"This is how it has always been with me. Give me something good, I'll destroy it.
Love me, I'll destroy you. I have never felt deserving of anything in my life. I
have never felt as if I were worth the diseased space I occupy. This feeling has
inhabited everything I've ever done, seen or had anything to do with, and it has
infected every relationship I have ever had, with everyone I've ever known. I
don't understand it. I don't understand why it's here. I hate it as I hate
myself..."
Last night I was sitting outside Brewdailys and I drew a star next to these lines in the book "A Million Little Pieces" becase it is a statement that I fully understand, and for a brief second I knew the same hurt in James Frey's heart as it frequently resides in my own.
More often than not my apathetic side shines through because I feel so useless in a world that needs, and demands, so much. My passions and gifts seem unattainable and outrageous, and it is absolutely devestating as it effects my entire being.
I want to be able to pull over on the side of the road and lend my cell phone to a man who needs to cal lfor help, without having to think about being raped or murdered. I want to be able to state that I am concerned about a child's safety, without being accused of jumping to conclusions and being a product of the media. I want to be able to be 15 minutes late to work because I helped make someone elses day a little bit easier, without being written up by my boss. I want to be free to not go to college, without seeming like a deliquent going no where in life. I want to be able to be put in charge of something, without an adult taking over saying that I am inadequate to fill the position when I know better. I want to be able to speak up for myself, without seeming bitchy or arrogant.
These hopeless causes I continue to fight are getting me no where fast, and are ruining some of my closest relationships as others do not understand the passions and fears that effect my every action. I want to live a life free of expectations and full of purpose. I want to feel like I contribute to those around me, not infect them. Yet, if I know what I want, why is it so hard to do?
5 comments:
Hey Marci!
I wanted to let you know that I can totally relate to your blog Fighting to Fight. Everything you said hits so close to home that it is almost scary! Ever since I graduated, I've been working. Avoiding going to school because I'm interested in too many things and not committed enough to pick just one to study. I'm constantly being asked how life is going and what I'm up to. When I reply that I'm working and just trying to let God lead the way, people almost always ask,"Well why aren't you in school getting your gen. ed. classes out of the way" I get so sick of hearing this. I don't know what the heck I want to do! Everyone around me seems to make something that I see as so complicated, completely simplified. I'm not satisfied with where I'm at in life, but for the most part I'm content in knowing that God will show me what I am here for and where I'm needed.
Anyway, thanks for posting that blog. You made me realize (since i so often get wrapped up in myself) that I'm not the only one dealing with this!
I'll keep you in my prayers!
Thanks again,
Katie
I feel the same way! If only I could just do the things that I want without jumping through all the hoops first! I also think its possible to do great things without a college degree, but society doesn't think so. If you don't go to college you'll get nowhere. But I know many college grads who can't find jobs, so their no better off but with more debt! Not just that, either. I am one to always stop and help if I see someone who needs it. Its horrible to think that my doing so could result in an attack. People are becoming afraid to stand up for themselves and that gives more power to the evil in the world. I think about those things all the time.
Marci, I love you. You're great...and I love your heart. You have so much ambition and drive to help people, AND you're good at it. Don't let anyone or anything get in your way! You have soo so much to offer to people, and the world. Anyone with the chance to get to know you is lucky and a better person because so. You do what you feel you need to do for you, not for anyone else, or because you feel you're going to disappoint them. This is something I struggle with daily, not wanting to disappoint other people, but then I'm not being true to myself. I know for me, in this case, when I make decisions based on my need to please other people, I rarely am happy with the decision and still long for something more. So with wise council and from the people who know you best, listen to their advice, but then in the end, do what you feel you are being led to and what suites you, not the rest of the world. the rest of the world doesn't have to live with the outcome of those decisions, only you...
You're great! keep you're head up friend.
I feel similarly, but not to the obvious degree that you do. I think that is great disclosure. I think that you owe it to yourself to give yourself a break. It is nice that you consider others so much. Do not change, pass it on.
Wow Marci! That was very eloquently written and boldly stated. I think you sound determined and willed. Don't give up. Your actions are what makes you unique and yet common because everybody that has responded, including me, has felt how you feel. However, I am not sure I could have expressed it as arrticulate and accurate as you! You defintely have a flair for writing and expression!
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