Finished Business?

Almost two years ago I wrote about my rocky past involving my grandparents and all of the anger I have felt from that situation (titled “Unfinished Business”). I also wrote about how I was unsure if I wanted to confront the issue and speak my peace. To continue those thoughts I marched into my grandmother’s hospital room that night and told her that I remembered and she told me I was a liar. She told me that I made it all up and that the bruises were fictitious discoloring of the skin. If only I knew I had that great of an imagination all along!

I told her she could try to convince me into forgetting and pretending like it would never happen but that she could not erase the recent events of her mistreating my mother. I told her she would never talk to my mother like that again or lay a hand on anyone in my life. She told me I was being absurd. Then other family members walked in and I walked out of that room and out of her life.

I said what I wanted to but it didn’t matter. It did not make a difference in my life or with my feelings. It did not change our relationship and I just kept on ignoring her until two weeks ago today.

It was a Tuesday afternoon and I got a phone call from my mom asking me to go to the emergency room because my grandmother was being taken there by EMS. She just asked me to see if she was being transported to Fort Wayne so my mom would not have to drive her for nothing so I reluctantly agreed for my mom’s sake. When I got there they did not know if she was going to stay all night or not and I suddenly realized I was going to have to spend the entire night in her room waiting for news. My aunt said she was too tired to stay, my cousin had to get home to her kids, and my mom was sick and not allowed in the hospital because of the swine flu.

I stayed and was civil, but maintained surface level conversation and avoided all eye contact (even though she is blind it made me feel better that I stayed distant). I cancelled all my plans and ended up with her all night and taking her home until my aunt got home to take care of her. The next day was her 76th birthday and I even went to lunch with her and my family. She suddenly felt better just like the other dozen times she had seemed to fake near death experiences.

My mom applauded me for helping out but she knew it caused a lot of turmoil for me. I did not like taking care of her. Who would like to take care of a person who denies you your right of emotions and life changing memories? I was the most angry and hateful that I have been in years. I even pushed my cousin down and cursed at her when she tried to hug me.

Since then my grandma had been hospitalized and put in the nursing home for a 30 day recovery process in which my parents would ask me to come visit and I continually said no. I wouldn’t even make up excuses anymore, I just said no. Even Saturday night my parents asked me to come to the nursing home just so I could make dinner plans with them there than leave to go eat and I would not even do that. I wanted nothing to do with her.

Yesterday my mom came over and I could see the concern and hurt in her eyes. She even asked the staff at the nursing home if my grandmother was going through the dying process and they looked shock that she would even ask and told her no. But this was a new look in my mother’s eyes.

Generally I am awful at answering my phone, I just don’t like to, but yesterday I answered every phone call from everyone in my family. Even if I knew I barely had reception I answered it. I just had this feeling that at any moment someone would be calling me and telling me that my grandma had passed on. I don’t know why I had this feeling and I was really apathetic about it honestly, but that is what I thought every time. But every time it was about something else.

Until this morning.

My grandmother passed away. Like really passed away. Jokes are over. And it really happened. I had to go see with my own eyes, and even when I walked within a few feet of her to grab a Kleenex I swore I heard her talk. I thought it was just another game. She is more strong willed and stubborn than me so I just could not believe it. Then I saw her wrapped up and carried out in a zipped up body bag.

So what do I do now? I talked previously about how I buried a lot of pain with my grandfather and blamed him for everything until she proved to me that she was not blameless what so ever. Is it really over though? Can my guard really go down now? Is it safe to live fearless of her hurting me again?

I honestly have been hoping she would just die. For years now that was what I wanted because I could not see her without being immediately angry and mad. I didn’t want to deal with the continual emotions of wondering if she would make it through this sickness or this hospital visit. I thought I would feel better when I got the call that she was really gone. I thought I would feel relief. But I don’t.

I tried to make peace though, I wanted to forgive her, and even at one point I was mad at my mom for not letting my grandmother live with us and for putting her in a nursing home temporarily. None of those mattered because she wouldn’t accept that. Even my grandfather apologized the summer before he died as he cried and hugged me. She couldn’t even do that.

So why do I care? Why am I sitting at Starbucks looking like a fool crying about this? Why wasn’t this a good life changing moment in my life? Why did she die in the room that coincidentally is my lucky number? How do I move on? Can I really forget and move on now? Will I ever get a single answer to any of these questions?