"Comforting" Words from Others

Throughout the past few days some people have said some very interesting things. I am not criticizing or mad at them for saying them as I realize that they are just trying to grieve in their way and that others just do not know what to say.

Yesterday I went to dinner with the Cooks and Monica was telling me how Emma and Caroline have been having a hard time with the news. She said that every once in awhile that the girls will just tell their parents that they are sad for me. I do the same thing, but they are just too young to have to learn about death and think about kids dying. Mariah also has been asking questions in regards to why Jesus took our baby. What happened to allowing kids to play with dolls and use their imagination of worlds with princesses and castles?

During my last pregnancy I had a hard time with people telling me that God is holding my baby. While I am not saying that I do not want that to happen and I would like to imagine God holding her if I can’t, it doesn’t make me feel better. Doesn’t God have enough people in heaven to give attention and hold? Why did he need to take my baby so early and leave me here hurting so badly?

Furthermore during my last pregnancy people said we lost the baby because we were not married and it was bad timing. Now people are saying that there still must be a reason and some day we will figure out what it is. Am I that bad of a person that God doesn’t trust me to have a little girl? What is so wrong in my life that God felt the need to take her from me? I am not saying that I expected parenting twins to be easy but I was ready for the challenge.

Ren and I always rolled our eyes at people who talked to us about our twins. When we told people that we were having a boy and a girl they would always say “Good! Then you can be done!” We always just turned around and said “I am so glad they made that decision for us!” Now, people turn to us and say “Well just wait and you can try again”. I do not like thinking of replacing Gabriella and I also do not know how I feel about trying to get pregnant again considering all of our complications we have had. We do not know what our future holds with kids but I do know that it is a decision we will not be making in the near future.

Many women have sent me messages saying they understand how I feel because they lost a child too. This was comforting the first time when we were only 8 weeks along; however, I do not feel like anyone could understand this. I have one dead child and one living child inside of me. I have carried this child for 20+ weeks and was planning for her arrival and making plans for her future. This is not the same as women who have had miscarriages in their first trimester.
A girl at Starbucks yesterday told me that she was glad that these past few weeks that I have been feeling the best of the pregnancy. She then said “Maybe Gabi was just taking to much out of you”. I would take back every complaint of not feeling good, be on bed rest, and sick the rest of the entire pregnancy if it meant I could have my little girl back.

A lady at a bar walked up to me and told me that it is better that Gabi didn’t make it because than we would have a child who might have special needs. Really? It is better to not have a living child than to have one with disabilities? I understand that I do not want my child to suffer; however, it might not have been a disabling problem but something very manageable.
Last night a lady walked up to me and touched my stomach and asked if I was pregnant. I told her yes and she asked when I was due. I stuttered because I did not know this lady and really did not want to tell her that I did not know for sure. She then asked me what I was having and that is when I said “a boy and a girl”. She told me I was lucky and that (of course) at least I could be done having kids. Is that a bad thing to say? I mean I know that I do have a boy and a girl, but it is weird as I am trying to process things on my own to have people make comments about her. I just want to protect her and I do not know if that means representing her memory and making her presence known or just letting her go in peace and not have the world broadcasting it.

Others just walk up to me and ask me how the pregnancy is going and I, again, stutter through it. People always walk away feeling bad for asking and treat me differently after words. I do not want that, but I understand that it is just a hard situation. So should I lie to spare people’s feelings? Just put on a happy face and pretend like all is well?