I'm Scared

I just got done watching The Proposal and while it was an awful movie that I never want to watch again Sandra Bullock said 2 words that I have not been bold enough to say. I'm scared.

I'm scared of a lot of things and insecurity could possibly be my middle name but the thing that scares me the most is trusting someone. I have tried to trust lots of people, from people at church, to strangers I meet, to family, to friends, to a man I thought I was going to marry; and most of them failed me. My expectations were to high and I hoped that by me trusting them I would feel better myself and that never happened.

Expectations is an awful word. Chad has been talking about expectations in youth group to the point where I realized a lot about myself that I did not like. Everyone has expectations for me and I cannot live up to any of them so my answer has been to only half do everything. There is nothing that I really really love to do with all my heart or that I invest in because those that I have tried to trust have just tore me down since I did not do what they expected.

These 2 realizations this week have not been easy for me and has challenged me to think about many life decisions. I am a lot like the Sandra in the movie where I take the easy path anymore because I am too scared for anything else. I am too scared to be hurt and to feel any more heartache for awhile because I honestly just don't think it can handle it. I have thrown expectations out the window and cut out a lot of people whose expectations I will never fulfill. But now I need to fill that hole with something new because I have never done this before.

I want to be confident in myself and know that I have gotten to the place I am because of me; however, I do not want to be so scared that I pass on amazing opportunities and people who can change my life for the better. I want to be able to trust without expectations but hope that this time will be different and that I will no longer need to earn a spot in a person's life and risk losing it for something/someone I can never truly, whole-heartedly be.