Walking into a Panic Attack

My friend and I always described the first day of school as walking into a panic attack. While the first day is always suppose to be somewhat exciting and boring all at once, we just felt as if we were walking into something that we could not predict. We had no idea who our lockers were going to be by, who would be in our classes, who we would have lunch with, and etc, and that can be somewhat terrifying on the first day when everyone is just trying to find their place to fit in. Once I graduated from high school though I figured that phrase would become outdated but there would be no other way to describe tonight though than I walked into a panic attack.

I went out to a bar in Fort Wayne and I was so excited to go because I was going with some of my close friends that I do not always get to hang out with. Our nights always consist of lots of laughs and new ways to make fun of each other (Carla: flannel is hot) but tonight I was just in another world. I knew where I was and I was aware of my surroundings but I was in a state of panic the entire time. As people walked around drunk and touching each other I kept my eyes open looking for my family and terrified of what I would find if I looked too hard.

My biological family gives me a lot of grief that I do not always lead onto because I feel like it is only my own problem since I opened the original door for them. I put all the weight on my shoulders and live this double life that many do not realize I live in and I am generally ok with that. Many on the outside do not understand some of my weird ways and how I ditch plans a lot or just avoid certain situations, but I promise that generally there is a rhyme or reason. And now because things did not turn out how I thought they would I just close new people off all together.

I realize that closing people out of what is really going on is not the right thing to do, but most days it seems like the only thing I can do. People run away from "drama" and messy situations because they do not want to get involved, and that I understand. But is there a point when it is not drama but it is real life? I do not think that life issues should always be labeled "drama" and I am generally offended by it. Did I invite my family into my life? Yes. Did I invite my family to try to completely change my life and alter it in ways I never could have imagined? No. So please do not say it is all drama because for me most days I fight to breath fresh air from this situation.

My biological family tells me how pathetic I am and if I would just come home than maybe, just maybe, I would become a better person. They also mention ways that they can make me join their lifestyle without my permission. Now I know that I am an adult and that they really could not do this but when you are called by your birth name and talked to like a child is talked to, it is hard not to revert back into my younger years when they did have control and a say over my life. It completely scares me and makes me want to hide in my room, under the covers, and hope that it all goes away most days if I am going to just be completely honest.

Tonight, going out in Fort Wayne, where I know they go out to, was a huge stretch for me and one that I did not enjoy. Maybe it was good that I got out, but for now I think I am going to go back to hiding under my covers because that is not a world I want to be apart of and fearing for MY life that I have created (whether I am proud of it or not) is not a battle I am ready to fight for yet or a panic attack I want to address any time soon.