen on the other hand is healthy and huge! We were worried about a small issue with his brain (especially since Ren and his niece have had these issues at a young age) but the doctor assured us that it is nothing to worry about; he’s just going to be big like his daddy!
So the big question. What now? Well… we wait.
The doctor gave me steroid shots to help quicken lung development incase Rallen decides to come early. At this point we have no idea if he will come this weekend or in April. Gabriella will stay inside of me until Rallen decides he is ready to come out or the doctors start to worry if she is in some way hurting him (but as of now that is no concern). Ren and I decided that we will have a funeral for her and now we are just working on the details of that.
While we have no answers we are trying to keep pushing through for Rallen. We are thankful to have a healthy baby boy but it is very bitter sweet to be planning baby showers and funerals at the same time. We definitely ask for prayer and strength through this as I need to remain emotionally stable for Rallen, even on the days I just want to give up. Ren and I have a lot of hard decisions to make in a very short matter of time and we are just trying to make sure that they are good decisions and not fully based on our emotions.
Losing two babies in 7 months is not something we expected, especially since we got so far into this pregnancy and have been preparing for twins this entire time. I don’t think that even saying that I feel ambushed would begin to describe how I feel. I am trying to figure out what to do with a singleton since I have been planning so hard towards having two infants and am currently working on reworking our registries and cleaning out the nursery for the stuff we had bought for Gabriella to make more room for Rallen.
Undoubtedly we are going to need prayers through these next few weeks/months. Please keep us in your prayers and I apologize in advance if we do not respond to people right away. Personally, I sometimes just do not feel like I can answer questions or even put into words what I should say but I promise that every email and message means a lot to Ren and I as we are constantly reading them to each other throughout the day. We are determined that this will make us stronger and for some reason we keep getting put through seemingly impossible trials but we always work through them together.
Thanks again for all the support we have received so far and for the support that is to come!
The Thackers
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