Who do you want standing next to you?

If you know me at all, you know that I am obsessed with One Tree Hill. I get so involved with this show that I joke around that I am having my nightly dinner date on Monday nights at 9 because I feel like I know the characters that well that I just feel like we are going to dinner and catching up on the week's events. Feel free to laugh at me.

Anyways, I just saw an episode for the first time a few weeks ago and I can't get it out of my mind. Payton asked Lucas "Imagine a future moment in your life when all of your dreams come true and its the greatest moment in your life and you get to experience it with one person in your life. Who do you want standing next to you?"

Lucas first answered with some cute celebrity, but Payton made him dig deeper until he had a realistic name of someone who really could stand next to him.

I knew exactly who I wanted standing next to me because I would want this person to stand next to me when my dreams come true and when my world crumbles apart. I would not understand life or be able to get out of bed a lot of days without knowing this person had my back and would be there for me if I desperately just needed a friend to celebrate in the good times with or cry during the bad. Life without this person would be incredibly empty for me. However, I do have a list of others that I would call up for other events because they might get more excited about it or might understand the depth of the achievement or the depth of the heartache.

So now I ask... When you become All-American, who do you want standing next to you? When you get your book published, who do you want standing next to you? When you find out that you are terminally ill, who do you want standing next to you? When you own up to the addiction thats been controlling your life, who do you want standing next to you? When your cd gets signed, who do you want standing next to you? When you save the world by building fresh water wells for countries, who do you want standing next to you? When your friend steals the boy or girl you like, who do you want standing next to you? When you get married, who do you want standing next to you? When tragedy hits and you lose a parent or close friend, who do you want next to you? When you have/adopt your first child, who do you want standing next to you? When you get your dream job, who do you want standing next to you? Get the picture yet?

I obviously realize that some of these are silly and some are more serious but this has been on my mind a lot and this is my note so please bare with me :)

Is it bad to have a different person for every questioned answered? Or was the same person mentioned for every single question? Does that mean that there is no one that knows all sides of you but lots that know a little? Is that bad? I don't know... I struggle with this so I have no answers, if there are answers. However, I would venture to say that it is a bad thing if there is not one person that you COULD go to for all of these events. I also feel like if you are not fighting to be around that person that you answered to every one of those questions then it is time to reevaluate and search a little deeper and maybe reprioritize. I feel like if this person isn't continually pushing you to reach for your dreams it is time to move from them. I feel like if you haven't told this person that you love them and if you haven't shown them that they mean that much to you that you want them there for all of your defining moments, that it is time to grow up and show some appreciation back.

Maybe I am crazy, I probably am, but again it is just something I've been thinking about a lot. Maybe with all that said it is time for me to reevaluate or maybe it is time to grow up. Or maybe it is time for me to go to bed and stop writing notes. I'm gonna regret this one in the morning, I'm sure.

Expectations are Overrated

Is it ok to not have any expectations of people? Is that the way life was meant to be lived?

I hate having expectations because I hate thinking any less of people when they don't live up to what I think they should, or could. They make me want to use the word "disappointed" as if I have some authority over them to use it, but I don't have any right.

I find myself getting depressed and really upset when people don't do what I think they are going to do. Like when people say they want to hang out tomorrow, I expect that they mean in the afternoon to early night, not 11 at night when everything to do is closed. And when I would drop everything I am doing to do something for someone else I expect the same treatment on occassion, not for video games and hanging out with people who have no interest in their well being to be picked over me. When I am comfortable enough to share my life story with you I expect you to respect that relationship enough to treasure it some, not extort it whenever you feel the need to get a good laugh. Then when people find themselves comfortable enough to call me out on things because they know me better than I know myself I expect that to be a thing to help the relationship move along smoother, not used to their advantage and my detriment to leave me merely as a punching bag just because they know they can. Or if I wait twenty some years to meet the people who left me I expect to barely be acknowledged and maybe receive a Christmas card or something, not for them to really want me around constantly and for them to come and try to change my whole life.

Most of the time I don't even feel like my expectations are high, I actually find them pretty low. Is it too much to ask for your close friends to chose to want to hang out with you one night every once in awhile? Isn't it realistic to think that your close friends would keep things secret when asked?

See expectations are overrated and just lead to personal disappointment. So why do I continue to have any hope that the next time might be different when I know I'm just going to end up hurt yet again?

Security Please

I like to have a somewhat tough exterior and not let people in because the few times I have let the guard down I was completely demolished and I have not recoupperated enough to try again.

Last night during my typical "please leave me alone" speech that I give (but barely ever mean)this one particular guy said "maybe that right person hasn't been there to tell you its ok"

I just kinda sat there not knowing what to say back. I feel like there have been many people that I have let my guard down to so I almost felt insulted for them by this comment. Then I realized that even those people tend to still hurt my feelings enough that I still remain guarded. I am tired of being everyone's punching bag. And it was then that I realized, there is no one that I have been truly authentic with.

Maybe we are not always suppose to talk about what is going on, but I feel like that can't be true because I feel miserable as a result and I don't think God intended for me to be constantly miserable.

Too many times I am worried about everyone else's feelings. I worry that if I tell people what is really going on they will be disappointed, and I hate hearing that word. I worry that people will say "drama" and change the topic, and that just makes me feel ignorant and worthless. I worry that if I tell people it will cause more controversy and more hurt feelings so I think that I can take it on myself and just keep it all bottled up. I worry that people think they can fix me and it is not always that easy it seems. I worry that the judgemental looks will begin; I mean I am a Christian and they are generally the most critical group. I worry that it could alter a dominoe effect that I could not imagine yet and I would not want that either.

I sit in my room most nights just wishing that I could let people in. Some nights I will call people in an almost "911" call, but they generally do not pick up probably because it will be "drama" or they have better things to do then to talk to me. And those are the people I let in. Why? All I really want is to have someone to feel completely safe with being myself around because in turn that will give me confidence and security that I need to get by.

The one person I have probably come the closest to being truly authentic with disappears more than the great Hudini most of the time. They seem interested but when I call in desperation for my friend they disappear for a few weeks hoping the next time we are in contact maybe I will just forget or I will just be excited enough to be acknowledged that I will forget how bad my feelings were hurt the time before. I wish I could forget. Instead I put it all on myself and I am so tired of it. I don't want to be people's punching bags any more. I want to feel truly safe and not just call body guards to temporarily make the situation ok because I have found out that they are rarely consistent enough to really feel safe.

I know, and everyone knows who is reading this, that unfortunately these same people will continue to run over me, and I will let them, and this blog will seem like a waste of time and a waste of space that someone could have used to actually give them accountability to change. Maybe this is my Christmas Wish though.

For Christmas I want the right person to tell me it is ok and show that they mean it too and for life as I know it to change.

Most Days...

I really don't like myself

I don't understand why people are my friends

I can't comprehend why youth, or anyone, would ever look up to me at all

I think that people who have died would have had a much more productive day and would have made a bigger difference in the world than I did

I lack common courtesy

My temper gets the best of me

I just cannot please anyone

I say things I don't really mean

I wonder when this pain I feel will melt away or will find some purpose

I read into my dreams maybe more than I should

I get involved in situations I really want nothing to do with

I hate disappointing people so I can't say no even if it is in my best interest

I let people hurt me and I don't stand up for myself because I would rather take it on myself

I feel like a constant punching bag for people

I think that drinking or using drugs will help me forget

I bottle up my emotions and avoid confrontation

I wish I was more artsy or had a talent to express myself

I am confusing and I long for normalcy but don't know where to begin

I have no idea who I am

I desire healthy relationships with people around me, but barely ever take the steps needed to achieve that

I push people away

I am scared of going new places

I wonder if my dreams will ever come true

I become offended of the word drama

It is just easier to stay in bed

Walking into a Panic Attack

My friend and I always described the first day of school as walking into a panic attack. While the first day is always suppose to be somewhat exciting and boring all at once, we just felt as if we were walking into something that we could not predict. We had no idea who our lockers were going to be by, who would be in our classes, who we would have lunch with, and etc, and that can be somewhat terrifying on the first day when everyone is just trying to find their place to fit in. Once I graduated from high school though I figured that phrase would become outdated but there would be no other way to describe tonight though than I walked into a panic attack.

I went out to a bar in Fort Wayne and I was so excited to go because I was going with some of my close friends that I do not always get to hang out with. Our nights always consist of lots of laughs and new ways to make fun of each other (Carla: flannel is hot) but tonight I was just in another world. I knew where I was and I was aware of my surroundings but I was in a state of panic the entire time. As people walked around drunk and touching each other I kept my eyes open looking for my family and terrified of what I would find if I looked too hard.

My biological family gives me a lot of grief that I do not always lead onto because I feel like it is only my own problem since I opened the original door for them. I put all the weight on my shoulders and live this double life that many do not realize I live in and I am generally ok with that. Many on the outside do not understand some of my weird ways and how I ditch plans a lot or just avoid certain situations, but I promise that generally there is a rhyme or reason. And now because things did not turn out how I thought they would I just close new people off all together.

I realize that closing people out of what is really going on is not the right thing to do, but most days it seems like the only thing I can do. People run away from "drama" and messy situations because they do not want to get involved, and that I understand. But is there a point when it is not drama but it is real life? I do not think that life issues should always be labeled "drama" and I am generally offended by it. Did I invite my family into my life? Yes. Did I invite my family to try to completely change my life and alter it in ways I never could have imagined? No. So please do not say it is all drama because for me most days I fight to breath fresh air from this situation.

My biological family tells me how pathetic I am and if I would just come home than maybe, just maybe, I would become a better person. They also mention ways that they can make me join their lifestyle without my permission. Now I know that I am an adult and that they really could not do this but when you are called by your birth name and talked to like a child is talked to, it is hard not to revert back into my younger years when they did have control and a say over my life. It completely scares me and makes me want to hide in my room, under the covers, and hope that it all goes away most days if I am going to just be completely honest.

Tonight, going out in Fort Wayne, where I know they go out to, was a huge stretch for me and one that I did not enjoy. Maybe it was good that I got out, but for now I think I am going to go back to hiding under my covers because that is not a world I want to be apart of and fearing for MY life that I have created (whether I am proud of it or not) is not a battle I am ready to fight for yet or a panic attack I want to address any time soon.