This Isn't How its Suppose to Be

Today Ren and I went to the viewing for Cody Collins. I knew it was going to be a little hard because Cody was such a great guy and our feelings were raw and sensitive anyways. When we were standing in line his tattoo showed up on a slideshow that said “Be Here Now”. I thought about it for awhile as I realized this is a motto that I need to have right now. I need to cherish these last few moments with Gabi, even if she is not able to know what is going on. It is unfair to her (and Rallen) if I just give up and stop rubbing my stomach because she deserves to still feel love regardless of what is going on.

Then as we walked up to the parents I realized that parents should never have to bury their children. I knew this, but it struck me extra hard as I had nothing to say to Cody’s mom because there is nothing anyone can say that can make it any easier to say goodbye to your own flesh and blood. How am I suppose to stand in that same spot and bury my own child? I am not suppose to have to do that, especially at my age! Why can’t I have time and memories with her? Why can’t I have enough time of her to be able to have lasting memories? Cody’s friends and family have done his memory a great justice as they have his truck visible, his casket personalized, and people out drinking his favorite drinks and sharing stories. Why can’t I have stories to share? Why can’t I have pictures to show? Why can’t I do something personalized for her? I call her my princess, but what if she would have hated that and we would have called her something else? Why didn’t I have this chance?

We did not look into the casket because I felt like it was dishonoring to his mom. Granted it was her decision but I could not just walk past a mother’s child like that. I want to be selfish with Gabi and I do not want people looking at her, or even wanting to look at her. I will never be able to attend funerals the same again. Let alone be able to offer comforting words because they just do not exist and it would be foolish of me to even try.

I fear that I will not be strong enough for Rallen. Even now Ren has to remind me to breath and calm me down on a very regular basis. I know this is not good for Rallen and it makes me feel even worse about my abilities to be a mother. Let alone, I do not know how I am going to be able to mourn when she is here but give him the precious attention and love that he needs as a newborn. How do you celebrate a life and a death of a child within a couple of minutes?

Ren should not have to be taking care of me like he has been. He should be able to grieve in his own way and know that he can depend on me instead of fearing leaving me alone and the mess that I turn into. I hate that he can’t even work a 4 hour shift without coming over to constantly check on me. I want to be stronger for him. I do not want him to break under pressure and decide his life would just be easier with someone else (especially since there are girls just waiting for that to happen so they can jump in). I want him to feel the same amount of support and security from me that I feel from him. Without him being by my side I fear that I would have lost both kids but with him I can’t wait for our future and trying to cope with our new life and what that means.