Sometimes I Doubt God

This statement should not come as a surprise because 1) I am human and 2) if you have read any of my previous blogs or talked to me once it has probably came up. Today this was also the title of the sermon at church where our worship pastor got in front of the entire congregation and talked about confessions of a pastor.

He talked about how church is the place for those who doubt God and where we should come with our struggles, our addictions, and our reasons on why we hate God because it is the safe place to be. I use to believe that. Now I go to church and avoid eye contact with particular people who make my presence or the presence of my family seem like a bother. I am suppose to go to the people sitting around me in the auditorium when I am just unsure about life and need a little confidence booster. I am suppose to go to the same people who also sit there and say that my family and I are not good enough to even be sitting there because we have sinned. Maybe I should just carry around stones so they can throw them because the people I meet outside of church would not do that, they have sinned just like me. Perfect people are only in the church I guess.

How am I not supposed to doubt God and the church when this is all I can think about when I am sitting next to these hypocrites? I know this is not what my pastor wants and I saw his wife cry today at the mention of how I feel when I walk in those doors. Will it ever change though?
Sometimes I doubt God more because life just sucks for me most days. I can’t make it through even a Hallmark movie as I sit and wish that my life could turn out like that, or that my past could have been as blessed as some. Sometimes, ok most of the time, I doubt God because he would not have created a life like the one I see in the mirror.

I look in the mirror and I don’t see a lot. I see a lot of potential, but the potential is bruised, maimed, and hidden because life just isn’t what I expected. That is the definition of doubt anyways. No one doubts what they want to see, they only doubt when their expectations go unmet.

Two weeks ago I got my first birthday cake and presents since I was in single digits. Last night I watched an incredibly proud father not even able to keep in his excitement and joy when listening to his son’s cd because of how amazing it was. Today I watched a lady try to offer me food and money and a hug as I sat there and cried.

Isn’t my family supposed to do those things? Aren’t my parents suppose to tell me when I do something good and that they are proud of? Or wish me happy birthday? Or give me a sandwich when I am hungry?

I watch my friend as he has been changing and is becoming more and more like the man he wants to be and I cannot help but be jealous. When can I reach that moment where I can no longer doubt but be able to see the change in my life and the beautiful moments even amidst the ugly?

The party life has sucked me in. It lives up to its expectations. I go home feeling important because I had friends around all night, they may not remember my name in the morning but at least they remembered for awhile. I wake up feeling awful and going through my day and return to it at night where it greets me with open arms and temporarily lets me forget about the bruises, the maiming, and the hidden topics.

I don’t want that and I know that the potential God has put in me is much more than that. But sometimes I doubt God honestly because I need some earthly representation that is gonna step up and not try to make up and rub in the fact that I have had some absent people in my life. And sometimes I doubt God because I know I am gonna have to face the facts, mend some wounds, and try and pretend like things in the past didn’t happen so I can genuinely love without being extravagant or becoming tired and weary.