Clarity or Hormones?

These seem to run together and blur between the lines of reality. I desire clarity and while I think I find it I wonder if it is just my hormones going out of control. Vise Versa, I feel like I am losing my mind and going crazy and it must just be the hormones, or am I finally seeing clearly?

Will I ever really know what reality is for me? Will I ever really find truth in a broken world full of hurt and troubles that are never going to leave my life?

I desire life, love, and clarity. The rest can go to hell.

Take 2

Two days ago I found out that I am pregnant with twins. This is simply a miracle in my eyes because I did not think that I would have this chance again, let alone so soon.

I wish others saw it as a miracle like I do.

The past few weeks has been chaotic as I have been on a rollarcoaster of emotions but now that I saw a heartbeat I have hope. I know that things are going to be ok now and I am now out to care for my babies from this day forward no matter what it takes. However, I hate this feeling of being possessed, I do not even feel like myself. Words that come out of my mouth shock me and thoughts that I have make me wonder what I have become.

I wish I could find my purpose again.

Maybe thats what is missing. I grew up knowing what my purpose was and feeling full of purpose as I was living a life that I was proud of. Now I am a walking disgrace to many who want to disown me as a daughter, as a friend, and as a partner. I am losing everything around me, so it feels. I need to own motherhood but that cannot consume me. I need to go back to finding where I belong and plugging myself into the Kingdom. That is when I am happy.