I Am My Mother

Growing up I decided I wanted to turn out nothing like my mother. I did not want to live a life where I could just walk away from my kids and sleep with any man who walked by. I went to the extreme of avoiding all relationships that could lead to it because I did not want to be her. I avoided the jobs that she had, and other things that might seem ridiculous to you but was a heart felt fear for me.

Now, at age 22, I find out that I am her.

I have the same medical issues as her, so I am finding out and will even go to certain extremes about it. I reach out for attention and say that I don't want the physical but I also know that I am going to these people for a reason. We change men about as often as we flip the calendar to the next month. My life is a very selfish one, like hers. We both still mooch off of our parents and many many more.

My biggest fear was to turn out like her. I failed.

How do I get out of this? Do I have to change everything about me?

Can I get out of this? As my journey marked out to walk in her footsteps forever?

Identity Crisis

I do not know who I am anymore.

For years I have been going through an identity crisis wondering who I am, where I came from, and who I am going to be. Sometimes I felt more alive and felt like I knew exactly who I was but I let people talk me out of it and destroy my ideas because it was "unrealistic". Growing up I knew where I came from to only find out about the lies and uncertanties once I turned 18. I also use to have a career plan, but college does not seem like the place for me and I have been told that I am not capable of doing the job I really want.

Why do people feel the need to discourage others so much? Lately I have been talking to my friends about what they wanted to be as a kid. One told me that she wanted to be a nurse but was told she would not like the blood, long hours at work, or all the classes she would have to take so now she is taking some art classes and wondering what she should do. Why did that person steal her joy and her path? I have another friend who wanted to be in the NBA but is told that he is not tall enough and thinks that he does not have the right skills. Really? If that is really what you wanted could you not practice those skills and at least give it your all to AT LEAST try out and find out why your not eligible instead of letting those around you tell you your not good enough?

I wanted to work with kids. I want to work with kids. But everyone tells me I need to work on myself first. I understand that, but maybe my rawness is a good thing because I will grow strength and I have not been told how to respond but I could respond with my heart and experiences to help kids in a way that people with an education have overlooked? I do not want to do exactly what I learned out of a book because it is "right", I want to do what is right and what will benefit the kid. I have also been told it does not pay enough and I need a job that pays. Why? Do I not trust that the money will come and God will take care of my needs if I am doing what I was created to do?

Mother Theresa once said "If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one". That's what I want to do. I would love to have a profession in helping kids, despite all the criticisms; however, if I could start with one to prove everyone wrong about me I would. I am tired of pieces of me being stolen and taken away from me because people around me are not encouraging. I wish I could see past their constant discouragement and just know that it is what I was created to do and what makes me happy. I wish people would stop stealing my joy and just let me be me so I can learn who I am all over again.

Path to Calcutta

I wish I knew what path I was on. I have been wondering for a long time in hopes that my dreams would just come true along the way and that I would learn to be happy with my circumstances; yet, this has not happened how I thought it would.

In a podcast named "Finding Calcutta" Richard Roar states "It seems that we Christians have been worshiping Jesus' journey instead of doing Jesus' journey". Ouch. I don't think that most days I find myself doing either one and that is at the core of my discouragement. I long for new eyes and new ears and the strength to do something positive with them.

My life seems like such a waste and nightly I lay down and think about how someone else, almost anyone else, would have done so much more with the day than I did. I hate that. I want to be able to be proud of the days I walk this world and feel like I succeeded and did something worth while. I want to be able to reach people and touch them but if I do not discourage and put myself down enough those around me do a fine job.

I am tired of people telling me who I am. Please do not tell me my heart is too big and I need to stop caring. Why? I just want to live life with no regrets knowing that I was nice to someone who may not have deserved it, but this time something changed for the better because I gave them a chance. I was created with a big heart for a reason and I hate that people try to take that away from me. Please do not tell me to chase a guy and give him what he wants so it will work this time. Why do I have to? I am tired of chasing and it is not me. I tried it and just looked psychotic chasing for someone who did not want to be chased. And why is it so bad that I am inexperienced with relationships? It is not a priority to me and I wish people would just let that be and not judge me for it. People are taking pieces of me and making me be who I am not. I want to be Marci with no strings attached to anyone who can take credit for it. I want to be proud of who I have become because of me and how I was created.

I am looking to get back on the path of serenity. I want new eyes so I can get back on the path I need to be on without judgment. I have been spending a lot of time in bars lately because they have been looking out for me and treating me better than Christians have been. They let me be authentic and say how unhappy I am because they are unhappy too and they are grasping for air. So what if I finally take the stand to get back on the path? Think I can pull them out too? I do. That is where I want to begin.

The path of serenity is never ending and I am not going to be unrealistic about it but I know that the end of the path ends exactly where I need to be and I am going to look forward to that. I am going to look past the current discouragement and discontentment and learn to do Jesus' Journey and how I see it, no longer about how I am expected to see it.

I just hope that I really am strong enough to live this barbaric lifestyle, knowing that I will be persecuted and treated badly, and lean upon the one who will lead me to my Calcutta and my serenity.