Security Please

I like to have a somewhat tough exterior and not let people in because the few times I have let the guard down I was completely demolished and I have not recoupperated enough to try again.

Last night during my typical "please leave me alone" speech that I give (but barely ever mean)this one particular guy said "maybe that right person hasn't been there to tell you its ok"

I just kinda sat there not knowing what to say back. I feel like there have been many people that I have let my guard down to so I almost felt insulted for them by this comment. Then I realized that even those people tend to still hurt my feelings enough that I still remain guarded. I am tired of being everyone's punching bag. And it was then that I realized, there is no one that I have been truly authentic with.

Maybe we are not always suppose to talk about what is going on, but I feel like that can't be true because I feel miserable as a result and I don't think God intended for me to be constantly miserable.

Too many times I am worried about everyone else's feelings. I worry that if I tell people what is really going on they will be disappointed, and I hate hearing that word. I worry that people will say "drama" and change the topic, and that just makes me feel ignorant and worthless. I worry that if I tell people it will cause more controversy and more hurt feelings so I think that I can take it on myself and just keep it all bottled up. I worry that people think they can fix me and it is not always that easy it seems. I worry that the judgemental looks will begin; I mean I am a Christian and they are generally the most critical group. I worry that it could alter a dominoe effect that I could not imagine yet and I would not want that either.

I sit in my room most nights just wishing that I could let people in. Some nights I will call people in an almost "911" call, but they generally do not pick up probably because it will be "drama" or they have better things to do then to talk to me. And those are the people I let in. Why? All I really want is to have someone to feel completely safe with being myself around because in turn that will give me confidence and security that I need to get by.

The one person I have probably come the closest to being truly authentic with disappears more than the great Hudini most of the time. They seem interested but when I call in desperation for my friend they disappear for a few weeks hoping the next time we are in contact maybe I will just forget or I will just be excited enough to be acknowledged that I will forget how bad my feelings were hurt the time before. I wish I could forget. Instead I put it all on myself and I am so tired of it. I don't want to be people's punching bags any more. I want to feel truly safe and not just call body guards to temporarily make the situation ok because I have found out that they are rarely consistent enough to really feel safe.

I know, and everyone knows who is reading this, that unfortunately these same people will continue to run over me, and I will let them, and this blog will seem like a waste of time and a waste of space that someone could have used to actually give them accountability to change. Maybe this is my Christmas Wish though.

For Christmas I want the right person to tell me it is ok and show that they mean it too and for life as I know it to change.