Normally I am very private with details of situations until I am ready; however, I know there are questions and so we decided it would just be easier to tell everyone at once. I hope that there is also some understanding with this though that we do not have answers and nothing makes sense to us but this is what we know:
To back track a little: I have been having problems throughout this whole pregnancy. It started with a hematoma the day after our wedding. Our last ultrasound was the first week of December (20 weeks 5 days) and they were 1 pound and 12 inches long. Then December 17th I went in for an emergency check up because I was so sick all night and I wasn’t sure if my water broke or what was going on. On December 26th I ended up being admitted to the hospital for dehydration and an infection that was putting me into contractions that were only 3 minutes apart. After that we had two doctor’s appointments before Wednesday and they told us that everything was perfectly fine.
Wednesday morning we woke up and Ren asked me if I was ready for our ultrasound appointment and I just looked at him and grinned from ear to ear and said “Let’s go see our babies!” Everything about this ultrasound was routine as the tech first scoped out the babies and then turned the screen so we could see. I thought it was weird that they started with Baby B (Rallen) because they always have started with Baby A (Gabi) but I quickly got over it as I got to see the tech measure Rallen and see that he was growing healthy. When she finished with him she left the room and I became hysterical. I never had a reason to panic before this moment; however, I remembered the doctor telling us that the tech could never tell us bad news and that she would always get a doctor to do it (Not to mention we witnessed this first hand with our first miscarriage). The doctor then came in and told us that even though I am technically at 28 weeks Rallen was measuring at 31 and Gabi was measuring at 22. I lost it and fell into Ren’s arms as the doctor told us that she did not make it. They made an appointment with the specialist for Thursday in Fort Wayne so we could get more answers and find out what this information exactly meant.
Ren and I spent the night playing “what if”. I tried to Google everything and find answers to how this could happen or what I could blame it on. Neither one of us slept well but we were trying to hope for the best and expect the worse. After all, doctors have been wrong before and we were not satisfied with how the ultrasound actually happened.
Thursday we went to the specialist but unfortunately they told us the same news. They told us that Gabi had no heart beat and was not alive. They think her heart just failed and that there was nothing anyone could have done to save her. Rallen on the other hand is healthy and huge! We were worried about a small issue with his brain (especially since Ren and his niece have had these issues at a young age) but the doctor assured us that it is nothing to worry about; he’s just going to be big like his daddy!
So the big question. What now? Well… we wait.
The doctor gave me steroid shots to help quicken lung development incase Rallen decides to come early. At this point we have no idea if he will come this weekend or in April. Gabriella will stay inside of me until Rallen decides he is ready to come out or the doctors start to worry if she is in some way hurting him (but as of now that is no concern). Ren and I decided that we will have a funeral for her and now we are just working on the details of that.
While we have no answers we are trying to keep pushing through for Rallen. We are thankful to have a healthy baby boy but it is very bitter sweet to be planning baby showers and funerals at the same time. We definitely ask for prayer and strength through this as I need to remain emotionally stable for Rallen, even on the days I just want to give up. Ren and I have a lot of hard decisions to make in a very short matter of time and we are just trying to make sure that they are good decisions and not fully based on our emotions.
Losing two babies in 7 months is not something we expected, especially since we got so far into this pregnancy and have been preparing for twins this entire time. I don’t think that even saying that I feel ambushed would begin to describe how I feel. I am trying to figure out what to do with a singleton since I have been planning so hard towards having two infants and am currently working on reworking our registries and cleaning out the nursery for the stuff we had bought for Gabriella to make more room for Rallen.
Undoubtedly we are going to need prayers through these next few weeks/months. Please keep us in your prayers and I apologize in advance if we do not respond to people right away. Personally, I sometimes just do not feel like I can answer questions or even put into words what I should say but I promise that every email and message means a lot to Ren and I as we are constantly reading them to each other throughout the day. We are determined that this will make us stronger and for some reason we keep getting put through seemingly impossible trials but we always work through them together.
Thanks again for all the support we have received so far and for the support that is to come!
The Thackers
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