Security Please

I like to have a somewhat tough exterior and not let people in because the few times I have let the guard down I was completely demolished and I have not recoupperated enough to try again.

Last night during my typical "please leave me alone" speech that I give (but barely ever mean)this one particular guy said "maybe that right person hasn't been there to tell you its ok"

I just kinda sat there not knowing what to say back. I feel like there have been many people that I have let my guard down to so I almost felt insulted for them by this comment. Then I realized that even those people tend to still hurt my feelings enough that I still remain guarded. I am tired of being everyone's punching bag. And it was then that I realized, there is no one that I have been truly authentic with.

Maybe we are not always suppose to talk about what is going on, but I feel like that can't be true because I feel miserable as a result and I don't think God intended for me to be constantly miserable.

Too many times I am worried about everyone else's feelings. I worry that if I tell people what is really going on they will be disappointed, and I hate hearing that word. I worry that people will say "drama" and change the topic, and that just makes me feel ignorant and worthless. I worry that if I tell people it will cause more controversy and more hurt feelings so I think that I can take it on myself and just keep it all bottled up. I worry that people think they can fix me and it is not always that easy it seems. I worry that the judgemental looks will begin; I mean I am a Christian and they are generally the most critical group. I worry that it could alter a dominoe effect that I could not imagine yet and I would not want that either.

I sit in my room most nights just wishing that I could let people in. Some nights I will call people in an almost "911" call, but they generally do not pick up probably because it will be "drama" or they have better things to do then to talk to me. And those are the people I let in. Why? All I really want is to have someone to feel completely safe with being myself around because in turn that will give me confidence and security that I need to get by.

The one person I have probably come the closest to being truly authentic with disappears more than the great Hudini most of the time. They seem interested but when I call in desperation for my friend they disappear for a few weeks hoping the next time we are in contact maybe I will just forget or I will just be excited enough to be acknowledged that I will forget how bad my feelings were hurt the time before. I wish I could forget. Instead I put it all on myself and I am so tired of it. I don't want to be people's punching bags any more. I want to feel truly safe and not just call body guards to temporarily make the situation ok because I have found out that they are rarely consistent enough to really feel safe.

I know, and everyone knows who is reading this, that unfortunately these same people will continue to run over me, and I will let them, and this blog will seem like a waste of time and a waste of space that someone could have used to actually give them accountability to change. Maybe this is my Christmas Wish though.

For Christmas I want the right person to tell me it is ok and show that they mean it too and for life as I know it to change.

Most Days...

I really don't like myself

I don't understand why people are my friends

I can't comprehend why youth, or anyone, would ever look up to me at all

I think that people who have died would have had a much more productive day and would have made a bigger difference in the world than I did

I lack common courtesy

My temper gets the best of me

I just cannot please anyone

I say things I don't really mean

I wonder when this pain I feel will melt away or will find some purpose

I read into my dreams maybe more than I should

I get involved in situations I really want nothing to do with

I hate disappointing people so I can't say no even if it is in my best interest

I let people hurt me and I don't stand up for myself because I would rather take it on myself

I feel like a constant punching bag for people

I think that drinking or using drugs will help me forget

I bottle up my emotions and avoid confrontation

I wish I was more artsy or had a talent to express myself

I am confusing and I long for normalcy but don't know where to begin

I have no idea who I am

I desire healthy relationships with people around me, but barely ever take the steps needed to achieve that

I push people away

I am scared of going new places

I wonder if my dreams will ever come true

I become offended of the word drama

It is just easier to stay in bed

Walking into a Panic Attack

My friend and I always described the first day of school as walking into a panic attack. While the first day is always suppose to be somewhat exciting and boring all at once, we just felt as if we were walking into something that we could not predict. We had no idea who our lockers were going to be by, who would be in our classes, who we would have lunch with, and etc, and that can be somewhat terrifying on the first day when everyone is just trying to find their place to fit in. Once I graduated from high school though I figured that phrase would become outdated but there would be no other way to describe tonight though than I walked into a panic attack.

I went out to a bar in Fort Wayne and I was so excited to go because I was going with some of my close friends that I do not always get to hang out with. Our nights always consist of lots of laughs and new ways to make fun of each other (Carla: flannel is hot) but tonight I was just in another world. I knew where I was and I was aware of my surroundings but I was in a state of panic the entire time. As people walked around drunk and touching each other I kept my eyes open looking for my family and terrified of what I would find if I looked too hard.

My biological family gives me a lot of grief that I do not always lead onto because I feel like it is only my own problem since I opened the original door for them. I put all the weight on my shoulders and live this double life that many do not realize I live in and I am generally ok with that. Many on the outside do not understand some of my weird ways and how I ditch plans a lot or just avoid certain situations, but I promise that generally there is a rhyme or reason. And now because things did not turn out how I thought they would I just close new people off all together.

I realize that closing people out of what is really going on is not the right thing to do, but most days it seems like the only thing I can do. People run away from "drama" and messy situations because they do not want to get involved, and that I understand. But is there a point when it is not drama but it is real life? I do not think that life issues should always be labeled "drama" and I am generally offended by it. Did I invite my family into my life? Yes. Did I invite my family to try to completely change my life and alter it in ways I never could have imagined? No. So please do not say it is all drama because for me most days I fight to breath fresh air from this situation.

My biological family tells me how pathetic I am and if I would just come home than maybe, just maybe, I would become a better person. They also mention ways that they can make me join their lifestyle without my permission. Now I know that I am an adult and that they really could not do this but when you are called by your birth name and talked to like a child is talked to, it is hard not to revert back into my younger years when they did have control and a say over my life. It completely scares me and makes me want to hide in my room, under the covers, and hope that it all goes away most days if I am going to just be completely honest.

Tonight, going out in Fort Wayne, where I know they go out to, was a huge stretch for me and one that I did not enjoy. Maybe it was good that I got out, but for now I think I am going to go back to hiding under my covers because that is not a world I want to be apart of and fearing for MY life that I have created (whether I am proud of it or not) is not a battle I am ready to fight for yet or a panic attack I want to address any time soon.

Reckless, yet obvious, Faith

Lately I have kept kind of quiet about my fears, failures, and future because honestly they are all a jumbled up mess and I have no idea what is going on most days. But lately I have been so jealous of Joel and his child like faith that I have to share it. If he does not prove the quality of Child like Faith I don't know whatever will. I find myself jealous of his faith and I wish I had that kind of courage to just ask for the best of the best; however, most days I am too selfish that I just want the here and now and I pray for vagueness and quick answers but I think God has been shouting at me to pray for more specifics because even though the Holy Spirit intervenes and makes my words perfect, I still need to stop asking for crumbs when I could be served top of the line steak.

I grew up in church so I know the whole "ask and you shall receive" line, so I ask ask and ask some more but Matthew, Luke, and Mark put this into more of a Joel perspective...

Matthew: "But Jesus was matter-of-fact: "Yes—and if you embrace this kingdom life and don't doubt God, you'll not only do minor feats like I did to the fig tree, but also triumph over huge obstacles. This mountain, for instance, you'll tell, 'Go jump in the lake,' and it will jump. Absolutely everything, ranging from small to large, as you make it a part of your believing prayer, gets included as you lay hold of God."

Luke: "Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn't a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing. You're at least decent to your own children. So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?

Mark: "Jesus was matter-of-fact: "Embrace this God-life. Really embrace it, and nothing will be too much for you. This mountain, for instance: Just say, 'Go jump in the lake'—no shuffling or shilly-shallying—and it's as good as done. That's why I urge you to pray for absolutely everything, ranging from small to large. Include everything as you embrace this God-life, and you'll get God's everything. And when you assume the posture of prayer, remember that it's not all asking. If you have anything against someone, forgive—only then will your heavenly Father be inclined to also wipe your slate clean of sins."

I want to accomplish major feets and triumph over huge obstacles! I want to stop with the cat and mouse game! I want to forgive more! I want to really embrace the God-life that was intended for me! But what does that mean? This seems so obvious, but so hard to grasp because if it was that easy, wouldn't everyone be doing it?

It is time to start praying for specifics. It is time to start praying that God opens the door so I can buy a business. I need to start praying for my position in the church and that I can be in the right place at the right time. I need to pray for the kids I cannot wait to adopt someday. I need to pray for money for that. I need to pray for my confidence, strength, and happiness. I need to pray for true, authentic friendships. I need to pray for my relationship with that heartbreaking boy and that he turns into my prince charming. I need to pray for my dream job. I need to pray for a forgiving heart towards my family. I need to pray that love always wins. I need to pray for doses of child like innocence. I need to pray that I never forget Joel and his courage of a mustard seed to ask questions and demand answers when no one else would.

But by asking for what I want to be done am I missing out on what God wants me to do?

Maybe if I understand God then I would not ask for things He would not intend for me to ask for?

Is it ever ok to ask for vagueness out of Faith that whatever happens will work out some how?

Maybe child like faith is only intended for children and these moments are only to remind me that they are precious but I am an adult now so should I be considerring more "adult-like" and "mature" issues?

Perhaps I am overthinking this whole thing and I just wasted a lot of time that I could have been doing something much more effective?

Unfinished Business

As this week comes to end, so might a life, legacy, and a heart full of hurt.

Twelve years ago I lost a part of my heart as my best friend, my Grandma Kate, died. I admit that I was young and possibly to naive to realize the circumstances were intense and many family secrets were broken. During the most trying parts of the grieving process, my parents decided to try and replace the void in my life by allowing my other grandmother to reenter my life. I was timid at first because the last time I saw her she ran out of the house and when I ran after her she slammed the door in my face. I never asked her to come visit again and her name was never mentioned in the house so I felt like I had a right to present myself emotionally disconnected. I resisted being alone with her, I resisted letting her get close to me, and I resisted to give her a second chance.

One night I gave in, against my intuition, and spent the entire night with my grandmother and her husband because my three younger cousins were going to be there and I assumed it would be fun. Little did I know this night would haunt me and that her husband had an awful temper. I soon found myself in a war zone protecting my cousins from impending and unavoidable doom. But I failed and my little cousin had bruises to prove it. I sat there helplessly in front of my other two cousins and blocked their view and hoped that they would not be next; unfortunately, I could still see the rage in his eyes as he kept hitting her harder the harder she would cry. My grandmother stood right next to him watching and snickering, and she never once told him that he had went to far or to stop.

I hated the whole family for this soulless crime; however, I never told anyone what I witnessed because my cousins were to young to remember and I did not want to be the cause of another family feud. Once my grandmother’s husband died I decided to give her a second chance. I thought that maybe she could not stand up to him because she did not want to be next. I thought maybe she had nothing to do with it and instead I began to just hate the man laying in a casket; it seemed easier. My grandmother’s health decreased over the years forcing her to switch between all of her kids and I never minded having her around. She kept my mother entertained and allowed our family to feel useful, which in turn made us closer.

Life seemed to pass on by as the routines were created and our family seemed to get along until late one night when my mother and grandmother got into a terrible fight. They both probably said things they regretted but I do not think they realized how it effected me. Even as a 21 year old, I reverted back to when I was 10 and I hid. I was just beginning to let my walls down when I was reminded of the old days and it was then I realized that her husband was not the whole cause of that night but that she also had the abusive spirit within her. She was no better than him.

There was no second chance from this point; I was done. I have avoided every family get together intentionally and I even avoided conversations where she might become a topic. And now as she lays in her hospital bed with little hope to leave it I cannot help but wonder what to do next.

Is it really going to help if I go and make my peace with her? Should I remind her that I never forgot? Should I tell her how much she has hurt me? Should I tell her I forgive her? Should I tell her that while I will never be thankful for that night, I am appreciative that I received the heart to never let another child be hurt like that in my presence again? What if she died shortly after - would it be my fault? Could I live with myself and pronounce myself a Christian when I have so much hatred in my heart? Maybe its better that I do not have the opportunity to speak with her and that I bury the past in the ground with her when she dies?