I Thought the Days Would Get Easier

It is weird to think that I just had my babies ten days ago. Last week seems like such a blur as we were trying to finish up details for the funeral and visit Rallen in NICU.

Everyone keeps asking if her funeral was nice. How do I answer that? There should not have been a funeral at all. But I guess considering I had no choice in the matter it was as nice as it could be? I saw her for one last time but she was not what I remembered. I remembered her beautiful smooth skin, her tiny nose and ears, her precious mouth, tiny fingers and toes (but very long!); however, when I saw her in her casket she was not that beautiful angel. I saw the true situation and what she really looked like for the first time. Maybe I just did not want to accept the situation and wanted to stay naïve because when I talked to Ren about it he said her skin was what I saw on Thursday and not the smooth angel I saw. Many people showed up to support us, some we expected and some we didn’t but the whole experience was just overwhelming. Burying a child is hard enough let alone when you are away from another and being bombarded by people who have questions. I have questions too, but for some reason mine don’t seem to matter. My questions get me no where except for more depressed. Just getting ready for the occasion seemed impossible. Nothing seemed appropriate to wear because I should not have had to buy anything to go to my child’s funeral. I should not be burying a child at 24.

The burial was interesting. I knew it was going to be a rough day as daddy carried her out to the fire truck and as she got to take her first and only fire truck ride. It’s not fair that Ren only got to do that with her once. She is suppose to be his princess and tag along for everything! However, his mother causing a scene and leaving was not something I expected. No one understands that Ren and I are the ones grieving. We made Gabriella and we were the only ones who got to see, touch, and hold her. So while everyone else might hurt through this situation, they should be hurting for us because they never got to know her like we did. For someone to be so selfish and make the day all about them and their needs is completely unnecessary and hurtful. I had to look away when they put her casket into the ground. No parent should have to see this, let alone watch dirt be thrown on top of her. I felt so helpless as a mother as I watched dirty dirt be thrown on her. I feel like she should have been buried in gold because that is more of what she deserved.

Saying we have been on a rollercoaster of emotions is really an understatement. Every day something good happened with Rallen we had something bad with Gabi. Thursday Rallen got taken off of oxygen and phototherapy for his jaundice, and then we went to Gabi’s funeral. Friday we buried Gabi and then went to hold Rallen for the first time. I thought that Saturday would be easier, that this next week would be easier but it’s not. I don’t think time will heal this. I think that when Rallen takes his first steps that Gabi should be taking hers. I think when Rallen has his first birthday party that she should be there too. I think that Rallen and Gabi should have the same first words. I think that when we hold Rallen we should be able to hold her too. I think that right now as I am watching Rallen move around his bed in NICU that she should be right next to him kicking and moving around. How come what I think never matters?

I have never felt so helpless. My recovery is not going so well from the c-section and I’m restricted from laundry, driving, lifting, etc. I so badly want to stay busy and keep things up but I do not have that option as my complications/infections keep getting worse. I so badly want to take care of Ren. He has been there for me every time I have needed him and has gone over any expectations I might have had. He thinks and takes care of my needs before I even realize they are needs. He really has been amazing and I wonder if I would have survived without him. Might seem drastic, but in reality I feel like I would have given up completely. I worry about him though that he is going to start resenting me for all that he is doing for me and the little I am doing for him. I worry that he will find life easier with someone else who can take care of his needs. I don’t think he realizes how much I appreciate him because I don’t know how to express that fully. Every other bad thing that has happened to me I have shut down and felt really alone in; however, with this I have felt supported and close to him. I know that I always can go to him and that he can truly understand and relate to my pains. I hate that I cannot care for Rallen the way he needs me to. He needs his mom right now and I don’t feel like I can be there for him all the time as I am still grieving and recovering myself. I know he is in good hands so I do not worry about him; I just want to be there for him more. I hate that I can’t make him better and that I can’t be stronger. I hate that when I hold him I tear up and when I look at him there is a part of me that is just completely devastated that he is alone. I sit back and watch the nurses comfort him when he cries and I’m jealous. I want his dad and I to be the only ones comforting him. Why do I have to be so selfish? Why can’t I just sit and enjoy my little boy and put all other emotions behind me? I hate that I feel so guilty for Gabriella not being here. Everyone tells me it is not my fault, that there was nothing I could have done. Deep down I think I know that too and I worry that if I would have done something that Rallen would not be here; however, I still feel like a bad mom. A good mom takes care of her kids and speaks up and does something if things do not seem right. Why didn’t I do that? I sat around and complained about how I did not feel like my midwife was paying attention to me but I did nothing to change that or get a second opinion. I did nothing to fight for my daughter and that is what a good mom is suppose to do. If I missed such a crucial thing with her (that everyone says is not my fault) could I miss something with Rallen and end up hurting him in some unknown way? Their lives are so fragile and I am suppose to protect them and make them feel safe. I just feel like I neglected that with her. I hope that she knew that I loved her though and how much I miss her. I would do anything to have her here. I hope she knows that I think about her all the time. Every time I look at her brother. Every time I see another little girl. Every time I hear “princess” or “angel”. Every time I touch my stomach and realize she is not there anymore. Every time I walk into the nursery. Every time I close my eyes. Every time I see pink. I just want her to know that and know that I am sorry for what I did.

I read a book the other day called “Mommy, Please Don’t Cry” which is an ironic title since I bawled through the whole thing in the middle of Barnes and Noble. It is this little girl who is trying to comfort her mom by talking about what heaven is like. She talks about meeting this guy named Noah who built a big boat. She talks about how she is finding all these secret places to go and she can’t wait to show me. I wish I was there with her as she experienced this. I hope that she has someone up there to take care of her; like my grandma, Ren’s grandpa, or someone else who can care for her like I couldn’t.