I wish I knew what path I was on. I have been wondering for a long time in hopes that my dreams would just come true along the way and that I would learn to be happy with my circumstances; yet, this has not happened how I thought it would.
In a podcast named "Finding Calcutta" Richard Roar states "It seems that we Christians have been worshiping Jesus' journey instead of doing Jesus' journey". Ouch. I don't think that most days I find myself doing either one and that is at the core of my discouragement. I long for new eyes and new ears and the strength to do something positive with them.
My life seems like such a waste and nightly I lay down and think about how someone else, almost anyone else, would have done so much more with the day than I did. I hate that. I want to be able to be proud of the days I walk this world and feel like I succeeded and did something worth while. I want to be able to reach people and touch them but if I do not discourage and put myself down enough those around me do a fine job.
I am tired of people telling me who I am. Please do not tell me my heart is too big and I need to stop caring. Why? I just want to live life with no regrets knowing that I was nice to someone who may not have deserved it, but this time something changed for the better because I gave them a chance. I was created with a big heart for a reason and I hate that people try to take that away from me. Please do not tell me to chase a guy and give him what he wants so it will work this time. Why do I have to? I am tired of chasing and it is not me. I tried it and just looked psychotic chasing for someone who did not want to be chased. And why is it so bad that I am inexperienced with relationships? It is not a priority to me and I wish people would just let that be and not judge me for it. People are taking pieces of me and making me be who I am not. I want to be Marci with no strings attached to anyone who can take credit for it. I want to be proud of who I have become because of me and how I was created.
I am looking to get back on the path of serenity. I want new eyes so I can get back on the path I need to be on without judgment. I have been spending a lot of time in bars lately because they have been looking out for me and treating me better than Christians have been. They let me be authentic and say how unhappy I am because they are unhappy too and they are grasping for air. So what if I finally take the stand to get back on the path? Think I can pull them out too? I do. That is where I want to begin.
The path of serenity is never ending and I am not going to be unrealistic about it but I know that the end of the path ends exactly where I need to be and I am going to look forward to that. I am going to look past the current discouragement and discontentment and learn to do Jesus' Journey and how I see it, no longer about how I am expected to see it.
I just hope that I really am strong enough to live this barbaric lifestyle, knowing that I will be persecuted and treated badly, and lean upon the one who will lead me to my Calcutta and my serenity.
2 comments:
Hello,
I just came across your blog and started reading. I felt like I had to comment.
Do you mean Calcutta like Mother Teresa? If so, I would like to tell you that she was over shooting the mark when it came to living a Chirst-like life. If you absolutely follow the docterines of Christ, you will live a life of peace, happiness and joy. Many people have distorted what Christ taught and what His example was. This was one of the problems that Christ addressed when talking to the church leaders of his time.
There is much service involved when living a Christ-like life but it is service that is lead through the spirit. We are all familiar with deadly vices (major sins) but most of us are unaware that Satan has a very strong hold on followers of Christ. He (Satan) knows he can't get most followers of Christ to commit the deadly sins but he can get them to over shoot the mark. He gets them to believe that they need to run faster than they are able and sacrifice everything they have. This is a lie. This is not Christ-like. True sacrifice is giving up something good for something better, the "better" part may not always come in this world/life but the next.
Don't try to do more than is necessary you will be missing the mark. This type of living (Mother Teresa) does not bring happiness. You will always feel that you are falling short. You don't need to feel this way! Christ wants you to feel peace and joy, not to feel like you can't ever do enough, be enough, serve enough, or sacrife enough... what a miserable way to live.
I know that there is true happiness in living the correct teachings of Jesus Christ (they must be correct though). I know this because I have found it. This true gosple of Jesus Christ is found in the Book of Mormon and thaught in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I promise that the fullness of Christ's gospel that is on the earth at this time is written in the Book of Mormon. We can learn the mysteries of God and have the power to become like him... but we have to learn how.
http://www.mormon.org/mormonorg/eng/
I wish you the best in life. I hope you find true happiness.
Love,
Drennan
Marci,
I have to add one more thing... you can live a life of no regret by living the TRUE gospel of Jesus Christ, not this barbaric way of life you are discribing. You do have a big heart for a reason, my hope is that you will find the correct way to use that big heart!
-Drennan
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