The Rollarcoaster of 2010

This year I have had a hard time writing back on the past year because it has definitely been a year full of challenges. But oh well, lets see what I can remember.

January – I got back with Ren (only 2 years later) and things were perfect. Spending every night kissing and holding each other was a dream come true; but of course ended the month letting him see my drunken side, which did not go so well.

February – Ren left me and so I drowned myself in my 21 credit hours of school and just spent the month missing him and trying to get him to come back.

March – Well the 6th was a night of magic for Ren and I and we began our track to regain the love we knew was there. I then turned around and spent the week in Florida with my parents and ending the trip in Durham with Uncle Wayne.

April – April was just a crazy month as I spent the semester trying to finish the semester strong while also maintaining and building a relationship. Also, FaithLynn had her surgery and Mariah spent the week with us so we got to experience a crash course in parenting while driving over 1000 miles that week between Auburn, Indy, to Wabash.

May – Things of course got rough again as I turned into my depressed self and pushed Ren away. I let my emotions get to me and pushed Ren to be around a girl who made me think that he cheated with her. I kicked him out and did what I do best, tried to run away.

June – The morning of the 3rd I wrote Ren a letter and felt confident that we needed another 2 year break. I did not want to be done, but I just did not feel like we were ready (or maybe just I wasn’t ready to let someone fully in). Later that afternoon my life was changed when I took 2 pregnancy tests that turned out positive. I told Ren and although I know he secretly wanted to be happy, it just felt like bad timing and he of course questioned if I was telling the truth so I took the 3rd positive pregnancy test the next morning. We were excited but those around us were not and my mother cried. The 25th Ren took a huge step and asked my dad if he could marry me. Even though my dad warned him of my craziness it did not turn Ren away and I spent the next few days guessing how I thought he would propose. I told him I thought it would be under the fireworks (because that is what I always wanted) and to my surprise he got all defensive. Then the 29th I lost a piece of my heart. As Ren and I went to our first baby’s doctor appointment we were ecstatic but clueless about how the process worked. As we went into the ultrasound room I could tell that our midwife was having problems finding their heartbeat. I left devastated knowing that this was not going to turn out good but Ren of course was strong for our family. We went back the next day to a very cold ultrasound tech who walked out of the room with a somber “I’m sorry” which was followed by a doctor who told us that they could not find their heartbeat and we had lost our first child.

July – The 1st was an awful day as I was forced to face the reality of losing our first child. I never would have made it without Ren as he was there for me every minute and did not let me sit in my misery but let me cry when I needed to. Previously I was worried that he was a controlling guy, but this day changed my perspective as I knew he was not controlling me but looking out for me. The 4th we went to the Bixler Lake Fireworks and as we were sitting there the thought of how I wanted to be proposed to crossed my mind; however, I knew he did not have a chance to get a ring so as I almost made a sarcastic comment such as “now would be a perfect time to propose” he pulled me in and started talking sweet to me. He was very casual and told me how much he loved me and asked if I wanted to spend forever with him (which was not an uncommon conversation for us) and he asked if I would marry him, but I was completely clueless that he was actually proposing till he slid a ring on my finger when I said yes. It was perfect. Very romantic, very low key, and the perfect man. We spent the rest of the month planning out wedding. We wanted to get married in October when we were pregnant and we decided to keep the date regardless of losing our child.

August – I hadn’t started my period and I was starting to freak out about it a little bit so I grabbed a pregnancy test while Ren was at work, without him knowing. August 10th we found out that we were expecting again. We were both in shock and did not tell anyone. We found ourselves back at the doctor’s office a few weeks later and I was Captain Negativity. I cautioned Ren before we walked in and asked him if he was ready to lose another child; however, we were in complete shock as we walked in expecting to walk out losing another child but really walked out with two kids. We even got to hear our kids’ heartbeats!

September – We took our first road trip (or pre-honeymoon) and went to Florida to spend the week with Ren’s grandma. On our way back I had spotting and was scared that we lost them, but went back to the doctor’s office and they were still doing good.

October – The 16th we got married! While I protested a big wedding and avoided eye contact with the audience at all costs, I really did enjoy myself. I never felt so good about myself and I even got to wear my first dress! We used our dollar dance money to get a hotel and woke up to a nightmare. I thought I felt something weird so I walked to the bathroom and when I turned on the light I saw blood all over. This is not how I expected to wake up my first day married but I started crying and yelled for Ren and he handled the situation like a pro and was on the phone with our doctor within a few minutes. We spent the afternoon at the hospital but the kids yet again made it through another trial and I was diagnosed with a hematoma. On the 20th we found out we were definitely having a (showoff) boy, Rallen. They could not guarantee that the other baby was a girl but they were sure, and a few weeks later we did find out that we were going to have a little princess, Gabriella.

November – The honeymoon did not last long as my relationship problems quickly emerged and exploded. Thanksgiving Eve the fighting got so intense that the night ended with holes in the walls, police stations, car chases, and moving out. Our problems were quickly exaggerated and I was quickly wondering if I was going to end up being a single mom of twins.
December – I moved back in with my parents and had many complications with my health. Still don’t know what is going to happen with Ren, but I’m devastated. That I do know. On a good note, I finally graduated from college.

I don’t know what 2011 will bring. All I know is that emotionally I am a mess and have a lot to figure out before my kids get here. I just want to be a good mom, I hope next year I can say that I love my kids and put them first and that I am a family. I want Ren to come back to us.

Clarity or Hormones?

These seem to run together and blur between the lines of reality. I desire clarity and while I think I find it I wonder if it is just my hormones going out of control. Vise Versa, I feel like I am losing my mind and going crazy and it must just be the hormones, or am I finally seeing clearly?

Will I ever really know what reality is for me? Will I ever really find truth in a broken world full of hurt and troubles that are never going to leave my life?

I desire life, love, and clarity. The rest can go to hell.

Take 2

Two days ago I found out that I am pregnant with twins. This is simply a miracle in my eyes because I did not think that I would have this chance again, let alone so soon.

I wish others saw it as a miracle like I do.

The past few weeks has been chaotic as I have been on a rollarcoaster of emotions but now that I saw a heartbeat I have hope. I know that things are going to be ok now and I am now out to care for my babies from this day forward no matter what it takes. However, I hate this feeling of being possessed, I do not even feel like myself. Words that come out of my mouth shock me and thoughts that I have make me wonder what I have become.

I wish I could find my purpose again.

Maybe thats what is missing. I grew up knowing what my purpose was and feeling full of purpose as I was living a life that I was proud of. Now I am a walking disgrace to many who want to disown me as a daughter, as a friend, and as a partner. I am losing everything around me, so it feels. I need to own motherhood but that cannot consume me. I need to go back to finding where I belong and plugging myself into the Kingdom. That is when I am happy.

The Road to Recovery

Yesterday was another hard day in my book of life. As I got out of bed, from my sleepless night, I could not stop crying. I did not want to walk out the door but as Ren said it was time I knew it was inevitable and I wasn't going to be waking up from the nightmare.

We walked up to surgery and thankfully I got a nice nurse and I lasted through all of the questions until the very end. As I laid there in my backless gown crying Ren just kept holding my hand, but I knew he was having a hard time too so I let him lose himself in my laptop and I stared out the window.

I wondered how people could be outside enjoying such a nice day when I was inside suffering. I felt like it wasn't only my baby who was losing life that day but another part of my heart went with my nameless baby. As I kept wondering what my friends were doing to enjoy the sunshine I finally became a little unselfish and wondered what I would be doing outside while unknowingly people were inside suffering. It was eye-opening, but than the mood changed asm ore doctors came in to talk to me and I remembered why I was there.

The nurse took me down the hall before Ren could kiss me and that is when the tears started to flow. Thankfully the doctor quickly knocked me out but they later told Ren that I passed out crying. I do not remember this, but I do remember waking up in Recovery scared because I did not know who the lady was standing over me.

In a quick panic I said "Where's my baby?" and as the tears grew in her eyes they started flowing from mine as I remembered. She told me that the baby was pretty much just tissue and I would never be able to hold that or see that and I just remember crying harder and harder imagining them just putting my baby that I wanted to love deeply in a bag and throwing my baby in the garbage.

I began to have a panic/anxiety attack really bad and two nurses were by my side as my breathing was completely flat lining for long periods of time. I kept asking for some medicine or Ren and they said they could not give me either but as I kept flat lining they decided to take me out of Recovery early and let me go to Ren. He just held my hand as I shook and cried and gradully I calmed down. I was no longer alone staring at some stranger, but the love of my life and the father of my baby was there feeling the same pain.

Once we left the hospital I was actually doing really good and did not mind going out. We did some walking around but it quickly wore me out and we fell right asleep to a movie. Unfortunately I woke up at 2:30 in the morning in complete agony. I could not move any of my body parts except for my fingers and toes and I started crying again as I was reminded why my body hurt so bad. I miss being pregnant, I miss my baby.

When I would wake up hurting last week I would just rub my stomach, or Ren would, and I would bear with the uncomfortableness but now I just cry. It is not fair that I feel symptoms and have to be constantly reminded of what was taken from me. I have pretty much been up ever since trying to get more pain medicine and adjusted by the chiropractor because my body feels like a pressure cooker that could pop any second. It is just the beginning of the complications I would probably experience but I'm scared that the waking up and having crying spells is not going to end any time soon. Even looking at babies or little kids right now makes me emotional, I wanted that, I wanted a family, I wanted to love that baby like no one else has love a child before.

I am scared of having to go through this process another ten times. I'm scared of even going through it another time but I don't want to give up on our dream of having a family either.

Maybe it is time to give up and go to counseling after all... Maybe my stubbornness is softening?

Where's My Happy Ending?

Words cannot begin to describe this deep sense of agony I feel. Today I lost my child, and I don't even have a name for my baby. I don't even know if my baby is a boy or girl, or if my baby knows how much Ren and I wanted him or her. Does the baby know that we were planning our lives around loving this baby? Does the baby know how much I hate ccalling it "it" because our baby is a human being. I saw the baby and no one can take that from me.

However, tomorrow this baby will be taken from me. What if I did not let them take the baby from me? I hurt so bad that if the baby took my life I feel like it would be worth it to give this baby a chance to live.

What did I do wrong? I know the doctors and my friends say there is nothing I could have done but that does not seem right. Did I stay out to late? Was I around too much smoke? Did I not eat the right things? Was I too depressed? Did I drink too much before I knew I was pregnant? Was it the strep throat medication? Was I just too fat like my mom said? Was it because I am too selfish to care for any one else like my dad said? Was it because I did it out of wedlock like the church said? Was it because I prayed to God that if there was anything wrong with this child that he would just take the baby from me? I did not mean it, I thought God was suppose to know my heart and would know that I could handle it and would love that child regardless. I feel like my body is defective.

I wrote a letter a few weeks ago to the baby describing the world they were about to enter; ironically, I wrote it about the same time the baby stopped growing. I also got a crib and a car seat but as I stare at the mattress leaning against the dresser it just all seems so stupid.

Why do I have to still have symptoms? It seems to taunt me and seem like it is just there to remind me about how I lost the child rather than how it was suppose to be a blessing.

Will people ever stop coming up to me and ask me if I am just drinking coke or how the pregnancy is or if we want kids? This is why I don't like people right now, I want to wallow in my miseries, I want to be left alone, except for by Ren. I never want him to leave my side.

I am so selfish as I cry all the time about the pain but Ren is right there hurting too and worrying about me as well. He is hurting more than me and I can barely get him to talk about it as he is trying to remain strong for me. I love him for that but I hate myself. I wish I could be strong enough for all three of us. I wish something in my life would go easy for me so our relationship could be better and I could be everything Ren needed and wanted.

I keep hearing it happens for a reason, it will get better, that lots of women have had miscarriages; yet, it does nothing for me. I know all of these things but I do not want to hear them. I want to be miserable and wish that I could hold my baby, give our baby a name, and love this baby like no one else possibly could. I want this baby to know how deeply it was loved and always wanted for the eight weeks he or she was inside of me.