What was I thinking?

I have wrote, and rewrote this note many times because I really am having a hard time explaining why I left Indiana to see what else is out there for me. Since every paragraph I kept trying to write would have hurt someone’s feelings or caused other’s to assume and make this trip out to be something it is not I have decided to keep this brief.

The past month I have been reevaluating my life and running away from issues to try and rediscover who I am and where God wants me. Three months ago I would have told you that I was going to be a wife and mother and could not wait to marry the man of my dreams; since then, he left. I also would have told you how much I loved working at Kruse and how it really was the perfect timing for me to get hired in; and then they let me go. A few days after that I decided to go on a road trip and help out Monica for a week or so and had a great time. I got to take a deep breath and while my phone still rang with issues that were waiting for me when I got back, they did not seem as bad at the moment. Then I came home for a week and surrounded myself with art and throwing everything in my life away. Literally, I threw away 10 15 gallon bags of stuff and if you have seen my room I don’t even know where it all fit but I did know that I wanted nothing to do with possessions anymore.

Last week I was at CIY and I could no longer hide and suppress my emotions that I had been feeling. The week began and it was overwhelming for me to let myself feel the pain that I had been feeling for months but once I let that happen I could not stop and as I broke through the chains of hatred and anger I could see clearly that I needed to get my life back on track. At the end of the week I was asked what I had gained from CIY and I said “I think I got my smile back” and was instantly given affirmation that I was right and that people were happy that I was finally back to being Marci.

I came home excited because I thought I knew what my next step was and how I could further God’s Kingdom but within a matter of a few hours I was back to broken and wishing that I was anywhere but where I was. Even the next day as I sat with Monica she watched as my mood changed in front of her eyes and I was just in desperate need to be somewhere else, which surprised even me because Monica had been my haven throughout these trials. Sunday night and all day Monday I just kept struggling so I talked out my situation with Matt and I knew that I needed to leave Auburn as soon as possible.

Matt has watched me get overly excited about new ideas I have and has constantly reminded me to “not put all my eggs in one basket”. As I told him about how I could go stay in Georgia for awhile he said something I never thought he would say: “Put all your eggs in one basket and go”. That was all I needed. I knew he meant business and I knew that was the last push that I needed. We came up with a plan and I was to leave the next afternoon.

I woke up the next day terrified that my plan was going to fail and I would just be crushed but I was so wrong. The plan I created did fail but God’s plan went better than expected and I was on the road in a few hours. So now my journey begins. I don’t know what I will be doing or how it is going to turn out but I can say that I am so excited!