Unexpected Turn

This morning Ren looked at me and asked if I was ready for our appointment with the ultrasound tech. I turned to him with a genuine smile and said "Lets go see our babies!" Little did I know that it might be the last time I say those words.

The visit started off routine as the ultrasound tech looked at the kids. She turned the monitor on and started showing us our boy. I was surprised at first because they normally start with Baby A (Gabriella) but quickly forgot as we sat and admirred Rallen. Towards the end the lady got up and said she would be back. I immediately panicked. Our midwife told us before that the tech could not give us news that she would get the doctor if it was urgent. Tears started to fill my eyes as I was scared of what they would tell us.

When they returned the doctor told us that Gabriella was only at 22 weeks and Rallen is at 31 weeks. I immediately rolled over and became hysterical. They told us we lost our little princess.

I don't understand any of it! At 22 weeks I was nauseous with diarrhea, contractions, and I thought my water broke. I went to our midwife and she was unphased. Then 2 weeks later I was admitted to the hospital for an infection and dehydration. Even ast week we had an appointment and at every one they found 3 separate heartbeats (Rallen's, Gabi's, and mine). How could they if she stopped developing? That first morning my mom told me to get to the doctor because I had the same look in my eyes as I did with my first miscarriage. If she could see it why couldn't the doctors?

Am I such a bad person that I'm not meant to be a mom? Everyone has been criticizing me this whole pregnancy about doing too much, not gaining enough weight, etc. Is God punishing me for becoming so distant and not listening to the signs He is giving me? Am I not suppose to ever be a mom? Am I never going to be able to give Ren kids? Have I just had too much happiness lately? Was I too excited to have a family so it had to be snatched away from me? Why is it so easy for everyone else? Is Rallen ok? Will we have at least our little boy make it?