Normally I am very private with details of situations until I am ready; however, I know there are questions and so we decided it would just be easier to tell everyone at once. I hope that there is also some understanding with this though that we do not have answers and nothing makes sense to us but this is what we know:
To back track a little: I have been having problems throughout this whole pregnancy. It started with a hematoma the day after our wedding. Our last ultrasound was the first week of December (20 weeks 5 days) and they were 1 pound and 12 inches long. Then December 17th I went in for an emergency check up because I was so sick all night and I wasn’t sure if my water broke or what was going on. On December 26th I ended up being admitted to the hospital for dehydration and an infection that was putting me into contractions that were only 3 minutes apart. After that we had two doctor’s appointments before Wednesday and they told us that everything was perfectly fine.
Wednesday morning we woke up and Ren asked me if I was ready for our ultrasound appointment and I just looked at him and grinned from ear to ear and said “Let’s go see our babies!” Everything about this ultrasound was routine as the tech first scoped out the babies and then turned the screen so we could see. I thought it was weird that they started with Baby B (Rallen) because they always have started with Baby A (Gabi) but I quickly got over it as I got to see the tech measure Rallen and see that he was growing healthy. When she finished with him she left the room and I became hysterical. I never had a reason to panic before this moment; however, I remembered the doctor telling us that the tech could never tell us bad news and that she would always get a doctor to do it (Not to mention we witnessed this first hand with our first miscarriage). The doctor then came in and told us that even though I am technically at 28 weeks Rallen was measuring at 31 and Gabi was measuring at 22. I lost it and fell into Ren’s arms as the doctor told us that she did not make it. They made an appointment with the specialist for Thursday in Fort Wayne so we could get more answers and find out what this information exactly meant.
Ren and I spent the night playing “what if”. I tried to Google everything and find answers to how this could happen or what I could blame it on. Neither one of us slept well but we were trying to hope for the best and expect the worse. After all, doctors have been wrong before and we were not satisfied with how the ultrasound actually happened.
Thursday we went to the specialist but unfortunately they told us the same news. They told us that Gabi had no heart beat and was not alive. They think her heart just failed and that there was nothing anyone could have done to save her. Rallen on the other hand is healthy and huge! We were worried about a small issue with his brain (especially since Ren and his niece have had these issues at a young age) but the doctor assured us that it is nothing to worry about; he’s just going to be big like his daddy!
So the big question. What now? Well… we wait.
The doctor gave me steroid shots to help quicken lung development incase Rallen decides to come early. At this point we have no idea if he will come this weekend or in April. Gabriella will stay inside of me until Rallen decides he is ready to come out or the doctors start to worry if she is in some way hurting him (but as of now that is no concern). Ren and I decided that we will have a funeral for her and now we are just working on the details of that.
While we have no answers we are trying to keep pushing through for Rallen. We are thankful to have a healthy baby boy but it is very bitter sweet to be planning baby showers and funerals at the same time. We definitely ask for prayer and strength through this as I need to remain emotionally stable for Rallen, even on the days I just want to give up. Ren and I have a lot of hard decisions to make in a very short matter of time and we are just trying to make sure that they are good decisions and not fully based on our emotions.
Losing two babies in 7 months is not something we expected, especially since we got so far into this pregnancy and have been preparing for twins this entire time. I don’t think that even saying that I feel ambushed would begin to describe how I feel. I am trying to figure out what to do with a singleton since I have been planning so hard towards having two infants and am currently working on reworking our registries and cleaning out the nursery for the stuff we had bought for Gabriella to make more room for Rallen.
Undoubtedly we are going to need prayers through these next few weeks/months. Please keep us in your prayers and I apologize in advance if we do not respond to people right away. Personally, I sometimes just do not feel like I can answer questions or even put into words what I should say but I promise that every email and message means a lot to Ren and I as we are constantly reading them to each other throughout the day. We are determined that this will make us stronger and for some reason we keep getting put through seemingly impossible trials but we always work through them together.
Thanks again for all the support we have received so far and for the support that is to come!
The Thackers
1.27.2011
Unexpected Turn
This morning Ren looked at me and asked if I was ready for our appointment with the ultrasound tech. I turned to him with a genuine smile and said "Lets go see our babies!" Little did I know that it might be the last time I say those words.
The visit started off routine as the ultrasound tech looked at the kids. She turned the monitor on and started showing us our boy. I was surprised at first because they normally start with Baby A (Gabriella) but quickly forgot as we sat and admirred Rallen. Towards the end the lady got up and said she would be back. I immediately panicked. Our midwife told us before that the tech could not give us news that she would get the doctor if it was urgent. Tears started to fill my eyes as I was scared of what they would tell us.
When they returned the doctor told us that Gabriella was only at 22 weeks and Rallen is at 31 weeks. I immediately rolled over and became hysterical. They told us we lost our little princess.
I don't understand any of it! At 22 weeks I was nauseous with diarrhea, contractions, and I thought my water broke. I went to our midwife and she was unphased. Then 2 weeks later I was admitted to the hospital for an infection and dehydration. Even ast week we had an appointment and at every one they found 3 separate heartbeats (Rallen's, Gabi's, and mine). How could they if she stopped developing? That first morning my mom told me to get to the doctor because I had the same look in my eyes as I did with my first miscarriage. If she could see it why couldn't the doctors?
Am I such a bad person that I'm not meant to be a mom? Everyone has been criticizing me this whole pregnancy about doing too much, not gaining enough weight, etc. Is God punishing me for becoming so distant and not listening to the signs He is giving me? Am I not suppose to ever be a mom? Am I never going to be able to give Ren kids? Have I just had too much happiness lately? Was I too excited to have a family so it had to be snatched away from me? Why is it so easy for everyone else? Is Rallen ok? Will we have at least our little boy make it?
The visit started off routine as the ultrasound tech looked at the kids. She turned the monitor on and started showing us our boy. I was surprised at first because they normally start with Baby A (Gabriella) but quickly forgot as we sat and admirred Rallen. Towards the end the lady got up and said she would be back. I immediately panicked. Our midwife told us before that the tech could not give us news that she would get the doctor if it was urgent. Tears started to fill my eyes as I was scared of what they would tell us.
When they returned the doctor told us that Gabriella was only at 22 weeks and Rallen is at 31 weeks. I immediately rolled over and became hysterical. They told us we lost our little princess.
I don't understand any of it! At 22 weeks I was nauseous with diarrhea, contractions, and I thought my water broke. I went to our midwife and she was unphased. Then 2 weeks later I was admitted to the hospital for an infection and dehydration. Even ast week we had an appointment and at every one they found 3 separate heartbeats (Rallen's, Gabi's, and mine). How could they if she stopped developing? That first morning my mom told me to get to the doctor because I had the same look in my eyes as I did with my first miscarriage. If she could see it why couldn't the doctors?
Am I such a bad person that I'm not meant to be a mom? Everyone has been criticizing me this whole pregnancy about doing too much, not gaining enough weight, etc. Is God punishing me for becoming so distant and not listening to the signs He is giving me? Am I not suppose to ever be a mom? Am I never going to be able to give Ren kids? Have I just had too much happiness lately? Was I too excited to have a family so it had to be snatched away from me? Why is it so easy for everyone else? Is Rallen ok? Will we have at least our little boy make it?
12.31.2010
The Rollarcoaster of 2010
This year I have had a hard time writing back on the past year because it has definitely been a year full of challenges. But oh well, lets see what I can remember.
January – I got back with Ren (only 2 years later) and things were perfect. Spending every night kissing and holding each other was a dream come true; but of course ended the month letting him see my drunken side, which did not go so well.
February – Ren left me and so I drowned myself in my 21 credit hours of school and just spent the month missing him and trying to get him to come back.
March – Well the 6th was a night of magic for Ren and I and we began our track to regain the love we knew was there. I then turned around and spent the week in Florida with my parents and ending the trip in Durham with Uncle Wayne.
April – April was just a crazy month as I spent the semester trying to finish the semester strong while also maintaining and building a relationship. Also, FaithLynn had her surgery and Mariah spent the week with us so we got to experience a crash course in parenting while driving over 1000 miles that week between Auburn, Indy, to Wabash.
May – Things of course got rough again as I turned into my depressed self and pushed Ren away. I let my emotions get to me and pushed Ren to be around a girl who made me think that he cheated with her. I kicked him out and did what I do best, tried to run away.
June – The morning of the 3rd I wrote Ren a letter and felt confident that we needed another 2 year break. I did not want to be done, but I just did not feel like we were ready (or maybe just I wasn’t ready to let someone fully in). Later that afternoon my life was changed when I took 2 pregnancy tests that turned out positive. I told Ren and although I know he secretly wanted to be happy, it just felt like bad timing and he of course questioned if I was telling the truth so I took the 3rd positive pregnancy test the next morning. We were excited but those around us were not and my mother cried. The 25th Ren took a huge step and asked my dad if he could marry me. Even though my dad warned him of my craziness it did not turn Ren away and I spent the next few days guessing how I thought he would propose. I told him I thought it would be under the fireworks (because that is what I always wanted) and to my surprise he got all defensive. Then the 29th I lost a piece of my heart. As Ren and I went to our first baby’s doctor appointment we were ecstatic but clueless about how the process worked. As we went into the ultrasound room I could tell that our midwife was having problems finding their heartbeat. I left devastated knowing that this was not going to turn out good but Ren of course was strong for our family. We went back the next day to a very cold ultrasound tech who walked out of the room with a somber “I’m sorry” which was followed by a doctor who told us that they could not find their heartbeat and we had lost our first child.
July – The 1st was an awful day as I was forced to face the reality of losing our first child. I never would have made it without Ren as he was there for me every minute and did not let me sit in my misery but let me cry when I needed to. Previously I was worried that he was a controlling guy, but this day changed my perspective as I knew he was not controlling me but looking out for me. The 4th we went to the Bixler Lake Fireworks and as we were sitting there the thought of how I wanted to be proposed to crossed my mind; however, I knew he did not have a chance to get a ring so as I almost made a sarcastic comment such as “now would be a perfect time to propose” he pulled me in and started talking sweet to me. He was very casual and told me how much he loved me and asked if I wanted to spend forever with him (which was not an uncommon conversation for us) and he asked if I would marry him, but I was completely clueless that he was actually proposing till he slid a ring on my finger when I said yes. It was perfect. Very romantic, very low key, and the perfect man. We spent the rest of the month planning out wedding. We wanted to get married in October when we were pregnant and we decided to keep the date regardless of losing our child.
August – I hadn’t started my period and I was starting to freak out about it a little bit so I grabbed a pregnancy test while Ren was at work, without him knowing. August 10th we found out that we were expecting again. We were both in shock and did not tell anyone. We found ourselves back at the doctor’s office a few weeks later and I was Captain Negativity. I cautioned Ren before we walked in and asked him if he was ready to lose another child; however, we were in complete shock as we walked in expecting to walk out losing another child but really walked out with two kids. We even got to hear our kids’ heartbeats!
September – We took our first road trip (or pre-honeymoon) and went to Florida to spend the week with Ren’s grandma. On our way back I had spotting and was scared that we lost them, but went back to the doctor’s office and they were still doing good.
October – The 16th we got married! While I protested a big wedding and avoided eye contact with the audience at all costs, I really did enjoy myself. I never felt so good about myself and I even got to wear my first dress! We used our dollar dance money to get a hotel and woke up to a nightmare. I thought I felt something weird so I walked to the bathroom and when I turned on the light I saw blood all over. This is not how I expected to wake up my first day married but I started crying and yelled for Ren and he handled the situation like a pro and was on the phone with our doctor within a few minutes. We spent the afternoon at the hospital but the kids yet again made it through another trial and I was diagnosed with a hematoma. On the 20th we found out we were definitely having a (showoff) boy, Rallen. They could not guarantee that the other baby was a girl but they were sure, and a few weeks later we did find out that we were going to have a little princess, Gabriella.
November – The honeymoon did not last long as my relationship problems quickly emerged and exploded. Thanksgiving Eve the fighting got so intense that the night ended with holes in the walls, police stations, car chases, and moving out. Our problems were quickly exaggerated and I was quickly wondering if I was going to end up being a single mom of twins.
December – I moved back in with my parents and had many complications with my health. Still don’t know what is going to happen with Ren, but I’m devastated. That I do know. On a good note, I finally graduated from college.
I don’t know what 2011 will bring. All I know is that emotionally I am a mess and have a lot to figure out before my kids get here. I just want to be a good mom, I hope next year I can say that I love my kids and put them first and that I am a family. I want Ren to come back to us.
January – I got back with Ren (only 2 years later) and things were perfect. Spending every night kissing and holding each other was a dream come true; but of course ended the month letting him see my drunken side, which did not go so well.
February – Ren left me and so I drowned myself in my 21 credit hours of school and just spent the month missing him and trying to get him to come back.
March – Well the 6th was a night of magic for Ren and I and we began our track to regain the love we knew was there. I then turned around and spent the week in Florida with my parents and ending the trip in Durham with Uncle Wayne.
April – April was just a crazy month as I spent the semester trying to finish the semester strong while also maintaining and building a relationship. Also, FaithLynn had her surgery and Mariah spent the week with us so we got to experience a crash course in parenting while driving over 1000 miles that week between Auburn, Indy, to Wabash.
May – Things of course got rough again as I turned into my depressed self and pushed Ren away. I let my emotions get to me and pushed Ren to be around a girl who made me think that he cheated with her. I kicked him out and did what I do best, tried to run away.
June – The morning of the 3rd I wrote Ren a letter and felt confident that we needed another 2 year break. I did not want to be done, but I just did not feel like we were ready (or maybe just I wasn’t ready to let someone fully in). Later that afternoon my life was changed when I took 2 pregnancy tests that turned out positive. I told Ren and although I know he secretly wanted to be happy, it just felt like bad timing and he of course questioned if I was telling the truth so I took the 3rd positive pregnancy test the next morning. We were excited but those around us were not and my mother cried. The 25th Ren took a huge step and asked my dad if he could marry me. Even though my dad warned him of my craziness it did not turn Ren away and I spent the next few days guessing how I thought he would propose. I told him I thought it would be under the fireworks (because that is what I always wanted) and to my surprise he got all defensive. Then the 29th I lost a piece of my heart. As Ren and I went to our first baby’s doctor appointment we were ecstatic but clueless about how the process worked. As we went into the ultrasound room I could tell that our midwife was having problems finding their heartbeat. I left devastated knowing that this was not going to turn out good but Ren of course was strong for our family. We went back the next day to a very cold ultrasound tech who walked out of the room with a somber “I’m sorry” which was followed by a doctor who told us that they could not find their heartbeat and we had lost our first child.
July – The 1st was an awful day as I was forced to face the reality of losing our first child. I never would have made it without Ren as he was there for me every minute and did not let me sit in my misery but let me cry when I needed to. Previously I was worried that he was a controlling guy, but this day changed my perspective as I knew he was not controlling me but looking out for me. The 4th we went to the Bixler Lake Fireworks and as we were sitting there the thought of how I wanted to be proposed to crossed my mind; however, I knew he did not have a chance to get a ring so as I almost made a sarcastic comment such as “now would be a perfect time to propose” he pulled me in and started talking sweet to me. He was very casual and told me how much he loved me and asked if I wanted to spend forever with him (which was not an uncommon conversation for us) and he asked if I would marry him, but I was completely clueless that he was actually proposing till he slid a ring on my finger when I said yes. It was perfect. Very romantic, very low key, and the perfect man. We spent the rest of the month planning out wedding. We wanted to get married in October when we were pregnant and we decided to keep the date regardless of losing our child.
August – I hadn’t started my period and I was starting to freak out about it a little bit so I grabbed a pregnancy test while Ren was at work, without him knowing. August 10th we found out that we were expecting again. We were both in shock and did not tell anyone. We found ourselves back at the doctor’s office a few weeks later and I was Captain Negativity. I cautioned Ren before we walked in and asked him if he was ready to lose another child; however, we were in complete shock as we walked in expecting to walk out losing another child but really walked out with two kids. We even got to hear our kids’ heartbeats!
September – We took our first road trip (or pre-honeymoon) and went to Florida to spend the week with Ren’s grandma. On our way back I had spotting and was scared that we lost them, but went back to the doctor’s office and they were still doing good.
October – The 16th we got married! While I protested a big wedding and avoided eye contact with the audience at all costs, I really did enjoy myself. I never felt so good about myself and I even got to wear my first dress! We used our dollar dance money to get a hotel and woke up to a nightmare. I thought I felt something weird so I walked to the bathroom and when I turned on the light I saw blood all over. This is not how I expected to wake up my first day married but I started crying and yelled for Ren and he handled the situation like a pro and was on the phone with our doctor within a few minutes. We spent the afternoon at the hospital but the kids yet again made it through another trial and I was diagnosed with a hematoma. On the 20th we found out we were definitely having a (showoff) boy, Rallen. They could not guarantee that the other baby was a girl but they were sure, and a few weeks later we did find out that we were going to have a little princess, Gabriella.
November – The honeymoon did not last long as my relationship problems quickly emerged and exploded. Thanksgiving Eve the fighting got so intense that the night ended with holes in the walls, police stations, car chases, and moving out. Our problems were quickly exaggerated and I was quickly wondering if I was going to end up being a single mom of twins.
December – I moved back in with my parents and had many complications with my health. Still don’t know what is going to happen with Ren, but I’m devastated. That I do know. On a good note, I finally graduated from college.
I don’t know what 2011 will bring. All I know is that emotionally I am a mess and have a lot to figure out before my kids get here. I just want to be a good mom, I hope next year I can say that I love my kids and put them first and that I am a family. I want Ren to come back to us.
8.29.2010
Clarity or Hormones?
These seem to run together and blur between the lines of reality. I desire clarity and while I think I find it I wonder if it is just my hormones going out of control. Vise Versa, I feel like I am losing my mind and going crazy and it must just be the hormones, or am I finally seeing clearly?
Will I ever really know what reality is for me? Will I ever really find truth in a broken world full of hurt and troubles that are never going to leave my life?
I desire life, love, and clarity. The rest can go to hell.
Will I ever really know what reality is for me? Will I ever really find truth in a broken world full of hurt and troubles that are never going to leave my life?
I desire life, love, and clarity. The rest can go to hell.
8.26.2010
Take 2
Two days ago I found out that I am pregnant with twins. This is simply a miracle in my eyes because I did not think that I would have this chance again, let alone so soon.
The past few weeks has been chaotic as I have been on a rollarcoaster of emotions but now that I saw a heartbeat I have hope. I know that things are going to be ok now and I am now out to care for my babies from this day forward no matter what it takes. However, I hate this feeling of being possessed, I do not even feel like myself. Words that come out of my mouth shock me and thoughts that I have make me wonder what I have become.
I wish others saw it as a miracle like I do.
The past few weeks has been chaotic as I have been on a rollarcoaster of emotions but now that I saw a heartbeat I have hope. I know that things are going to be ok now and I am now out to care for my babies from this day forward no matter what it takes. However, I hate this feeling of being possessed, I do not even feel like myself. Words that come out of my mouth shock me and thoughts that I have make me wonder what I have become.
I wish I could find my purpose again.
Maybe thats what is missing. I grew up knowing what my purpose was and feeling full of purpose as I was living a life that I was proud of. Now I am a walking disgrace to many who want to disown me as a daughter, as a friend, and as a partner. I am losing everything around me, so it feels. I need to own motherhood but that cannot consume me. I need to go back to finding where I belong and plugging myself into the Kingdom. That is when I am happy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
