I'm Scared

I just got done watching The Proposal and while it was an awful movie that I never want to watch again Sandra Bullock said 2 words that I have not been bold enough to say. I'm scared.

I'm scared of a lot of things and insecurity could possibly be my middle name but the thing that scares me the most is trusting someone. I have tried to trust lots of people, from people at church, to strangers I meet, to family, to friends, to a man I thought I was going to marry; and most of them failed me. My expectations were to high and I hoped that by me trusting them I would feel better myself and that never happened.

Expectations is an awful word. Chad has been talking about expectations in youth group to the point where I realized a lot about myself that I did not like. Everyone has expectations for me and I cannot live up to any of them so my answer has been to only half do everything. There is nothing that I really really love to do with all my heart or that I invest in because those that I have tried to trust have just tore me down since I did not do what they expected.

These 2 realizations this week have not been easy for me and has challenged me to think about many life decisions. I am a lot like the Sandra in the movie where I take the easy path anymore because I am too scared for anything else. I am too scared to be hurt and to feel any more heartache for awhile because I honestly just don't think it can handle it. I have thrown expectations out the window and cut out a lot of people whose expectations I will never fulfill. But now I need to fill that hole with something new because I have never done this before.

I want to be confident in myself and know that I have gotten to the place I am because of me; however, I do not want to be so scared that I pass on amazing opportunities and people who can change my life for the better. I want to be able to trust without expectations but hope that this time will be different and that I will no longer need to earn a spot in a person's life and risk losing it for something/someone I can never truly, whole-heartedly be.

Home is where the Heart is?

I have been wanting to write for awhile but finding the right words are not always easy for me. Since coming back from my summer adventures life has hit hard and I wish I could run away yet again.

I now have my own place in Auburn, which has been nice but the constant struggles and reminders that I am truly on my own has been quite the burdon. From car insurance battles to school battles I just want to be done fighting because I just cannot win and I don't know how much more I can take right now.

I am now an aunt, not that I have got to meet Marissa but I do keep up with pictures. As much as I want to be upset with the situation I cannot be because I have pushed my family far enough away that I cannot blame them. I have had every chance to go and deal with this situation but actually confronting it scares me too much to actually consider going through with it. Hopefully I will get to meet Marissa someday and she will grow up knowing that I want to be there for her in ways my family was never there for me.

When I came back from Open Door I was ready to help and volunteer again; but of course, that has changed as well. I signed myself up for everything and now I have dropped out of everything. It is so much easier to help people who know nothing about your life. What is it that makes people think that if you volunteer together that you have a right to comment on every aspect of other people's lives? Maybe that was a drastic comment. I have been nothing but criticized for all the bad decisions I have made and honestly, I feel bad enough that I do not need reminded by people who hear rumors and never ask for the true story but can give their opinions anyways. My heart ached as Atlanta flooded just a few weeks ago. I wanted to be there and I wanted to help in any way I could but I knew it was not possible and being stuck states away made me feel entirely hopeless. I wish I can find a place around Auburn again that makes my heart beat and gives me that sort of passion again.

Living on my own has been nothing but a constant reminder that I am alone. Which a year ago I would have been happy with because I never saw myself getting married or starting a family; however, now that I have had my mindset changed and thought that I was going to be married by now I cannot help but feel like every task is just awful. I would love to have help paying the bills, carrying laundry all over the place to be able to wash it, taking the trash out, and even just the simple task of watching TV together. I hope that I can get a grasp of my independence back and not stay in this mindset, but it has been a challenging one to face.

I have always rolled my eyes at the "Home is where the heart is" saying but I think I have learned the importance of it. I hope I find my heart soon and restore it back to the joy it once felt.