Where's My Happy Ending?

Words cannot begin to describe this deep sense of agony I feel. Today I lost my child, and I don't even have a name for my baby. I don't even know if my baby is a boy or girl, or if my baby knows how much Ren and I wanted him or her. Does the baby know that we were planning our lives around loving this baby? Does the baby know how much I hate ccalling it "it" because our baby is a human being. I saw the baby and no one can take that from me.

However, tomorrow this baby will be taken from me. What if I did not let them take the baby from me? I hurt so bad that if the baby took my life I feel like it would be worth it to give this baby a chance to live.

What did I do wrong? I know the doctors and my friends say there is nothing I could have done but that does not seem right. Did I stay out to late? Was I around too much smoke? Did I not eat the right things? Was I too depressed? Did I drink too much before I knew I was pregnant? Was it the strep throat medication? Was I just too fat like my mom said? Was it because I am too selfish to care for any one else like my dad said? Was it because I did it out of wedlock like the church said? Was it because I prayed to God that if there was anything wrong with this child that he would just take the baby from me? I did not mean it, I thought God was suppose to know my heart and would know that I could handle it and would love that child regardless. I feel like my body is defective.

I wrote a letter a few weeks ago to the baby describing the world they were about to enter; ironically, I wrote it about the same time the baby stopped growing. I also got a crib and a car seat but as I stare at the mattress leaning against the dresser it just all seems so stupid.

Why do I have to still have symptoms? It seems to taunt me and seem like it is just there to remind me about how I lost the child rather than how it was suppose to be a blessing.

Will people ever stop coming up to me and ask me if I am just drinking coke or how the pregnancy is or if we want kids? This is why I don't like people right now, I want to wallow in my miseries, I want to be left alone, except for by Ren. I never want him to leave my side.

I am so selfish as I cry all the time about the pain but Ren is right there hurting too and worrying about me as well. He is hurting more than me and I can barely get him to talk about it as he is trying to remain strong for me. I love him for that but I hate myself. I wish I could be strong enough for all three of us. I wish something in my life would go easy for me so our relationship could be better and I could be everything Ren needed and wanted.

I keep hearing it happens for a reason, it will get better, that lots of women have had miscarriages; yet, it does nothing for me. I know all of these things but I do not want to hear them. I want to be miserable and wish that I could hold my baby, give our baby a name, and love this baby like no one else possibly could. I want this baby to know how deeply it was loved and always wanted for the eight weeks he or she was inside of me.

I Now Pronounce You Man and Wife

"To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickenss, or in health, to love and to cherish till death do us part"

I grew up never expecting to say these words. While my friends were playing house I just didn't care. It seemed so far away and definitely not worth pretending about.

Now I am 23 and have a new perspective.

Last year my world was rocked and all the sudden it was thrown in my face that I was going to be saying those words and while it freaked me out I was excited. Then he was gone and I did not know what to do without those words. I had got my hopes up and saw my future as a wife and mother and now I was back to single and alone.

Now I am at the same place as last year. I want to say those words. I mean those words. Ren is the one for me that I want to hold every night, if it is good times or bad times, if we have money or not, if we are sick or healthy, and I will love and cherish him for the rest of my life. I do not even have to think twice about it or be nervous. He has waited for me and has handled situations very well with me that I would never want to consider having to go through with someone else.

Unfortunately I am pushing him away to hard. I am not a good person to date, and I will likely fail at these vows even with the best intentions, but it is what I desire I think in the end God will honor that and help me through. I have so much love to give but fail to show it. I do not think before I act and I get lost in the moment and it just hurts him. He is ready to give up, and I do not blame him; however, I hope he knows how much I am trying, how that everytime I hurt him I beat myself up and lay awake thinking about how dumb I am. I do not know what he sees in me most days but I see the future with him. He is what I want and who I could not live without. I am just hoping that he sticks with me because I cannot handle being single and alone again. I am ready to be Mrs. Thacker and have children of my own. I am ready to be pronounced man and wife. I am ready to begin forever.

Here's to Hoping 2010 is Better!

2009 in Brutally Honest Review:

• January - After Brewdaily's closed I could not find a job until a friend offered to let me work at her business. I became a temporary Tax preparer and learned a lot about co-workers. I have never had the privilege of working late hours every day in a small house with 8 chain smoking women. They also cursed worse than a sailor and while they would stop everything to pray and have worship music playing in the background they would throw out a little "GD" every once in a while. Definitely a new experience.
• February - Tax season slowed down and I lost my job (darn!). Matt had his ACL surgery so I spent most of my time with him because I had so much free time that I didn't even know where to begin. I ruined a good relationship possibility or two but I just was not looking for that and messed up a couple of friendships because I couldn't realize it sooner. Plus along with boredom comes bad decision making so I did some recreational experimenting just to see what I had been "missing out on". My brother took a big step in his life and took off a mask for the first time; while I am very proud of him for it, it definitely made the rest of 2009 interesting.
• March - Jeremiah got me a job working at Kruse where I quickly went from a few hours at night to full time. I loved my job and had fun meeting all my new co-workers; especially Steve.
• April - Steve and I started dating and I thought I met the love of my life. He was the first guy I kissed, the first guy I brought home to my parents, and first relationship that I didn't intentionally mess up but genuinely wanted to have one, so it was a pretty big deal. My brother continued to work on taking off his mask but others did not accept it well and life got complicated fast. I lost a lot of friendships and was looked down upon for my brother's honesty. I spent the rest of spring defending him and dealing with the rollercoaster that people took me on as they did not realize the real toll it was taking on me.
• May - I keet falling in lvoe with Steve more and more every day and our wedding plans began. We got into our first situation too where I thought I was going to get at spend my first night in jail but thankfully he was a professional in those situations and spared us the hassle.
• June - Everything fell apart. Steve left without warning and completely vanished from my life. I lost Hali Tyler and the life that I was preparing for myself (I never imagined that I would get married; yet have a family, but than Steve happened. Than he left and I was forced to go back to my original thought of living a single life and that was far from easy). I lost my job at Kruse due to a poor economy. I was taken advantage of by a man I trusted. Justin came back and toyed with my emotions and let me think that he would be there for me like he use to me.
• July - I called off the wedding (which was suppose to take place July 6th) as I realized that Steve was not coming back. I left on a road trip with Monica and the girls to her family's reunion for a time away and enjoyed the break from reality. I also got to go to CIY once again and have a feeling of normalcy again; however, coming home from that was not easy. So I decided on a Monday night that I needed to leave and by Tuesday afternoon I was headed to Tennessee.
• August - I spent some time in Knoxville with Kristi as I didn't know what my next step would be but I had a trust that it was better for me to be there than in Auburn for the time being. From there I spent time at Jubilee with Amber and experienced life as a country girl, and I sure did learn fast that it would never be the life for me. From there I spent time in Chattanooga with Jen and Jay and their 3 amazing kids. Jen was exactly what I needed and she helped me more than I think she could ever really know. I than went and stayed at Open Door and found my purpose again. The purpose that was stolen from me was replaced and refreshed as I lived life in the shelter and remembered i was put here to help others, not to dwell in the woes of my own life circumstances. Justin left once again, never to be heard from again for months, and I was left wondering what happened this time. My parents much gave up on me. They did not understand what was going on and did not approve of my choices as I should have been looking for a job not traveling though states alone.
• September - I came home refreshed and with a purpose, for about a week; than the depression kicked in. I was told that I needed to find a new place to live as I had lost the little relationship I had with my parents. They were refoced on another person who needed their attention so I understood but I needed them too. I moved into my first apartment the last week of the month.
• October - My neice was born, but I of course chickened out of seeing her and dealing with all the situations that could have erupted from my visit. I spent most of this month wasting time and sitting alone as I had no idea how I was going to afford an apartment since Steve left with my bank account when he left my life.
• November - Most of my nights were spent drunken and out of my right mind as I was trying to cope with too much on my own. My grandmother got sick and while I was not on good terms with her I was forced into taking care of her and put into an angry rage for the next few weeks until she passed away. Than my grieving process began and it was much rougher than I expected; owever, I became closer to some of my cousins and felt a major sense of relief. I could now be around my family without my grandmother being there to make me upset.
• December - I enjoyed more family events than I ever have in my entire life; and for the most part I enjoyed them! I participated in Christmas festivities as I decorated my apartment, sent cards to the biological family, and even bought presents for the adopted family (all firsts for me).

This Decade in Brutally Honest Review:

• 2000 began with worrying about the Y2K and me transferring schools while dealing with typical teenage apathy. 9/11 happened and the world changed dramatically, maybe because I was just becoming conscience of the world around me, but I think a lot of people would agree that life changed. It was also the same time that I lost my grandfather and dealt with a deep depression. I went through unhealthy addictions and lost most ambition towards life until I transferred back to DeKalb in 2002. In 2003 I was baptized and became so unvolved with my church that I finally found a little break in my life. In 2004 I was proposed to for the first time and in 2005 I graduated. The same day I graduated I drove past my biological family and opened a new door. Little did I understand how much they would affect my life for the next year! I ended up transferring home to my parent's house and worked at Brewdaily's and ProFed. I loved my job as a bank teller, but not the drama of working with all women. In 2006 I was proposed to again, but that was pretty much the worse irrational decision ever made; good thing it didn't work out. In 2007 I turned 21 and started to enjoy life a little too much, but I grew up and learned a lot about myself. 2008 was rather uneventful except that I decided that it wasn't worth working in a bad environment if it was compromising who I was, so I took a stand for myself and quit my job and began the life of unsteady employment.

This past decade definitely influenced who I am today and was a definite rollercoaster ride to find myself and this past year was full of surprises, disappearances, and firsts to say the least. So here is 2010... Please be gentler with me and give me a year of goodness and positive change. Be a year where I can be all that God intended for me and allow me to be a positive light in the life of others instead of dwelling in my own emotions. 2010, please just be a better year for me, ok?

God in the Alley

Growing up in the church made me know the basics of being a Christian but as I have gotten older my views and opinions of the fundamentals has changed. I have always heard “He came among the poor, not the rich; dwelt with the weak, not the powerful; made himself of no reputation rather than seeking the famous.” Finally Greg Paul put my next thoughts into words: “And he lived and died in submission to our rules and regulations while never being subverted by them.”

I have been told that I am too tolerant, I work too hard to justify certain actions, and I am too worldly, but these statements always have bothered me. I felt like people would be taking away a big part of me if they took those things away from me. Maybe seeing past people’s flaws is part of my childlike innocence that I never lost and I am more than okay with that!

God is love, God wants us to love ourselves, and God wants us to love our neighbors. Not just my fellow church going neighbors but everyone. What if my neighbor is a recovering addict? Have they lost the chance of being shown love despite their past? Jesus walked among them, in their world, so is it so bad if I do the same thing? Would it be better for me to sit back and judge their actions or to walk next to them and learn what their world is like? One could turn them away from Christianity forever and the other could save them for eternity.

Greg Paul also said “I discover a new challenge: to be sent, not just to the streets, but beyond the internal barriers I have erected to protect myself.” What if my neighbor is homeless? I don’t know what has put them on the street and does it really matter? I might get taken advantage of and walked all over but maybe that’s a good thing. That is what I have done to my Father who has wanted nothing but the best for me all along. I do not want internal barriers and walls to keep me from the truth of the broken community around me.

If I became hard hearted and strict about my faith and expect others around me to live up to it am I really doing anyone (including myself) any good? Can I really live in this world just like Jesus did and make an impact on the broken people around me? If I sit and wonder am I just wasting time and procrastinating from the inevitable? If I jump in without weighing all the possibilities will I mess up the work God might already be doing? Is love strong enough, in all situations, that these questions do not even matter? Mother Teresa once said "Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired."

I long to live and die to the submission of rules and regulations while never being corrupted by them.

My Next Step

Now that I am moving forward I have been spending lots of time trying to figure out what that means


1) School – Next semester I am hitting the books and studying human services. It is time to get a degree and education so I can do what I love.

2) Family – I want to spend Christmas with my mom’s side of the family. Maybe it would boost my holiday spirits but I just long for change and closeness within my cousins, aunts, and uncles. I also am going to send my biological family Christmas cards. Not that they will say anything significant but just putting out the fact that I think of them.

3) Job – Time to start looking! I need a positive outlet in my life and it is time to find the ambition to find a way to improve my financial life. I also need to find a new community of people, even if it is in the professional world, because I am getting to wrapped up in me and I need to remember there are other people out there.

4) Church – I need to find a ministry that I love again, not that I have fallen out of love with youth, but I have not had my heart in it lately. I need to find my heartbeat and smile again. I also need to open His Word up again. I have forgotten the love I use to have for being a part of the church and it is probably because I have forgotten the love I had for Him. Time to refocus and remember.

5) Extracurriculars – I need to stop drinking, watching TV, and Farmville; or at least limit these activities drastically. I have been my only focus and that needs to change immediately. I need to find a new ministry that I want to get up and go to in the morning or that I will want to set time out of my day to participate in. I want to find my love for people again and forget myself for awhile.


Time for a change and I am excited. Here is to hoping my next step was better than the last.