Repetitive ramblings that are suppose to make me feel better

It actually happened. Not that I really believed that my grandma died and as morbid as it sounds I still thought I heard her talking as if it was all just another scene. Then I watched her be wheeled out in a zipped up body bag. It is now the end of a brutal chapter.

I thought I would feel better about this. I figured everyone else would have their moments and I would be the one they thought was soulless because I wouldn’t even be able to shed a tear, but that has not been the case.

I watched my cousins be told last night and as they came across the room and hugged me and wouldn’t let go I thought I would be the strong one. I thought I would finally feel safe and as if I would not have to protect them and hide them behind me anymore.

I have been saying for years that I just wish she would die. I wanted to burn down her house that she no longer lives in. I was hoping that they would help me forget and move on and feel better. But nothing works. I still feel awful and am drowning myself in coping mechanisms that only allow relief for the night. Is anything going to make this all go away?

My grandma called me a liar and told me that I made everything up and that she did not do anything. As angry as I was for her denying my feelings and memories I really wish I could. Was that what she was trying to do? Was she in her death bed years ago trying to help me let her go by trying to make me think it never happened?

My grandfather sought out for redemption in his final days as this big monster with walls higher than China sat down and told me that he was proud of me for something (wish I could remember) and then cried and hugged me and apologized. Thinking about it just makes me tear up. I wanted to bury the past with him and blame him but knew he was different and I was just content. I no longer understood or could explain and I was ok with that.

I wish I felt content about this. I wanted to make peace years ago with her but she just did not allow it. And now on Friday we will bury her, bury emotions, and bury memories. I hope.