Lady Luck

I Hope I'm Wrong

2011-03-31T17:46:00.002-04:00

If history repeats itself then Ren is about ready to leave me again. He will make it out to be my fault but the money is almost gone and the girls are not easing up on their availability. I don't understand. I know how bad he wants a family however it doesn't seem like he is ready to grow up in certain areas. He is an amazing dad, I will never take that from him. He still likes to go out though. He still likes the attention. I feel like he thinks everything is my responsibility because I'm the mom and he's the man so he can do whatever he wants. He makes me feel bad if I want a break or ask for help because that means I am selfish. I think I am to an extent but it is because he is there and I didn't think that I needed to hesitate to ask for help. Once he is working I obviously understand that will be different. I hope hope hope I am wrong. I feel bad for even having this thought. I want to be with him forever. I hope he knows and believes that.

I Thought the Days Would Get Easier

2011-02-21T22:51:00.001-05:00

It is weird to think that I just had my babies ten days ago. Last week seems like such a blur as we were trying to finish up details for the funeral and visit Rallen in NICU.

Everyone keeps asking if her funeral was nice. How do I answer that? There should not have been a funeral at all. But I guess considering I had no choice in the matter it was as nice as it could be? I saw her for one last time but she was not what I remembered. I remembered her beautiful smooth skin, her tiny nose and ears, her precious mouth, tiny fingers and toes (but very long!); however, when I saw her in her casket she was not that beautiful angel. I saw the true situation and what she really looked like for the first time. Maybe I just did not want to accept the situation and wanted to stay naïve because when I talked to Ren about it he said her skin was what I saw on Thursday and not the smooth angel I saw. Many people showed up to support us, some we expected and some we didn’t but the whole experience was just overwhelming. Burying a child is hard enough let alone when you are away from another and being bombarded by people who have questions. I have questions too, but for some reason mine don’t seem to matter. My questions get me no where except for more depressed. Just getting ready for the occasion seemed impossible. Nothing seemed appropriate to wear because I should not have had to buy anything to go to my child’s funeral. I should not be burying a child at 24.

The burial was interesting. I knew it was going to be a rough day as daddy carried her out to the fire truck and as she got to take her first and only fire truck ride. It’s not fair that Ren only got to do that with her once. She is suppose to be his princess and tag along for everything! However, his mother causing a scene and leaving was not something I expected. No one understands that Ren and I are the ones grieving. We made Gabriella and we were the only ones who got to see, touch, and hold her. So while everyone else might hurt through this situation, they should be hurting for us because they never got to know her like we did. For someone to be so selfish and make the day all about them and their needs is completely unnecessary and hurtful. I had to look away when they put her casket into the ground. No parent should have to see this, let alone watch dirt be thrown on top of her. I felt so helpless as a mother as I watched dirty dirt be thrown on her. I feel like she should have been buried in gold because that is more of what she deserved.

Saying we have been on a rollercoaster of emotions is really an understatement. Every day something good happened with Rallen we had something bad with Gabi. Thursday Rallen got taken off of oxygen and phototherapy for his jaundice, and then we went to Gabi’s funeral. Friday we buried Gabi and then went to hold Rallen for the first time. I thought that Saturday would be easier, that this next week would be easier but it’s not. I don’t think time will heal this. I think that when Rallen takes his first steps that Gabi should be taking hers. I think when Rallen has his first birthday party that she should be there too. I think that Rallen and Gabi should have the same first words. I think that when we hold Rallen we should be able to hold her too. I think that right now as I am watching Rallen move around his bed in NICU that she should be right next to him kicking and moving around. How come what I think never matters?

I have never felt so helpless. My recovery is not going so well from the c-section and I’m restricted from laundry, driving, lifting, etc. I so badly want to stay busy and keep things up but I do not have that option as my complications/infections keep getting worse. I so badly want to take care of Ren. He has been there for me every time I have needed him and has gone over any expectations I might have had. He thinks and takes care of my needs before I even realize they are needs. He really has been amazing and I wonder if I would have survived without him. Might seem drastic, but in reality I feel like I would have given up completely. I worry about him though that he is going to start resenting me for all that he is doing for me and the little I am doing for him. I worry that he will find life easier with someone else who can take care of his needs. I don’t think he realizes how much I appreciate him because I don’t know how to express that fully. Every other bad thing that has happened to me I have shut down and felt really alone in; however, with this I have felt supported and close to him. I know that I always can go to him and that he can truly understand and relate to my pains. I hate that I cannot care for Rallen the way he needs me to. He needs his mom right now and I don’t feel like I can be there for him all the time as I am still grieving and recovering myself. I know he is in good hands so I do not worry about him; I just want to be there for him more. I hate that I can’t make him better and that I can’t be stronger. I hate that when I hold him I tear up and when I look at him there is a part of me that is just completely devastated that he is alone. I sit back and watch the nurses comfort him when he cries and I’m jealous. I want his dad and I to be the only ones comforting him. Why do I have to be so selfish? Why can’t I just sit and enjoy my little boy and put all other emotions behind me? I hate that I feel so guilty for Gabriella not being here. Everyone tells me it is not my fault, that there was nothing I could have done. Deep down I think I know that too and I worry that if I would have done something that Rallen would not be here; however, I still feel like a bad mom. A good mom takes care of her kids and speaks up and does something if things do not seem right. Why didn’t I do that? I sat around and complained about how I did not feel like my midwife was paying attention to me but I did nothing to change that or get a second opinion. I did nothing to fight for my daughter and that is what a good mom is suppose to do. If I missed such a crucial thing with her (that everyone says is not my fault) could I miss something with Rallen and end up hurting him in some unknown way? Their lives are so fragile and I am suppose to protect them and make them feel safe. I just feel like I neglected that with her. I hope that she knew that I loved her though and how much I miss her. I would do anything to have her here. I hope she knows that I think about her all the time. Every time I look at her brother. Every time I see another little girl. Every time I hear “princess” or “angel”. Every time I touch my stomach and realize she is not there anymore. Every time I walk into the nursery. Every time I close my eyes. Every time I see pink. I just want her to know that and know that I am sorry for what I did.

I read a book the other day called “Mommy, Please Don’t Cry” which is an ironic title since I bawled through the whole thing in the middle of Barnes and Noble. It is this little girl who is trying to comfort her mom by talking about what heaven is like. She talks about meeting this guy named Noah who built a big boat. She talks about how she is finding all these secret places to go and she can’t wait to show me. I wish I was there with her as she experienced this. I hope that she has someone up there to take care of her; like my grandma, Ren’s grandpa, or someone else who can care for her like I couldn’t.

Rallen Michael and Gabriella Annette

2011-02-12T22:53:00.000-05:00

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind as we have spent our time trying to prepare for Rallen's arrival and for Gabriella's funeral. We have not taken much of a break due to the fact that we had no idea when we would deliver. The doctor told us mid-March but we did not feel like it would take that long.

During these past few weeks we have been reminded that God has never left us and that there are still good people in this world. From strangers offering to help us with expenses to those closest to us checking in on us, we have really felt loved. In these times it is especially easy for me to get mad at God and wonder what he is doing, but people's love and support has been a constant reminder that God has not forgotten about u and that He is still active in our lives at all times.

Starting Tuesday, but especially Wednesday and Thursday, I was not feeling good. I was having a lot of back pain and was just trying to sleep it off. Thursday we went about our appointments as always when one of the places suggested that we called our doctor just to tell him that I was not feeling too good. I told them that I had an appointment the next morning (Friday) so I would just wait but they strongly urged against it.

I called the nurse expecting her to tell me I was emotional and overreacting but to my surprise she told me I needed to come into the doctor's office immediately. We were close by so we went straight there and that is when the doctor checked me and told me that Gabi had broke my water but was blocking it and that is why I did not know. He then called us into his actual office and told us that he planned on delivering the babies Friday morning at 7:30 a.m.

This was hard for me as I kept telling Ren that I was not ready to let her go. I knew that she was gone and I was not in denial over this; however, she was still inside of me and that is where I wanted to keep her awhile longer. She on the other hand wanted out. We did not have any bags packed and we frantically started calling our pastor, funeral director, and family to let them know that the day was coming. The hospital staff went over and beyond their job descriptions and took such good care of us. As I sat there upset that I did not get any maternity pictures (because our appointment was this upcoming Saturday) the nurse was calling her husband to go pick up a camera while another nurse was getting a security guard to unlock a beautiful room down the hall from us so we could have pictures taken.

It was a very sleepless and rough night but then at 4 a.m. the pain killers were not helping and I started to have contractions in my hips. They called the doctor, who was sleeping across the hall, in to check me and he told me that we had to have our babies earlier than expected. Gabriella was the first baby they pulled out (at 5:29), but they rushed her away and id not let us see her. Rallen followed close behind (at 5:31). We only saw him briefly as they flashed him over the curtain and rushed him off to make sure he was breathing.

When they took us out to recovery is when they brought us Gabriella. All I can really say is that those moments we had with our daughter can never be forgotten. She was beautiful. Ren and I cherished every moment with her and we even took some pictures with her. The NICU was even generous enough to bring us Rallen for a few minutes so we could take a picture of the four of us. I saw a quote last weekend that said "Some people dream of angels: We held one in our arms", this could not summarize it any better.

It has been a rollarcoaster of emotions since Thursday. Losing a child is hard but being separated from the other one at the same time has been overwhelming. Rallen is doing well and is pretty much breathing on his own and today he even gets to eat. Ren and I look forward to his assessment times since that means we get to be active with him and talk to him. He is a very calm baby who I swear is a momma's boy already because he opened his eyes for me a lot and then the second Ren came around with the camera he closed them. Who knew I got him trained to run away from cameras already? :)

I cannot thank everyone enough for their support, as I mentioned previously. I hopefully get released on Monday, but that is best case scenario. Rallen will be in the NICU for quite awhile still as he still has a long way to go. Gabriella's funeral is on Thursday night but we do not know the exact time yet but we will keep everyone updated as we learn ourselves.

This Isn't How its Suppose to Be

2011-01-30T18:05:00.000-05:00

Today Ren and I went to the viewing for Cody Collins. I knew it was going to be a little hard because Cody was such a great guy and our feelings were raw and sensitive anyways. When we were standing in line his tattoo showed up on a slideshow that said “Be Here Now”. I thought about it for awhile as I realized this is a motto that I need to have right now. I need to cherish these last few moments with Gabi, even if she is not able to know what is going on. It is unfair to her (and Rallen) if I just give up and stop rubbing my stomach because she deserves to still feel love regardless of what is going on.

Then as we walked up to the parents I realized that parents should never have to bury their children. I knew this, but it struck me extra hard as I had nothing to say to Cody’s mom because there is nothing anyone can say that can make it any easier to say goodbye to your own flesh and blood. How am I suppose to stand in that same spot and bury my own child? I am not suppose to have to do that, especially at my age! Why can’t I have time and memories with her? Why can’t I have enough time of her to be able to have lasting memories? Cody’s friends and family have done his memory a great justice as they have his truck visible, his casket personalized, and people out drinking his favorite drinks and sharing stories. Why can’t I have stories to share? Why can’t I have pictures to show? Why can’t I do something personalized for her? I call her my princess, but what if she would have hated that and we would have called her something else? Why didn’t I have this chance?

We did not look into the casket because I felt like it was dishonoring to his mom. Granted it was her decision but I could not just walk past a mother’s child like that. I want to be selfish with Gabi and I do not want people looking at her, or even wanting to look at her. I will never be able to attend funerals the same again. Let alone be able to offer comforting words because they just do not exist and it would be foolish of me to even try.

I fear that I will not be strong enough for Rallen. Even now Ren has to remind me to breath and calm me down on a very regular basis. I know this is not good for Rallen and it makes me feel even worse about my abilities to be a mother. Let alone, I do not know how I am going to be able to mourn when she is here but give him the precious attention and love that he needs as a newborn. How do you celebrate a life and a death of a child within a couple of minutes?

Ren should not have to be taking care of me like he has been. He should be able to grieve in his own way and know that he can depend on me instead of fearing leaving me alone and the mess that I turn into. I hate that he can’t even work a 4 hour shift without coming over to constantly check on me. I want to be stronger for him. I do not want him to break under pressure and decide his life would just be easier with someone else (especially since there are girls just waiting for that to happen so they can jump in). I want him to feel the same amount of support and security from me that I feel from him. Without him being by my side I fear that I would have lost both kids but with him I can’t wait for our future and trying to cope with our new life and what that means.

"Comforting" Words from Others

2011-01-29T18:04:00.000-05:00

Throughout the past few days some people have said some very interesting things. I am not criticizing or mad at them for saying them as I realize that they are just trying to grieve in their way and that others just do not know what to say.

Yesterday I went to dinner with the Cooks and Monica was telling me how Emma and Caroline have been having a hard time with the news. She said that every once in awhile that the girls will just tell their parents that they are sad for me. I do the same thing, but they are just too young to have to learn about death and think about kids dying. Mariah also has been asking questions in regards to why Jesus took our baby. What happened to allowing kids to play with dolls and use their imagination of worlds with princesses and castles?

During my last pregnancy I had a hard time with people telling me that God is holding my baby. While I am not saying that I do not want that to happen and I would like to imagine God holding her if I can’t, it doesn’t make me feel better. Doesn’t God have enough people in heaven to give attention and hold? Why did he need to take my baby so early and leave me here hurting so badly?

Furthermore during my last pregnancy people said we lost the baby because we were not married and it was bad timing. Now people are saying that there still must be a reason and some day we will figure out what it is. Am I that bad of a person that God doesn’t trust me to have a little girl? What is so wrong in my life that God felt the need to take her from me? I am not saying that I expected parenting twins to be easy but I was ready for the challenge.

Ren and I always rolled our eyes at people who talked to us about our twins. When we told people that we were having a boy and a girl they would always say “Good! Then you can be done!” We always just turned around and said “I am so glad they made that decision for us!” Now, people turn to us and say “Well just wait and you can try again”. I do not like thinking of replacing Gabriella and I also do not know how I feel about trying to get pregnant again considering all of our complications we have had. We do not know what our future holds with kids but I do know that it is a decision we will not be making in the near future.

Many women have sent me messages saying they understand how I feel because they lost a child too. This was comforting the first time when we were only 8 weeks along; however, I do not feel like anyone could understand this. I have one dead child and one living child inside of me. I have carried this child for 20+ weeks and was planning for her arrival and making plans for her future. This is not the same as women who have had miscarriages in their first trimester.
A girl at Starbucks yesterday told me that she was glad that these past few weeks that I have been feeling the best of the pregnancy. She then said “Maybe Gabi was just taking to much out of you”. I would take back every complaint of not feeling good, be on bed rest, and sick the rest of the entire pregnancy if it meant I could have my little girl back.

A lady at a bar walked up to me and told me that it is better that Gabi didn’t make it because than we would have a child who might have special needs. Really? It is better to not have a living child than to have one with disabilities? I understand that I do not want my child to suffer; however, it might not have been a disabling problem but something very manageable.
Last night a lady walked up to me and touched my stomach and asked if I was pregnant. I told her yes and she asked when I was due. I stuttered because I did not know this lady and really did not want to tell her that I did not know for sure. She then asked me what I was having and that is when I said “a boy and a girl”. She told me I was lucky and that (of course) at least I could be done having kids. Is that a bad thing to say? I mean I know that I do have a boy and a girl, but it is weird as I am trying to process things on my own to have people make comments about her. I just want to protect her and I do not know if that means representing her memory and making her presence known or just letting her go in peace and not have the world broadcasting it.

Others just walk up to me and ask me how the pregnancy is going and I, again, stutter through it. People always walk away feeling bad for asking and treat me differently after words. I do not want that, but I understand that it is just a hard situation. So should I lie to spare people’s feelings? Just put on a happy face and pretend like all is well?

Our Princess Gabriella - Facebook Note

2011-01-28T18:02:00.000-05:00

Normally I am very private with details of situations until I am ready; however, I know there are questions and so we decided it would just be easier to tell everyone at once. I hope that there is also some understanding with this though that we do not have answers and nothing makes sense to us but this is what we know:

To back track a little: I have been having problems throughout this whole pregnancy. It started with a hematoma the day after our wedding. Our last ultrasound was the first week of December (20 weeks 5 days) and they were 1 pound and 12 inches long. Then December 17th I went in for an emergency check up because I was so sick all night and I wasn’t sure if my water broke or what was going on. On December 26th I ended up being admitted to the hospital for dehydration and an infection that was putting me into contractions that were only 3 minutes apart. After that we had two doctor’s appointments before Wednesday and they told us that everything was perfectly fine.

Wednesday morning we woke up and Ren asked me if I was ready for our ultrasound appointment and I just looked at him and grinned from ear to ear and said “Let’s go see our babies!” Everything about this ultrasound was routine as the tech first scoped out the babies and then turned the screen so we could see. I thought it was weird that they started with Baby B (Rallen) because they always have started with Baby A (Gabi) but I quickly got over it as I got to see the tech measure Rallen and see that he was growing healthy. When she finished with him she left the room and I became hysterical. I never had a reason to panic before this moment; however, I remembered the doctor telling us that the tech could never tell us bad news and that she would always get a doctor to do it (Not to mention we witnessed this first hand with our first miscarriage). The doctor then came in and told us that even though I am technically at 28 weeks Rallen was measuring at 31 and Gabi was measuring at 22. I lost it and fell into Ren’s arms as the doctor told us that she did not make it. They made an appointment with the specialist for Thursday in Fort Wayne so we could get more answers and find out what this information exactly meant.

Ren and I spent the night playing “what if”. I tried to Google everything and find answers to how this could happen or what I could blame it on. Neither one of us slept well but we were trying to hope for the best and expect the worse. After all, doctors have been wrong before and we were not satisfied with how the ultrasound actually happened.

Thursday we went to the specialist but unfortunately they told us the same news. They told us that Gabi had no heart beat and was not alive. They think her heart just failed and that there was nothing anyone could have done to save her. Rallen on the other hand is healthy and huge! We were worried about a small issue with his brain (especially since Ren and his niece have had these issues at a young age) but the doctor assured us that it is nothing to worry about; he’s just going to be big like his daddy!

So the big question. What now? Well… we wait.

The doctor gave me steroid shots to help quicken lung development incase Rallen decides to come early. At this point we have no idea if he will come this weekend or in April. Gabriella will stay inside of me until Rallen decides he is ready to come out or the doctors start to worry if she is in some way hurting him (but as of now that is no concern). Ren and I decided that we will have a funeral for her and now we are just working on the details of that.

While we have no answers we are trying to keep pushing through for Rallen. We are thankful to have a healthy baby boy but it is very bitter sweet to be planning baby showers and funerals at the same time. We definitely ask for prayer and strength through this as I need to remain emotionally stable for Rallen, even on the days I just want to give up. Ren and I have a lot of hard decisions to make in a very short matter of time and we are just trying to make sure that they are good decisions and not fully based on our emotions.

Losing two babies in 7 months is not something we expected, especially since we got so far into this pregnancy and have been preparing for twins this entire time. I don’t think that even saying that I feel ambushed would begin to describe how I feel. I am trying to figure out what to do with a singleton since I have been planning so hard towards having two infants and am currently working on reworking our registries and cleaning out the nursery for the stuff we had bought for Gabriella to make more room for Rallen.

Undoubtedly we are going to need prayers through these next few weeks/months. Please keep us in your prayers and I apologize in advance if we do not respond to people right away. Personally, I sometimes just do not feel like I can answer questions or even put into words what I should say but I promise that every email and message means a lot to Ren and I as we are constantly reading them to each other throughout the day. We are determined that this will make us stronger and for some reason we keep getting put through seemingly impossible trials but we always work through them together.

Thanks again for all the support we have received so far and for the support that is to come!
The Thackers

Unexpected Turn

2011-01-27T12:17:00.002-05:00

This morning Ren looked at me and asked if I was ready for our appointment with the ultrasound tech. I turned to him with a genuine smile and said "Lets go see our babies!" Little did I know that it might be the last time I say those words.

The visit started off routine as the ultrasound tech looked at the kids. She turned the monitor on and started showing us our boy. I was surprised at first because they normally start with Baby A (Gabriella) but quickly forgot as we sat and admirred Rallen. Towards the end the lady got up and said she would be back. I immediately panicked. Our midwife told us before that the tech could not give us news that she would get the doctor if it was urgent. Tears started to fill my eyes as I was scared of what they would tell us.

When they returned the doctor told us that Gabriella was only at 22 weeks and Rallen is at 31 weeks. I immediately rolled over and became hysterical. They told us we lost our little princess.

I don't understand any of it! At 22 weeks I was nauseous with diarrhea, contractions, and I thought my water broke. I went to our midwife and she was unphased. Then 2 weeks later I was admitted to the hospital for an infection and dehydration. Even ast week we had an appointment and at every one they found 3 separate heartbeats (Rallen's, Gabi's, and mine). How could they if she stopped developing? That first morning my mom told me to get to the doctor because I had the same look in my eyes as I did with my first miscarriage. If she could see it why couldn't the doctors?

Am I such a bad person that I'm not meant to be a mom? Everyone has been criticizing me this whole pregnancy about doing too much, not gaining enough weight, etc. Is God punishing me for becoming so distant and not listening to the signs He is giving me? Am I not suppose to ever be a mom? Am I never going to be able to give Ren kids? Have I just had too much happiness lately? Was I too excited to have a family so it had to be snatched away from me? Why is it so easy for everyone else? Is Rallen ok? Will we have at least our little boy make it?

Dear Homewrecking Whore

2011-01-02T13:27:00.001-05:00

I knew that you would not own up to what you are doing with my husband and write me back on my last letter; which is funny considering you must “really care about him a lot”. The thing is, I didn’t send you the real letter that I wanted to send you. So now you get it:

I think you are a repulsive individual. I know more about you than you might think, I know that sounds stalkerish, but let me finish. I was working at Kruse with some of your friends when your mom passed away. Everyone was devastated for you, and I was too even though I did not know you because I could not imagine how much pain that would cause a person. Later I heard that your dad rather wasn’t the nicest guy all along or went downhill after your mom was gone; regardless, it made me feel bad for you. Then when I saw you out at the bar all the time I assumed that must have been the way you were coping with the grief and pain and so I pushed my doubt of you being a sleazy slut and took extra measures to make sure you were ok. Did I really want Ren to pick up his phone at 3 am when we were in bed together and you were calling for the 8th time? No. Was I worried that you might have got into an accident or pulled over and need help though? Yes. So I bothered him until he answered the phone for you. Wow, I know you what you are thinking, I am quite a bitch, and how dare I do such a thing?

I also gave you the benefit of the doubt this summer when I stood there and talked to you and another person about me being pregnant. Little did I know that you were trying to get with Ren then. Do you have any sort of conscience? I lost our child so you did not want to be done pursuing him even though we were engaged and living together? You need some serious help. Do you want other kids being raised by a broken family and experiencing only one parent because it didn’t work out to well for you and people with a heart typically want better for others. Especially those people who go into careers involving social work and helping people. Maybe that is why you didn’t cut it as a social worker though – did they find out you were soulless too?

You think that it is cool to show off Ren on your Facebook with you? Do you realize that it is your reputation that you are ruining? Are you really willing to take that big of a chance in a small town but yet not even be able to write a letter back to his wife defending your actions, if you so call care for him. Do you enjoy all the dirty looks you get when you go out in public? Do you blame me for telling people? Well truth me told, I didn’t have to tell anyone. You ruined your image on your own. Not that you really had a good one before considering everyone told me that you have always been a whore or they tell me not to worry about it because your ugly and just as hideous on the inside that Ren will figure it out.

Oh, and P.S., if you think you are going to be involved in my kids’ life think twice. You really will be destroying a family because my kids will never be around someone who is so ugly and miserable with their life like you so you will also be keeping Ren from his own kids; which I’m sure he told you how excited he is to have. So again, way to break up a family!

The Rollarcoaster of 2010

2010-12-31T13:29:00.000-05:00

This year I have had a hard time writing back on the past year because it has definitely been a year full of challenges. But oh well, lets see what I can remember.

January – I got back with Ren (only 2 years later) and things were perfect. Spending every night kissing and holding each other was a dream come true; but of course ended the month letting him see my drunken side, which did not go so well.

February – Ren left me and so I drowned myself in my 21 credit hours of school and just spent the month missing him and trying to get him to come back.

March – Well the 6th was a night of magic for Ren and I and we began our track to regain the love we knew was there. I then turned around and spent the week in Florida with my parents and ending the trip in Durham with Uncle Wayne.

April – April was just a crazy month as I spent the semester trying to finish the semester strong while also maintaining and building a relationship. Also, FaithLynn had her surgery and Mariah spent the week with us so we got to experience a crash course in parenting while driving over 1000 miles that week between Auburn, Indy, to Wabash.

May – Things of course got rough again as I turned into my depressed self and pushed Ren away. I let my emotions get to me and pushed Ren to be around a girl who made me think that he cheated with her. I kicked him out and did what I do best, tried to run away.

June – The morning of the 3rd I wrote Ren a letter and felt confident that we needed another 2 year break. I did not want to be done, but I just did not feel like we were ready (or maybe just I wasn’t ready to let someone fully in). Later that afternoon my life was changed when I took 2 pregnancy tests that turned out positive. I told Ren and although I know he secretly wanted to be happy, it just felt like bad timing and he of course questioned if I was telling the truth so I took the 3rd positive pregnancy test the next morning. We were excited but those around us were not and my mother cried. The 25th Ren took a huge step and asked my dad if he could marry me. Even though my dad warned him of my craziness it did not turn Ren away and I spent the next few days guessing how I thought he would propose. I told him I thought it would be under the fireworks (because that is what I always wanted) and to my surprise he got all defensive. Then the 29th I lost a piece of my heart. As Ren and I went to our first baby’s doctor appointment we were ecstatic but clueless about how the process worked. As we went into the ultrasound room I could tell that our midwife was having problems finding their heartbeat. I left devastated knowing that this was not going to turn out good but Ren of course was strong for our family. We went back the next day to a very cold ultrasound tech who walked out of the room with a somber “I’m sorry” which was followed by a doctor who told us that they could not find their heartbeat and we had lost our first child.

July – The 1st was an awful day as I was forced to face the reality of losing our first child. I never would have made it without Ren as he was there for me every minute and did not let me sit in my misery but let me cry when I needed to. Previously I was worried that he was a controlling guy, but this day changed my perspective as I knew he was not controlling me but looking out for me. The 4th we went to the Bixler Lake Fireworks and as we were sitting there the thought of how I wanted to be proposed to crossed my mind; however, I knew he did not have a chance to get a ring so as I almost made a sarcastic comment such as “now would be a perfect time to propose” he pulled me in and started talking sweet to me. He was very casual and told me how much he loved me and asked if I wanted to spend forever with him (which was not an uncommon conversation for us) and he asked if I would marry him, but I was completely clueless that he was actually proposing till he slid a ring on my finger when I said yes. It was perfect. Very romantic, very low key, and the perfect man. We spent the rest of the month planning out wedding. We wanted to get married in October when we were pregnant and we decided to keep the date regardless of losing our child.

August – I hadn’t started my period and I was starting to freak out about it a little bit so I grabbed a pregnancy test while Ren was at work, without him knowing. August 10th we found out that we were expecting again. We were both in shock and did not tell anyone. We found ourselves back at the doctor’s office a few weeks later and I was Captain Negativity. I cautioned Ren before we walked in and asked him if he was ready to lose another child; however, we were in complete shock as we walked in expecting to walk out losing another child but really walked out with two kids. We even got to hear our kids’ heartbeats!

September – We took our first road trip (or pre-honeymoon) and went to Florida to spend the week with Ren’s grandma. On our way back I had spotting and was scared that we lost them, but went back to the doctor’s office and they were still doing good.

October – The 16th we got married! While I protested a big wedding and avoided eye contact with the audience at all costs, I really did enjoy myself. I never felt so good about myself and I even got to wear my first dress! We used our dollar dance money to get a hotel and woke up to a nightmare. I thought I felt something weird so I walked to the bathroom and when I turned on the light I saw blood all over. This is not how I expected to wake up my first day married but I started crying and yelled for Ren and he handled the situation like a pro and was on the phone with our doctor within a few minutes. We spent the afternoon at the hospital but the kids yet again made it through another trial and I was diagnosed with a hematoma. On the 20th we found out we were definitely having a (showoff) boy, Rallen. They could not guarantee that the other baby was a girl but they were sure, and a few weeks later we did find out that we were going to have a little princess, Gabriella.

November – The honeymoon did not last long as my relationship problems quickly emerged and exploded. Thanksgiving Eve the fighting got so intense that the night ended with holes in the walls, police stations, car chases, and moving out. Our problems were quickly exaggerated and I was quickly wondering if I was going to end up being a single mom of twins.
December – I moved back in with my parents and had many complications with my health. Still don’t know what is going to happen with Ren, but I’m devastated. That I do know. On a good note, I finally graduated from college.

I don’t know what 2011 will bring. All I know is that emotionally I am a mess and have a lot to figure out before my kids get here. I just want to be a good mom, I hope next year I can say that I love my kids and put them first and that I am a family. I want Ren to come back to us.

Clarity or Hormones?

2010-08-29T01:00:00.001-04:00

These seem to run together and blur between the lines of reality. I desire clarity and while I think I find it I wonder if it is just my hormones going out of control. Vise Versa, I feel like I am losing my mind and going crazy and it must just be the hormones, or am I finally seeing clearly?

Will I ever really know what reality is for me? Will I ever really find truth in a broken world full of hurt and troubles that are never going to leave my life?

I desire life, love, and clarity. The rest can go to hell.

Take 2

2010-08-26T23:23:00.002-04:00

Two days ago I found out that I am pregnant with twins. This is simply a miracle in my eyes because I did not think that I would have this chance again, let alone so soon.

I wish others saw it as a miracle like I do.

The past few weeks has been chaotic as I have been on a rollarcoaster of emotions but now that I saw a heartbeat I have hope. I know that things are going to be ok now and I am now out to care for my babies from this day forward no matter what it takes. However, I hate this feeling of being possessed, I do not even feel like myself. Words that come out of my mouth shock me and thoughts that I have make me wonder what I have become.

I wish I could find my purpose again.

Maybe thats what is missing. I grew up knowing what my purpose was and feeling full of purpose as I was living a life that I was proud of. Now I am a walking disgrace to many who want to disown me as a daughter, as a friend, and as a partner. I am losing everything around me, so it feels. I need to own motherhood but that cannot consume me. I need to go back to finding where I belong and plugging myself into the Kingdom. That is when I am happy.

The Road to Recovery

2010-07-02T23:14:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was another hard day in my book of life. As I got out of bed, from my sleepless night, I could not stop crying. I did not want to walk out the door but as Ren said it was time I knew it was inevitable and I wasn't going to be waking up from the nightmare.

We walked up to surgery and thankfully I got a nice nurse and I lasted through all of the questions until the very end. As I laid there in my backless gown crying Ren just kept holding my hand, but I knew he was having a hard time too so I let him lose himself in my laptop and I stared out the window.

I wondered how people could be outside enjoying such a nice day when I was inside suffering. I felt like it wasn't only my baby who was losing life that day but another part of my heart went with my nameless baby. As I kept wondering what my friends were doing to enjoy the sunshine I finally became a little unselfish and wondered what I would be doing outside while unknowingly people were inside suffering. It was eye-opening, but than the mood changed asm ore doctors came in to talk to me and I remembered why I was there.

The nurse took me down the hall before Ren could kiss me and that is when the tears started to flow. Thankfully the doctor quickly knocked me out but they later told Ren that I passed out crying. I do not remember this, but I do remember waking up in Recovery scared because I did not know who the lady was standing over me.

In a quick panic I said "Where's my baby?" and as the tears grew in her eyes they started flowing from mine as I remembered. She told me that the baby was pretty much just tissue and I would never be able to hold that or see that and I just remember crying harder and harder imagining them just putting my baby that I wanted to love deeply in a bag and throwing my baby in the garbage.

I began to have a panic/anxiety attack really bad and two nurses were by my side as my breathing was completely flat lining for long periods of time. I kept asking for some medicine or Ren and they said they could not give me either but as I kept flat lining they decided to take me out of Recovery early and let me go to Ren. He just held my hand as I shook and cried and gradully I calmed down. I was no longer alone staring at some stranger, but the love of my life and the father of my baby was there feeling the same pain.

Once we left the hospital I was actually doing really good and did not mind going out. We did some walking around but it quickly wore me out and we fell right asleep to a movie. Unfortunately I woke up at 2:30 in the morning in complete agony. I could not move any of my body parts except for my fingers and toes and I started crying again as I was reminded why my body hurt so bad. I miss being pregnant, I miss my baby.

When I would wake up hurting last week I would just rub my stomach, or Ren would, and I would bear with the uncomfortableness but now I just cry. It is not fair that I feel symptoms and have to be constantly reminded of what was taken from me. I have pretty much been up ever since trying to get more pain medicine and adjusted by the chiropractor because my body feels like a pressure cooker that could pop any second. It is just the beginning of the complications I would probably experience but I'm scared that the waking up and having crying spells is not going to end any time soon. Even looking at babies or little kids right now makes me emotional, I wanted that, I wanted a family, I wanted to love that baby like no one else has love a child before.

I am scared of having to go through this process another ten times. I'm scared of even going through it another time but I don't want to give up on our dream of having a family either.

Maybe it is time to give up and go to counseling after all... Maybe my stubbornness is softening?

Where's My Happy Ending?

2010-06-30T23:03:00.000-04:00

Words cannot begin to describe this deep sense of agony I feel. Today I lost my child, and I don't even have a name for my baby. I don't even know if my baby is a boy or girl, or if my baby knows how much Ren and I wanted him or her. Does the baby know that we were planning our lives around loving this baby? Does the baby know how much I hate ccalling it "it" because our baby is a human being. I saw the baby and no one can take that from me.

However, tomorrow this baby will be taken from me. What if I did not let them take the baby from me? I hurt so bad that if the baby took my life I feel like it would be worth it to give this baby a chance to live.

What did I do wrong? I know the doctors and my friends say there is nothing I could have done but that does not seem right. Did I stay out to late? Was I around too much smoke? Did I not eat the right things? Was I too depressed? Did I drink too much before I knew I was pregnant? Was it the strep throat medication? Was I just too fat like my mom said? Was it because I am too selfish to care for any one else like my dad said? Was it because I did it out of wedlock like the church said? Was it because I prayed to God that if there was anything wrong with this child that he would just take the baby from me? I did not mean it, I thought God was suppose to know my heart and would know that I could handle it and would love that child regardless. I feel like my body is defective.

I wrote a letter a few weeks ago to the baby describing the world they were about to enter; ironically, I wrote it about the same time the baby stopped growing. I also got a crib and a car seat but as I stare at the mattress leaning against the dresser it just all seems so stupid.

Why do I have to still have symptoms? It seems to taunt me and seem like it is just there to remind me about how I lost the child rather than how it was suppose to be a blessing.

Will people ever stop coming up to me and ask me if I am just drinking coke or how the pregnancy is or if we want kids? This is why I don't like people right now, I want to wallow in my miseries, I want to be left alone, except for by Ren. I never want him to leave my side.

I am so selfish as I cry all the time about the pain but Ren is right there hurting too and worrying about me as well. He is hurting more than me and I can barely get him to talk about it as he is trying to remain strong for me. I love him for that but I hate myself. I wish I could be strong enough for all three of us. I wish something in my life would go easy for me so our relationship could be better and I could be everything Ren needed and wanted.

I keep hearing it happens for a reason, it will get better, that lots of women have had miscarriages; yet, it does nothing for me. I know all of these things but I do not want to hear them. I want to be miserable and wish that I could hold my baby, give our baby a name, and love this baby like no one else possibly could. I want this baby to know how deeply it was loved and always wanted for the eight weeks he or she was inside of me.

I Now Pronounce You Man and Wife

2010-05-13T23:25:00.002-04:00

"To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickenss, or in health, to love and to cherish till death do us part"

I grew up never expecting to say these words. While my friends were playing house I just didn't care. It seemed so far away and definitely not worth pretending about.

Now I am 23 and have a new perspective.

Last year my world was rocked and all the sudden it was thrown in my face that I was going to be saying those words and while it freaked me out I was excited. Then he was gone and I did not know what to do without those words. I had got my hopes up and saw my future as a wife and mother and now I was back to single and alone.

Now I am at the same place as last year. I want to say those words. I mean those words. Ren is the one for me that I want to hold every night, if it is good times or bad times, if we have money or not, if we are sick or healthy, and I will love and cherish him for the rest of my life. I do not even have to think twice about it or be nervous. He has waited for me and has handled situations very well with me that I would never want to consider having to go through with someone else.

Unfortunately I am pushing him away to hard. I am not a good person to date, and I will likely fail at these vows even with the best intentions, but it is what I desire I think in the end God will honor that and help me through. I have so much love to give but fail to show it. I do not think before I act and I get lost in the moment and it just hurts him. He is ready to give up, and I do not blame him; however, I hope he knows how much I am trying, how that everytime I hurt him I beat myself up and lay awake thinking about how dumb I am. I do not know what he sees in me most days but I see the future with him. He is what I want and who I could not live without. I am just hoping that he sticks with me because I cannot handle being single and alone again. I am ready to be Mrs. Thacker and have children of my own. I am ready to be pronounced man and wife. I am ready to begin forever.

Here's to Hoping 2010 is Better!

2009-12-30T17:52:00.002-05:00

2009 in Brutally Honest Review:

January - After Brewdaily's closed I could not find a job until a friend offered to let me work at her business. I became a temporary Tax preparer and learned a lot about co-workers. I have never had the privilege of working late hours every day in a small house with 8 chain smoking women. They also cursed worse than a sailor and while they would stop everything to pray and have worship music playing in the background they would throw out a little "GD" every once in a while. Definitely a new experience.
February - Tax season slowed down and I lost my job (darn!). Matt had his ACL surgery so I spent most of my time with him because I had so much free time that I didn't even know where to begin. I ruined a good relationship possibility or two but I just was not looking for that and messed up a couple of friendships because I couldn't realize it sooner. Plus along with boredom comes bad decision making so I did some recreational experimenting just to see what I had been "missing out on". My brother took a big step in his life and took off a mask for the first time; while I am very proud of him for it, it definitely made the rest of 2009 interesting.
March - Jeremiah got me a job working at Kruse where I quickly went from a few hours at night to full time. I loved my job and had fun meeting all my new co-workers; especially Steve.
April - Steve and I started dating and I thought I met the love of my life. He was the first guy I kissed, the first guy I brought home to my parents, and first relationship that I didn't intentionally mess up but genuinely wanted to have one, so it was a pretty big deal. My brother continued to work on taking off his mask but others did not accept it well and life got complicated fast. I lost a lot of friendships and was looked down upon for my brother's honesty. I spent the rest of spring defending him and dealing with the rollercoaster that people took me on as they did not realize the real toll it was taking on me.
May - I keet falling in lvoe with Steve more and more every day and our wedding plans began. We got into our first situation too where I thought I was going to get at spend my first night in jail but thankfully he was a professional in those situations and spared us the hassle.
June - Everything fell apart. Steve left without warning and completely vanished from my life. I lost Hali Tyler and the life that I was preparing for myself (I never imagined that I would get married; yet have a family, but than Steve happened. Than he left and I was forced to go back to my original thought of living a single life and that was far from easy). I lost my job at Kruse due to a poor economy. I was taken advantage of by a man I trusted. Justin came back and toyed with my emotions and let me think that he would be there for me like he use to me.
July - I called off the wedding (which was suppose to take place July 6th) as I realized that Steve was not coming back. I left on a road trip with Monica and the girls to her family's reunion for a time away and enjoyed the break from reality. I also got to go to CIY once again and have a feeling of normalcy again; however, coming home from that was not easy. So I decided on a Monday night that I needed to leave and by Tuesday afternoon I was headed to Tennessee.
August - I spent some time in Knoxville with Kristi as I didn't know what my next step would be but I had a trust that it was better for me to be there than in Auburn for the time being. From there I spent time at Jubilee with Amber and experienced life as a country girl, and I sure did learn fast that it would never be the life for me. From there I spent time in Chattanooga with Jen and Jay and their 3 amazing kids. Jen was exactly what I needed and she helped me more than I think she could ever really know. I than went and stayed at Open Door and found my purpose again. The purpose that was stolen from me was replaced and refreshed as I lived life in the shelter and remembered i was put here to help others, not to dwell in the woes of my own life circumstances. Justin left once again, never to be heard from again for months, and I was left wondering what happened this time. My parents much gave up on me. They did not understand what was going on and did not approve of my choices as I should have been looking for a job not traveling though states alone.
September - I came home refreshed and with a purpose, for about a week; than the depression kicked in. I was told that I needed to find a new place to live as I had lost the little relationship I had with my parents. They were refoced on another person who needed their attention so I understood but I needed them too. I moved into my first apartment the last week of the month.
October - My neice was born, but I of course chickened out of seeing her and dealing with all the situations that could have erupted from my visit. I spent most of this month wasting time and sitting alone as I had no idea how I was going to afford an apartment since Steve left with my bank account when he left my life.
November - Most of my nights were spent drunken and out of my right mind as I was trying to cope with too much on my own. My grandmother got sick and while I was not on good terms with her I was forced into taking care of her and put into an angry rage for the next few weeks until she passed away. Than my grieving process began and it was much rougher than I expected; owever, I became closer to some of my cousins and felt a major sense of relief. I could now be around my family without my grandmother being there to make me upset.
December - I enjoyed more family events than I ever have in my entire life; and for the most part I enjoyed them! I participated in Christmas festivities as I decorated my apartment, sent cards to the biological family, and even bought presents for the adopted family (all firsts for me).

This Decade in Brutally Honest Review:

2000 began with worrying about the Y2K and me transferring schools while dealing with typical teenage apathy. 9/11 happened and the world changed dramatically, maybe because I was just becoming conscience of the world around me, but I think a lot of people would agree that life changed. It was also the same time that I lost my grandfather and dealt with a deep depression. I went through unhealthy addictions and lost most ambition towards life until I transferred back to DeKalb in 2002. In 2003 I was baptized and became so unvolved with my church that I finally found a little break in my life. In 2004 I was proposed to for the first time and in 2005 I graduated. The same day I graduated I drove past my biological family and opened a new door. Little did I understand how much they would affect my life for the next year! I ended up transferring home to my parent's house and worked at Brewdaily's and ProFed. I loved my job as a bank teller, but not the drama of working with all women. In 2006 I was proposed to again, but that was pretty much the worse irrational decision ever made; good thing it didn't work out. In 2007 I turned 21 and started to enjoy life a little too much, but I grew up and learned a lot about myself. 2008 was rather uneventful except that I decided that it wasn't worth working in a bad environment if it was compromising who I was, so I took a stand for myself and quit my job and began the life of unsteady employment.

This past decade definitely influenced who I am today and was a definite rollercoaster ride to find myself and this past year was full of surprises, disappearances, and firsts to say the least. So here is 2010... Please be gentler with me and give me a year of goodness and positive change. Be a year where I can be all that God intended for me and allow me to be a positive light in the life of others instead of dwelling in my own emotions. 2010, please just be a better year for me, ok?

God in the Alley

2009-12-03T22:31:00.001-05:00

Growing up in the church made me know the basics of being a Christian but as I have gotten older my views and opinions of the fundamentals has changed. I have always heard “He came among the poor, not the rich; dwelt with the weak, not the powerful; made himself of no reputation rather than seeking the famous.” Finally Greg Paul put my next thoughts into words: “And he lived and died in submission to our rules and regulations while never being subverted by them.”

I have been told that I am too tolerant, I work too hard to justify certain actions, and I am too worldly, but these statements always have bothered me. I felt like people would be taking away a big part of me if they took those things away from me. Maybe seeing past people’s flaws is part of my childlike innocence that I never lost and I am more than okay with that!

God is love, God wants us to love ourselves, and God wants us to love our neighbors. Not just my fellow church going neighbors but everyone. What if my neighbor is a recovering addict? Have they lost the chance of being shown love despite their past? Jesus walked among them, in their world, so is it so bad if I do the same thing? Would it be better for me to sit back and judge their actions or to walk next to them and learn what their world is like? One could turn them away from Christianity forever and the other could save them for eternity.

Greg Paul also said “I discover a new challenge: to be sent, not just to the streets, but beyond the internal barriers I have erected to protect myself.” What if my neighbor is homeless? I don’t know what has put them on the street and does it really matter? I might get taken advantage of and walked all over but maybe that’s a good thing. That is what I have done to my Father who has wanted nothing but the best for me all along. I do not want internal barriers and walls to keep me from the truth of the broken community around me.

If I became hard hearted and strict about my faith and expect others around me to live up to it am I really doing anyone (including myself) any good? Can I really live in this world just like Jesus did and make an impact on the broken people around me? If I sit and wonder am I just wasting time and procrastinating from the inevitable? If I jump in without weighing all the possibilities will I mess up the work God might already be doing? Is love strong enough, in all situations, that these questions do not even matter? Mother Teresa once said "Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired."

I long to live and die to the submission of rules and regulations while never being corrupted by them.

My Next Step

2009-12-02T19:55:00.001-05:00

Now that I am moving forward I have been spending lots of time trying to figure out what that means

1) School – Next semester I am hitting the books and studying human services. It is time to get a degree and education so I can do what I love.

2) Family – I want to spend Christmas with my mom’s side of the family. Maybe it would boost my holiday spirits but I just long for change and closeness within my cousins, aunts, and uncles. I also am going to send my biological family Christmas cards. Not that they will say anything significant but just putting out the fact that I think of them.

3) Job – Time to start looking! I need a positive outlet in my life and it is time to find the ambition to find a way to improve my financial life. I also need to find a new community of people, even if it is in the professional world, because I am getting to wrapped up in me and I need to remember there are other people out there.

4) Church – I need to find a ministry that I love again, not that I have fallen out of love with youth, but I have not had my heart in it lately. I need to find my heartbeat and smile again. I also need to open His Word up again. I have forgotten the love I use to have for being a part of the church and it is probably because I have forgotten the love I had for Him. Time to refocus and remember.

5) Extracurriculars – I need to stop drinking, watching TV, and Farmville; or at least limit these activities drastically. I have been my only focus and that needs to change immediately. I need to find a new ministry that I want to get up and go to in the morning or that I will want to set time out of my day to participate in. I want to find my love for people again and forget myself for awhile.

Time for a change and I am excited. Here is to hoping my next step was better than the last.

The Time Everything Changed

2009-12-01T19:47:00.000-05:00

Too much of life is spent in the past, especially mine. I can look back at some events and identify that in a particular situation life as I knew it ended. What I have never been able to do until now is identify in the moment that life has changed.

Letting go of Ma was what I always wanted to do and now that she is gone I have been very confused about the euphoria of happiness, relief, and freedom that has passed over me. I feel incredibly guilty that as my family’s heart is breaking mine is healing. I now want to be around my family. I use to feel like I had this big secret to keep hidden and to be around people would make me accidentally slip some day. I use to get so angry and bitter at family functions because Ma was there pretending like nothing ever happened and life was great.

I am now free from those two emotions that had me enslaved for too long. I am now longing to be around my extended family. I even drove an hour Saturday just to hang out with my cousin and his wife; for the first time ever we had great conversation and I was sad when the night ended.

This is when everything in my life changed and I was set free from the past.

Repetitive ramblings that are suppose to make me feel better

2009-11-25T11:24:00.001-05:00

It actually happened. Not that I really believed that my grandma died and as morbid as it sounds I still thought I heard her talking as if it was all just another scene. Then I watched her be wheeled out in a zipped up body bag. It is now the end of a brutal chapter.

I thought I would feel better about this. I figured everyone else would have their moments and I would be the one they thought was soulless because I wouldn’t even be able to shed a tear, but that has not been the case.

I watched my cousins be told last night and as they came across the room and hugged me and wouldn’t let go I thought I would be the strong one. I thought I would finally feel safe and as if I would not have to protect them and hide them behind me anymore.

I have been saying for years that I just wish she would die. I wanted to burn down her house that she no longer lives in. I was hoping that they would help me forget and move on and feel better. But nothing works. I still feel awful and am drowning myself in coping mechanisms that only allow relief for the night. Is anything going to make this all go away?

My grandma called me a liar and told me that I made everything up and that she did not do anything. As angry as I was for her denying my feelings and memories I really wish I could. Was that what she was trying to do? Was she in her death bed years ago trying to help me let her go by trying to make me think it never happened?

My grandfather sought out for redemption in his final days as this big monster with walls higher than China sat down and told me that he was proud of me for something (wish I could remember) and then cried and hugged me and apologized. Thinking about it just makes me tear up. I wanted to bury the past with him and blame him but knew he was different and I was just content. I no longer understood or could explain and I was ok with that.

I wish I felt content about this. I wanted to make peace years ago with her but she just did not allow it. And now on Friday we will bury her, bury emotions, and bury memories. I hope.

Finished Business?

2009-11-24T17:53:00.002-05:00

Almost two years ago I wrote about my rocky past involving my grandparents and all of the anger I have felt from that situation (titled “Unfinished Business”). I also wrote about how I was unsure if I wanted to confront the issue and speak my peace. To continue those thoughts I marched into my grandmother’s hospital room that night and told her that I remembered and she told me I was a liar. She told me that I made it all up and that the bruises were fictitious discoloring of the skin. If only I knew I had that great of an imagination all along!

I told her she could try to convince me into forgetting and pretending like it would never happen but that she could not erase the recent events of her mistreating my mother. I told her she would never talk to my mother like that again or lay a hand on anyone in my life. She told me I was being absurd. Then other family members walked in and I walked out of that room and out of her life.

I said what I wanted to but it didn’t matter. It did not make a difference in my life or with my feelings. It did not change our relationship and I just kept on ignoring her until two weeks ago today.

It was a Tuesday afternoon and I got a phone call from my mom asking me to go to the emergency room because my grandmother was being taken there by EMS. She just asked me to see if she was being transported to Fort Wayne so my mom would not have to drive her for nothing so I reluctantly agreed for my mom’s sake. When I got there they did not know if she was going to stay all night or not and I suddenly realized I was going to have to spend the entire night in her room waiting for news. My aunt said she was too tired to stay, my cousin had to get home to her kids, and my mom was sick and not allowed in the hospital because of the swine flu.

I stayed and was civil, but maintained surface level conversation and avoided all eye contact (even though she is blind it made me feel better that I stayed distant). I cancelled all my plans and ended up with her all night and taking her home until my aunt got home to take care of her. The next day was her 76th birthday and I even went to lunch with her and my family. She suddenly felt better just like the other dozen times she had seemed to fake near death experiences.

My mom applauded me for helping out but she knew it caused a lot of turmoil for me. I did not like taking care of her. Who would like to take care of a person who denies you your right of emotions and life changing memories? I was the most angry and hateful that I have been in years. I even pushed my cousin down and cursed at her when she tried to hug me.

Since then my grandma had been hospitalized and put in the nursing home for a 30 day recovery process in which my parents would ask me to come visit and I continually said no. I wouldn’t even make up excuses anymore, I just said no. Even Saturday night my parents asked me to come to the nursing home just so I could make dinner plans with them there than leave to go eat and I would not even do that. I wanted nothing to do with her.

Yesterday my mom came over and I could see the concern and hurt in her eyes. She even asked the staff at the nursing home if my grandmother was going through the dying process and they looked shock that she would even ask and told her no. But this was a new look in my mother’s eyes.

Generally I am awful at answering my phone, I just don’t like to, but yesterday I answered every phone call from everyone in my family. Even if I knew I barely had reception I answered it. I just had this feeling that at any moment someone would be calling me and telling me that my grandma had passed on. I don’t know why I had this feeling and I was really apathetic about it honestly, but that is what I thought every time. But every time it was about something else.

Until this morning.

My grandmother passed away. Like really passed away. Jokes are over. And it really happened. I had to go see with my own eyes, and even when I walked within a few feet of her to grab a Kleenex I swore I heard her talk. I thought it was just another game. She is more strong willed and stubborn than me so I just could not believe it. Then I saw her wrapped up and carried out in a zipped up body bag.

So what do I do now? I talked previously about how I buried a lot of pain with my grandfather and blamed him for everything until she proved to me that she was not blameless what so ever. Is it really over though? Can my guard really go down now? Is it safe to live fearless of her hurting me again?

I honestly have been hoping she would just die. For years now that was what I wanted because I could not see her without being immediately angry and mad. I didn’t want to deal with the continual emotions of wondering if she would make it through this sickness or this hospital visit. I thought I would feel better when I got the call that she was really gone. I thought I would feel relief. But I don’t.

I tried to make peace though, I wanted to forgive her, and even at one point I was mad at my mom for not letting my grandmother live with us and for putting her in a nursing home temporarily. None of those mattered because she wouldn’t accept that. Even my grandfather apologized the summer before he died as he cried and hugged me. She couldn’t even do that.

So why do I care? Why am I sitting at Starbucks looking like a fool crying about this? Why wasn’t this a good life changing moment in my life? Why did she die in the room that coincidentally is my lucky number? How do I move on? Can I really forget and move on now? Will I ever get a single answer to any of these questions?

Sometimes I Doubt God

2009-11-15T23:13:00.000-05:00

This statement should not come as a surprise because 1) I am human and 2) if you have read any of my previous blogs or talked to me once it has probably came up. Today this was also the title of the sermon at church where our worship pastor got in front of the entire congregation and talked about confessions of a pastor.

He talked about how church is the place for those who doubt God and where we should come with our struggles, our addictions, and our reasons on why we hate God because it is the safe place to be. I use to believe that. Now I go to church and avoid eye contact with particular people who make my presence or the presence of my family seem like a bother. I am suppose to go to the people sitting around me in the auditorium when I am just unsure about life and need a little confidence booster. I am suppose to go to the same people who also sit there and say that my family and I are not good enough to even be sitting there because we have sinned. Maybe I should just carry around stones so they can throw them because the people I meet outside of church would not do that, they have sinned just like me. Perfect people are only in the church I guess.

How am I not supposed to doubt God and the church when this is all I can think about when I am sitting next to these hypocrites? I know this is not what my pastor wants and I saw his wife cry today at the mention of how I feel when I walk in those doors. Will it ever change though?
Sometimes I doubt God more because life just sucks for me most days. I can’t make it through even a Hallmark movie as I sit and wish that my life could turn out like that, or that my past could have been as blessed as some. Sometimes, ok most of the time, I doubt God because he would not have created a life like the one I see in the mirror.

I look in the mirror and I don’t see a lot. I see a lot of potential, but the potential is bruised, maimed, and hidden because life just isn’t what I expected. That is the definition of doubt anyways. No one doubts what they want to see, they only doubt when their expectations go unmet.

Two weeks ago I got my first birthday cake and presents since I was in single digits. Last night I watched an incredibly proud father not even able to keep in his excitement and joy when listening to his son’s cd because of how amazing it was. Today I watched a lady try to offer me food and money and a hug as I sat there and cried.

Isn’t my family supposed to do those things? Aren’t my parents suppose to tell me when I do something good and that they are proud of? Or wish me happy birthday? Or give me a sandwich when I am hungry?

I watch my friend as he has been changing and is becoming more and more like the man he wants to be and I cannot help but be jealous. When can I reach that moment where I can no longer doubt but be able to see the change in my life and the beautiful moments even amidst the ugly?

The party life has sucked me in. It lives up to its expectations. I go home feeling important because I had friends around all night, they may not remember my name in the morning but at least they remembered for awhile. I wake up feeling awful and going through my day and return to it at night where it greets me with open arms and temporarily lets me forget about the bruises, the maiming, and the hidden topics.

I don’t want that and I know that the potential God has put in me is much more than that. But sometimes I doubt God honestly because I need some earthly representation that is gonna step up and not try to make up and rub in the fact that I have had some absent people in my life. And sometimes I doubt God because I know I am gonna have to face the facts, mend some wounds, and try and pretend like things in the past didn’t happen so I can genuinely love without being extravagant or becoming tired and weary.

I'm Scared

2009-10-16T01:23:00.002-04:00

I just got done watching The Proposal and while it was an awful movie that I never want to watch again Sandra Bullock said 2 words that I have not been bold enough to say. I'm scared.

I'm scared of a lot of things and insecurity could possibly be my middle name but the thing that scares me the most is trusting someone. I have tried to trust lots of people, from people at church, to strangers I meet, to family, to friends, to a man I thought I was going to marry; and most of them failed me. My expectations were to high and I hoped that by me trusting them I would feel better myself and that never happened.

Expectations is an awful word. Chad has been talking about expectations in youth group to the point where I realized a lot about myself that I did not like. Everyone has expectations for me and I cannot live up to any of them so my answer has been to only half do everything. There is nothing that I really really love to do with all my heart or that I invest in because those that I have tried to trust have just tore me down since I did not do what they expected.

These 2 realizations this week have not been easy for me and has challenged me to think about many life decisions. I am a lot like the Sandra in the movie where I take the easy path anymore because I am too scared for anything else. I am too scared to be hurt and to feel any more heartache for awhile because I honestly just don't think it can handle it. I have thrown expectations out the window and cut out a lot of people whose expectations I will never fulfill. But now I need to fill that hole with something new because I have never done this before.

I want to be confident in myself and know that I have gotten to the place I am because of me; however, I do not want to be so scared that I pass on amazing opportunities and people who can change my life for the better. I want to be able to trust without expectations but hope that this time will be different and that I will no longer need to earn a spot in a person's life and risk losing it for something/someone I can never truly, whole-heartedly be.

Home is where the Heart is?

2009-10-14T11:06:00.000-04:00

I have been wanting to write for awhile but finding the right words are not always easy for me. Since coming back from my summer adventures life has hit hard and I wish I could run away yet again.

I now have my own place in Auburn, which has been nice but the constant struggles and reminders that I am truly on my own has been quite the burdon. From car insurance battles to school battles I just want to be done fighting because I just cannot win and I don't know how much more I can take right now.

I am now an aunt, not that I have got to meet Marissa but I do keep up with pictures. As much as I want to be upset with the situation I cannot be because I have pushed my family far enough away that I cannot blame them. I have had every chance to go and deal with this situation but actually confronting it scares me too much to actually consider going through with it. Hopefully I will get to meet Marissa someday and she will grow up knowing that I want to be there for her in ways my family was never there for me.

When I came back from Open Door I was ready to help and volunteer again; but of course, that has changed as well. I signed myself up for everything and now I have dropped out of everything. It is so much easier to help people who know nothing about your life. What is it that makes people think that if you volunteer together that you have a right to comment on every aspect of other people's lives? Maybe that was a drastic comment. I have been nothing but criticized for all the bad decisions I have made and honestly, I feel bad enough that I do not need reminded by people who hear rumors and never ask for the true story but can give their opinions anyways. My heart ached as Atlanta flooded just a few weeks ago. I wanted to be there and I wanted to help in any way I could but I knew it was not possible and being stuck states away made me feel entirely hopeless. I wish I can find a place around Auburn again that makes my heart beat and gives me that sort of passion again.

Living on my own has been nothing but a constant reminder that I am alone. Which a year ago I would have been happy with because I never saw myself getting married or starting a family; however, now that I have had my mindset changed and thought that I was going to be married by now I cannot help but feel like every task is just awful. I would love to have help paying the bills, carrying laundry all over the place to be able to wash it, taking the trash out, and even just the simple task of watching TV together. I hope that I can get a grasp of my independence back and not stay in this mindset, but it has been a challenging one to face.

I have always rolled my eyes at the "Home is where the heart is" saying but I think I have learned the importance of it. I hope I find my heart soon and restore it back to the joy it once felt.

The Last Supper

2009-08-12T18:26:00.000-04:00

This morning I got to watch the process in which they give out tickets for the soup kitchen and sandwiches. I sat on the porch and saw the line that went all the way down the steps and around the corner. The tickets were supposed to be handed out at 8:30 this morning but because Gladys was not content with how the line looked they got handed out late. A woman who caused me to turn my head quite a few times yesterday was the very first in line today and I watched her practically have sex with the man in line behind her. I hope that she did not do that just to get in front of the line. Others looked confused as to why Gladys would not pass out the tickets but again the language barrier got in the way. The Latinos were not single file but in rows of 3 and they would not move.

Rumors have been flying around all morning about James. Tony has already forgotten him and refuses to be around a conversation about James. James Walker said he saw it coming because he talked too much and did too little. Darryl said he was kicked out of the house because he had $20 that the partners had found and he would not give it to them. Johnathon, his pastoral friend, confirmed the later rumor. I hope James is ok and can make it back to New Orleans, his clean haven.

During the soup kitchen I saw myself and or fellow friend being served. She was a white, 20 year old who was gorgeous! She looked just like all my friends pretty much do and I just did not understand why she was there. It definitely made me become less stereotypical since a lot of us are only one or two paychecks away from being homeless ourselves. The stereotype of mostly black men being homeless is being shattered as Latino men are entering the scene along with white business men and white women. I can never look at a person walking down the street and assume if they are homeless or not. I have seen the hottest, nicest dressed man sleeping on cardboard outside my window and the scummiest, nastiest, smelliest man eating at the nice restaurant across the street.

With the breaking of stereotypes comes racial tension. Volunteers who work the yard see the cliques and can even feel the tension. I watched it 1st hand as I was serving soup at the soup kitchen and a black man and a Latino man exchanged tense words and looks. I had to turn to a man to keep his eyes on them to make sure it would not turn violent because it probably would have caused more people to fight than just those two.

It is said that if you want to know what society is going to look like in a couple years you need to look to the prisons now. Lately prisons in California have been erupting with riots between the Latinos and the Blacks. The work force is not helping as they continually keep putting the two groups against each other, adding to the animosity. Black men are finally receiving work and feeling more than just slaves in society but are told by unemployment agencies that the Latinos are taking their jobs which is causing the Blacks to stand up for themselves yet again. Racism is a never ending battle in a mixing pot.

Our Bible Study of the day was about John the Baptist. We talked about how he stood up to his convictions and kept telling Herod how he should not have married his brother’s wife; however, in the end it cost him his life. Marvin, an ex-pastor and current protestor for social justice, shared his story. In the last minutes before an execution on death row Marvin pleaded and begged the officers to let him die instead. I do not think I could give my life for a man on death row who had been convicted of murdering countless people, but Marvin is a man true to all convictions that death row is really just the taxpayers of Georgia murdering a man.

Johnathon is a 29 year old graduate who came to the house to volunteer while he was in college. He comes from your typical family but he is the only one in his family who thrives on social justice. He came and has never left because the smiles on people’s faces keep him going every day, but is sad that same day he might have to get a “real job” to appease his parents.

I always wondered what the neighbors thought as they walked out their back doors to go to work every morning and would see men standing all around; I got my answer today. The doorbell rang and a young musician named Deedee came to the door. She just moved in and her bedroom window peaked into our dining room and she could not help but want to get involved right away. Her roommate was nervous about moving in next to a shelter but she cannot wait to get involved. I am so glad that not all the neighbors are moving in to just try and get them to move out like I have heard that some have done in the past.

When in our dinner circle they announced it was my last supper and my eyes immediately teared up. I had done well up to this point but when it was stated out loud I did not want to think about leaving. I had grown to love these residents and our homeless friends and relationships were just starting to build; I was not ready to go. I sat with Tony and we laughed at our good times and when we told the med students at the table that we had just met a few days before they were shocked at how good our connection was after such a short time; however, these med students started to not care and dominate the conversation with their kind of community talk. Tony and I may not have known what our favorite organ system was or our favorite gland but we sure got a laugh out of seeing that it dominated their conversation and was the cause to their controversy. I guess some students did not get along because they disagreed on their organ systems. Who knew?

We tore down the dining room fast and transformed it into a foot clinic and I watched as our homeless friends lined up to be pampered for awhile. The guys were grossing me out about it all afternoon and telling me stories that made me decide not to participate but I still stayed and helped clean up the equipment so I could keep talking to my new found friends.

When it was time to go I tried to find Tony to say goodbye but Ira caught me first. He started to come over and give me a hug and I asked him not to because he was going to make me cry but he did anyways and the tears flowed. I hurried up and passed off the key to the person in house duty and walked out.

These people have caused me to think more, work harder, and love with all my heart in ways I just did not know existed. I cannot wait to go back and stay longer!!!

A Beautiful ugly Eye Opener

2009-08-11T17:41:00.000-04:00

I woke up early again to prepare sandwiches with Tony. He is a very intimidating man to me so I normally keep to myself around him, but not today. He told me that he does not have a sob story but that he just dropped out of society. At 64 he can honestly tell you that he loves what he does, even though he only makes $46 a month. (He made the best soup for the soup kitchen that I have EVER had in my life!) He talked a lot about the morbid social workers who come into the house because they want to hear about the abuse, drugs, crimes, and alcohol; but Tony has none of these. Now he is my 5’ 18” friend who I would not replace with no one! He even told someone that I adopted him as my dad.

While talking someone came in and asked why there were policemen and an ambulance outside, we looked but could not tell what was going on so we went back to work. Later that day many of us got in trouble for not getting whoever was on house duty because they promise to be a buffer between the homeless and the police. Last summer in the yard a homeless man was arrested as he told police officers to stop stomping on a handicap man who just laid there unable to move. No wonder Winston calls them the city pigs! The man they took away could not breathe, most likely for the hot temperatures and unfortunately that happens a lot.

James Walker is an ex-Navy Seal who comes to the house every day to serve. He is about as real and authentic of a man I will probably ever see again. He aims to please and pays attention to everyone’s needs in the yard and in the dining room. He has been doing this for 20 years and use to live in the house and he still continues to leave everyday with a big smile on his face.

Yesterday I served with James Walker but today I got the not fun task of handing out vitamins; however, it allowed me to see more of the process before people get to eat. I did have another angry moment today though. While handing out vitamins a Spanish speaking man came to me and pointed at his shoes. I could not understand a word but I let him take a breath from talking and said one moment. I looked up to see a very, very angry partner who scolded me. He told me it was not my job to do anything and that I needed to stop. I just wanted to treat this man like a human being and try and listen than point him to someone who could help, but I guess the vitamin person is not allowed to have a soul or compassion what so ever and is just suppose to push the person away from their presence.

The Bible Study today was over how we interpret the Good Samaritan and while I did not understand a single point the speaker was trying to get across I was touched by many responses; Ira’s response in particular. He is a very shy, serious man but when he laughs, he sure laughs! Ed asked Ira “how did you feel when you did not have a mailing address” and Ira said “I felt like a nobody, but since coming here I feel like somebody”. That should be Open Door’s new motto. Ira takes care of special needs such as making sure the men shower, giving them new pants, and new shoes. He holds this job with pride and is constantly working to keep things stocked up so he is ready to help at any moment.

I spent time today cleaning the public bathrooms and cleaning the basement until dinner time. I got to cook with Tony and he is the best cook I have ever met. We had lots of laughs in the kitchen, normally at my expense because I would say dumb things, and a lot of talk about fake scenerios and how we would react. At one point I was Jane Doe, Senator of Alaska, proabortion, and liar. Not that I remember why but I sure did learn a lot from him. Later as we blessed the meal Tony decided that I could not leave so he told everyone I cooked and that Hyundai’s are suppose to die tomorrow (blue ones too, ironically). I sure am going to miss Tony and Ira who decided to join in on the fun for the rest of my stay.

I snuck away for a few hours over to Angelo and Marie’s apartment for some down time and when I came back Tony was waiting outside for me to make sure I was safe. I walked in to sign back in and saw a note that said “James left the community Tuesday night”. I ran to Calvin and asked him if it was just for tonight and he said forever. This crushed my night. James was here to heal but once he walked to a familiar place he gave in and went back to life on the street. Just today he talked about how awful he felt about not having a mailbox and how he was ready to heal and now he is gone. I am going to miss him giving me encouraging words and singing to me! Make sure to check out the videos I made of him though! I hope and pray that he is doing ok out on the streets tonight!

In a daze I walked to the basement and saw Darryl doing laundry. I asked him about the James situation and Darryl talked more than I have heard from him my whole stay. He told me what he would change and his irritations with the house and they all seemed legitimate, but just when I thought he was sane this 41 year old started telling me about this book he owns. It was copyrighted in 2077 and was written by the federal government. It talks about how Armageddon is going to be in 2077 and what the government is going to do about it. (Let’s just say you will need $650,000,000,000 to survive but only $450,000,000,000 if you buy now) He told me that the front page says you will be arrested for life if found with this book so he keeps it hidden; but since his friend fount it in a Marshall’s evicted house it is definitely legit. I hope Darryl keeps talking more tomorrow!

Hey, Indiana!

2009-08-10T17:05:00.000-04:00

When I woke up this morning it was like the house came alive! There were men lined up to take showers, residents making brunch for the homeless and at least 200 people on the yard and surrounding the house. I sacked lunches to hand out and set up the dining room until Bible Study, but once Bible Study was over we opened the doors and people flooded in.

I was on service duty so my job was to clean up the spot and prepare it for the next person. I tried to smile and greet the men and women as I cleaned but I did not expect to become a crowd favorite. No matter how far away or how close I was to the tables I had people yelling my name to the tune of “Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!” They all wanted to know about me which was funny because I only wanted to know about them. Tony even asked me how long I would be here so we could talk more later and another man offered me a raise! It was so fun but such hard work!

James was my 1st new friend this morning. Once he knew I was from Indiana he could not stop talking about the Jackson 5 and singing me their songs. He even nicknamed me Indiana. James is 53, from New Orleans, and has only been here for a week but he sure loves the Lord. His mother had 18 kids and so he was taken from her at the age of 2 and was placed with a great foster family. He told me that he had tried everything (primarily cocaine) growing up except Jesus and that once he did he decided to do it with all his heart. He even use to be a musician in many clubs and supposedly was the best athlete in New Orleans but gave it all up to preach. His Bible knowledge would pput most pastors to shame! He came to the house to heal because he said he would rather die in Atlanta than go back to his friends and family a drugged up mess.

Bernard was my brunch serving pal. He does not live in the house but has a heart of gold. He volunteers almost every day and also serves at his church because he just wants to help people. As we laughed and picked fun at each other all morning I could not help but smile, especially as he kept stealing the sausages he was serving. I think 6 for the people 1 for him was the philosophy.

Watching the homeless serve the homeless is such a humbling experience. Plus, just because they might be in the shelter now does not mean that they stop looking out for their friends on the street. They know everyone by name and treat each other with more respect then we often treat our fellow Christians at church. There is so much to learn from them!

I spent the afternoon organizing and sorting donations of clothes and wow were they pathetic! We discussed at lunch how we eat what we feed the homeless. If we won’t eat it they should not have to but it also causes us to strive to make the best food with the best ingredients. The same lesson should be applied to clothes. Please stop giving away tattered, work out, stained, smelly, yellow armpit clothes! They do not want them and they do not deserve our leftovers and trash. They should be looked at as our friends because that what they are and Jesus does not look at them any differently so why can we?

At CIY I picked up a book called Red Letters where it talked about 2 monasteries that were about to close since the leaders were close to death and no new people had joined in quite some time. The two priests got together one day and one of them asked what their last words would be to keep the monastery open and he said “the Messiah lives within the walls”. This changed their whole attitude as they started looking for Jesus’ in the eyes of other monks and their whole dynamic changed because of it. Here they kind of do the same. They talk about how they saw Jesus’ face in these men and women they let shower and in the 300 served and etc. It sure gives everyone a better appreciation for others when looked at with such high regard!

Ann and I did dishes and from her love story to her life as a seminary student she is simply stunning. I saw her the night before at the worship service and loved her energy and joy of life that was so evident in even the way she walked. She grew up with an alcoholic father and turned to the party scene herself and found herself married and with child by her junior year of high school. She attributed her young looks with the fact that she found peace in her past and joy in her every day. I hope to be like Ann someday!

I might have found my next stop. While making dinner with Nelia she told me how her and her husband Calvin had built a community in Evansville, Indiana. It helps with children in the extended community and incorporates tons of art. Perfect!

It is time to take a break from depressing economic news because people are still donating in large numbers. While cooking dinner someone walked in with left over BBQ and apple cobbler! Also the sandwiches we bag up and hand out had been made by outsiders. I hope they realize how much they help! Our dinner tonight included a smorgasbord of options since they were donated from a restaurant in town who decided to not throw away leftovers but give them to us. Since we only eat what we would serve we do not eat sweets and boy was it hard watching squares of pound cake being tossed out! We also do not eat meat unless it is donated, and even then it will most likely go in the soup for soup kitchen on Wednesday.

Johnathon also brought attention to a petition letter he had created and he asked for all of us to sign it. It was in regards to a soldier who was imprisoned for not going to Afghanistan. I understand they are peace loving people who sent words of encouragement to the soldier for making a stand and petitions to the jail to release him; however, why are we getting involved when the soldier knew before he signed in that it was a risk? I did not sign it.

I got to be involved in the community meeting and it cracked me up. Many hours worth of conversation just to get everything on the table can immediately turn uncomfortable if you let it. They discussed who was not allowed on the property anymore and for how long, who spends to much time on the internet, who is using the “love line” (aka Telephone), who is not talking to each other, and who drives too fast. I know it is necessary but watching people squirm and tattle tale during the meeting was just funny!

Open Door... Closed Door?

2009-08-09T16:33:00.000-04:00

After driving around the block over and over again I finally found Open Door. I walked into the yard to be greeted by a 74 year old, diabetic, schizophrenic, chain smoking lady named Barbara. She has been homeless for at least 15 years and has been at Open Door for the past 4 years. Barbara is a celebrity around here. Everyone knows her and you cannot help but to jump and do whatever she asks as she is clicking her dentures.

From there Gladys gave me a tour of this incredible house. From the front it looks like your typical downtown brick house but once you walk in you see 64 rooms. I got my own room in the basement called the Dorothy Day room and it is bigger and more colorful then my dorm room ever was!

The halls are full of art that people in the house have made. From activist posters to protesting comic strips to painted canvas to photography that should be in a museum anyone can appreciate the talent radiating from the house. Once my tour was over a couple from an intentional community in Des Moines, Iowa, arrived and it was my turn to give a tour. It was quite a pathetic one since I could not even remember where anything was.

We than had worship time where they put a new meaning to bring whatever you have to worship. We sang folk songs and poetry and a man played the banjo, clarinet, and bass guitar. The message was about remembering the 64th anniversary of when atomic bombs were dropped at Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Than partners of the community came forward and shared how many times they had been arrested for protesting atomic bombs. (The next day we even prayed for the people arrested for protesting bombs at Washington DC while we were in our worship service) They are very passionate people in their stances and will go to any means to defend them. I did not know about the results from the bombs and how they are still affecting many; however, I loved the story about the little girl who made origami peace cranes the most.

Afterwards we all shared a meal of rice, beans and salsa (a new favorite) and enjoyed each other’s company. I ended up talking to Nathan the whole meal and as he told me about his crazy life and repeated everything I said I quickly realized he was handicap. Nathan does not live in the house but he stops in for worship so he can eat. He has big dreams of going to Chicago someday because he wants to stand in line to get a ticket to see Oprah. He really doesn’t want to see Oprah though; he just wants the free car she gives away just for having a ticket. I cannot wait to be able to see him again when he makes the show.

While people were finishing eating I saw Winston sneak out to the yard to smoke, so I followed. (Later I found out that he has a bad memory because we had the same conversation every day I was there) He told me all about “urban camping” and where the “city pigs” will bust you for it and how I am the right race to smoke rock and get away with it. I think Winston and I are going to get along great!

While Winston and I were talking this man approached me from the street and asked if we could talk in private. We took a few steps and he began to ask for help with this lady at the bottom of the steps. Sorry to be graphic but it was apparent that she did not have access to feminine products or a restroom as her jeans were soaked in blood and as she was bent over with awful cramps. He asked me if I could help her and since I did not know the house rules I went and asked Kevin, the man on house duty. He then told me with sternness that there was nothing he would do.

I watched leftovers from worship being tossed out, water running from the sick, and saw piles of jeans at the door and this man is telling me that there is nothing we can do? I was so upset and angry!

I asked what size pants she wore and I was pushed out of the way and Kevin refused to help because she showed up at the wrong time. How is it her fault that Mother Nature showed up at an inconvenient time at “Open Door”?

All I wanted to do was give her a pair of my pants or shorts but that was not even allowed. As these “urban campers”/friends walked away they shouted “I’m glad we are not going to have to deal with God some day for turning people away”. Even as they turned the corner they asked how we could be Christians. I wondered the same thing.

Kevin walked over to me and said that they cannot help except for certain scheduled times because otherwise they would be asked for help 24 hours a day. Really people? Why can’t everyone take turns or have someone for 3rd shift who could be available in desperate or embarrassing situations? All I was allowed to do was sit there and be helpless even though I had 2 available hands to work and a heart ready to serve. At last, I could do nothing because it was bad timing and everyone left the yard and went back in to finish eating.

Now it is 8:30 at night and all lights in the house are off and everyone is in bed, but I cannot sleep. Not just because I am a night owl, because I cannot get this lady off my mind, the sick feeling out of my stomach, and the anger out of my heart. Tomorrow better not come with a similar experience.

From Poles to Pews!

2009-08-09T14:14:00.001-04:00

I haven’t had many updates the past week so let me do a quick recap… I have spent the last week in Rossville, Georgia, with Jay, Jen, Landen, Anna, and Addison Shankle. They have been awesome hosts and just fun to be around, especially as the kids have given me countless laughs. I posted a video of Anna singing to Taylor Swift, and it turned into what 4 minutes is like at the Shankle household. It might look staged, but I guarantee Landen hates girly music that much and would have that reaction every single time we would play Taylor Swift. And Anna is one of the funniest, genuine girls I might have ever met. From asking why a lady would wear sneakers with a skirt to telling me “I’m gonna screw you” after her first day of Kindergarten she has given me countless laughs! I have also had a great time with Jen as we sit in the same room and Facebook each other and compete in Farmville. But today I left for Atlanta.

I have heard of North Pointe church and some of the conferences they have held so when I googled them and saw that it was only 15 minutes from where I will be spending the next 3 days I decided I should check it out. I got directions and left this morning; however, when I got out of my car I thought the church looked a little small for a megachurch. Sure enough, it was the wrong church! The lady who welcomed me told me that they get that all the time because for some reason North Pointe has the wrong address on their website so she asked if I would like directions to be able to go there but I decided to stay.

I’m not sure if there is such thing as a perfect church in a sinful world, but this is what my mind has pictured a perfect church as for many years. I loved this church! I walked in and was immediately welcomed and never felt a moment of awkwardness. When I walked into the worship center I was immediately intrigued because it was very simple. Finally, a church that doesn’t go for the glitters of new technology and the perfection of up to date style! I sat in a fold out chair and was immediately talked to by an older man, that later I found out was the pastor; he left that detail out while we were talking. People sat all around me in this center that could have fit a few hundred chairs but only had maybe one hundred. The worship had awful sound equipment, which again, I loved. I got into the worship and enjoyed it more than any other church service because they were not running around trying to find the perfect sound. They allowed the hollow center to eat up most of the sound and so you could not even be embarrassed that you can’t sing a single note because you can’t even hear the person next to you. Worship was not about the band, because you could barely hear them, it was about authentic time with you and your creator. During one of the songs they had communion and offering but it was not passed to you, you would get up and put it in the respected areas, kinda like a prayer walk. I felt a lot less awkward visiting because I did not have to walk around to do that because you did it at your own pace and I did not have to worry about the man next to me wondering why I just passed the plate without putting offering in. Hooray for low pressure but genuine praise.

The message also hit the spot, of course, as it was all about community. The pastor, which I had previously met, told stories that anyone could understand but it did not make the “mature” Christians feel like the message was sugar coated, they were definitely challenged equally. The message started with a group project and I sat there terrified that I was going to feel like the kid in gym class that wants to be picked but just sits there and hopes someone makes eye contact with them and that they are not the last one to find a team. This was not the case at all. I was picked before I could even look around the room and so I looked around the room to see if I just got lucky, but no, this is how the church operates. Everyone had a group immediately and it was as if they had all known each other for years. These groups also were interesting to me because they were not divided into wealthy or poor, young or old, white or not, etc. One group had a cool biker chick next to a homeless man next to an Asian teenager next to a grandpa with suspenders next to an emo newlywed couple and so on. Hooray for losing boundaries within a church!

As I walked out the church I felt so confident that I was meant to be there. They talked about how community would be easy if it didn’t involve people (sound familiar Chad?). And how people hesitated going into communities of people because of disappointment, divorce, and death. How true is that? When bad things happen in my life I tend to shut people out because people tend to disappoint me, or divorce/leave me, or die; however, that should not make a difference on how we live and cause us to live a life of seclusion. We need to keep giving community a chance despite hurts.

Before I left I talked to the worship pastor and a few others who gave me directions to a cool coffee shop and asked all about what I was doing. They were interested in me! Not just “hi, glad you came, bye”. They wanted to know details and they maintained eye contact and responded back. He also told me that if I moved to the area they would love for me to help with a ministry called Serve the City. I sure love connections :)

I did more research of this church once I reached this super cool coffee shop I’m sitting in right now and the church has made many headlines such as “From Poles to Pews”. This church was planted 5 years ago and caused quite a noise in the large city of Atlanta because they took over a building that use to be a strip club. The people who built the church decided to leave shortly after the church was planted but they seem to still be doing amazing. I hope they make more headlines that rock Atlanta and turn a lot of heads because in my eyes they are the perfect church!

Now I am on my way to stay at an intentional community that lives in a Homeless Shelter. I’m so excited! I doubt I will have much internet access but keep looking for updates if you are interested. This could be an experience of a lifetime for me!

Never would have guessed it...

2009-08-01T14:54:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I think God is reminding me of all my old passions and bringing them out one by one. Today while everyone was swimming in the pond I was sitting on the pier giving financial advice. Anything from school loans to credit cards to credit reports to tax write-offs was mentioned. It was crazy how I could sit around and explain these things to my peers. I did not even realize how much knowledge I had but all of my jobs put me in a position to advise them. Hopefully I made some sense though and I helped someone.

First thing this morning I got to watch Amber teach 3 kids English. It was a cool process as they were so willing to learn! But I had enough in the classroom after an hour and decided to go play in childcare with Dora, Roberto, and another little girl. I love playing with kids (and acting like one too). Plus I could not help but think about the little Bantu kids in Fort Wayne, I hope they are doing well.

I decided today that this life is not for me. I talked to Amber and other Jubilee volunteers and I gained so much respect for them and all the hard work they put in for the sake of the community and for no financial gain. They take care of each other and demonstrate the Acts Church so well but this is one intentional community that I just could not live in. However, I love the ideas behind it and was made aware of urban intentional communities that help the homeless and visit prisons. Now that is my kind of life! I hope I can get in to visit this week! Homeless shelter here I come!

I am very thankful that amidst my bad attitude that I have such a great friend like Amber who can just let me be so open and honest. As I tried to shake my bad attitude from last night I was dealt some tragic news that broke my heart all day. Being away from friends when they are going through hard times is going to be hard for me.

Tonight I finally felt ok with being at Jubilee and found serenity in my circumstances. God’s creation is so beautiful when it is not tampered with by humans who think they can make it look better. I started to smile again and have a good time as I sat by the lake and as I watched a thunderstorm. I hope I get more moments to just sit and enjoy creation.

Thank you Dear Israelites!

2009-07-31T14:53:00.000-04:00

I left Kristi’s excited to go see Amber but when I looked at an Atlas I saw that there was no easy way to get to her. I pulled over and mapped it out to find 2 very different routes. One was more of a straight line but full of turns and side roads and the other was out of my way but only had a few turns on major highways. After remembering CIY last week I decided to take the way of the Israelites which seems out of the way but left me right where I needed to be.

The moment I saw the “Georgia on my mind” sign I texted Jen with excitement that I was finally in the same state as her; that’s when she texted back with “pray for me”. Because I took the Israelite way I was actually “coincidentally” passing her house! So I was able to turn around and take an hour out to spend with her. Thank you Israelites!

I finally reached Amber a few hours late because of traffic jams and wrong turns and as I pulled in I saw her jumping up and down. I jumped out of my car, before it was parked, and shed a tear and hugged her and Rochelle as they greeted me. The past few years Amber has been on an amazing journey and I was about to actually see a part of it!

Despite my overwhelming excitement tonight was rough for me. I don’t know why but my mind was elsewhere and my heart was heavy. I wish I could explain it but amidst my discouraging time I received the perfect text that said: “Well even when you don’t feel like being there you should make the best of it. Go exploring and go looking for God and I KNOW YOU WILL FIND SOMETHING AMAZING, AND YOU WILL HAVE A BLAST. Just pray about it.”

I am so blessed with amazing friendships, even if I am miles away!

And on the 7th day I rested

2009-07-30T14:51:00.000-04:00

Ok… I know it has not been 7 days but exhaustion and allergy medicine caught up to me and I slept most of today away.

Today was a relaxing day since I did not wake up till after 4. Kristi and I went to dinner and caught up on life and I realized why I came to Knoxville. Kristi is moving back to Auburn and is in the process this week of saying good bye to friends and I think that I came to help with the transition. I know she wishes I was in Auburn with her but it is her taste of Auburn before plunging back in. I will be sad to leave her tomorrow but I am glad that I got to see what the last year of her life has been like.

We ended up walking around downtown Knoxville today and while I did not get to see my homeless man I did play the role of dumb tourist and took lots of pictures so make sure to check them out! I will try to tell stories along the way of our ditzy, crazy times we had.

Also, make sure to check out the video I will be posting. Kristi found a cockroach in her apartment and when we got back she told me she found it and that it was dead… she lied. 15 minutes later I saw it a few feet away from me and the rest was just entertaining so make sure to check it out!

A day in Knoxville

2009-07-29T14:50:00.000-04:00

Tonight I had dinner with Eric & Cheryl. They were high school sweethearts who lost each other for 10 years, married other people, and have now been married for 20 years. It was awesome to see the two of them have such a great connection and understanding for each other and laugh and enjoy each other’s company as much as they do. They might possibly be the funniest people I have ever met so here are just a few stories from the night:

• Cheryl made Eric apologize for leaving a “stinky” in the bathroom.
• Cheryl thought it was odd that I thought it was odd that she dresses like an elf for Christmas. And it was not for a company Christmas party or for the enjoyment for little kids to see… she just does it.
• Eric explained “you know you are a hillbilly when…” jokes perfectly. I did not know that people owned up to being hillbillies and supported those jokes entirely while being able to even expand on them.• Cheryl’s step father is also her brother in law. Eric’s brother is also his father in law. Yes, the family trees grow in circles around here.
• Eric wore shorts that I think are illegal in all other 49 states, but for some reason seemed well loved in his household.
• Texting and sleeping are 2 things not allowed during movies. Eric will constantly pause the movie until I was done texting or Cheryl would throw water bottles at me until I opened my eyes. And no, taking allergy medicine before a movie is not a good excuse for falling asleep.

They openly discussed hard times in their lives and marriage and made an impact on me as they shared freely. I hope to see them again someday. Thank you Kristi for sharing your Tennessee parents (but you can have them back) :)

Kristi and I spent the rest of the night walking downtown where the first thing I noticed was a homeless man. I wanted to go and sit down next to him as soon as I saw him but since Kristi did not know about my passion and love towards them I did not want to freak her out until I warned her. I sent a message to Justin telling him how sad I was and how affected I was by seeing homeless people all over and he sent a message back saying “Help one in the name of God”; however, when I went back the man was gone. I hope I have another chance. I’m so glad that my passion for others is back.

I think I am going to learn a lot

2009-07-28T14:46:00.000-04:00

I had an incredibly hard time pulling out of my driveway today and saying goodbye to my dad so before I was even a block away I had to make a phone call and have Justin reaffirm me that I was doing the right thing for me. I have spend so much of my life wanting to please other people and not hurt their feelings, even at the expense of my own, that I did not really know what to do. I knew my family would not be happy with my decision but I knew it was what I needed so I took a risk and was selfish and did not care about how much it could hurt others that I just up and left. I apologize to those it affected that I might not have even known but please understand this is what I needed, at least for now, and please be excited for my journey because I definitely need the encouragement to keep going.

Justin needed a ride to Logansport and while I knew that was out of my way I did not mind and little did I know that it was a huge blessing in disguise. Since he was with me during the first part of the trip I could break down and have my freak out moments without worrying about getting into an accident or just feeling utterly alone. I like when God knows better than I do and by the time we got to his house, which took an extra few hours since Justin doesn’t know where he lives, I was confident and ready to embark onto the unknown.

Since I had such a long drive down South I listened to a lot of music and realized something important: when I was playing worship/praise music I did not get lost and had confidence to pull out 100 year old trees and throw them at people’s faces; however, when I put on secular music that I knew would not be God honoring or pleasing I would get lost and discouraged. Even when Justin and I had got lost I said “We need to get Satan out of this car and get Jesus back!” and sure enough as soon as I changed the station Justin says “ohh, there’s my house!”

Karalee gave me a call when I reached Indy to see what I was doing and gave me a challenge. So I will hopefully find a homeless shelter to stay in for a night or two. I can’t say no to a triple dog dare. Little did she know that she reminded me about how I have wanted to be homeless for so long now and that I really could be now. So HA to Matt, Michael Harter, and everyone else who told me I was a girl so I could not be homeless because it was not safe. Now I can and no one can stop me :)

I did not get to my destination until 3 in the morning and a few times I had tried to pull over and take a nap but every time someone would call me and give me enough energy to keep going awhile longer and so I made it with no naps, breaks, or incidents. Once I got to Knoxville, TN to stay with Kristi I had to pull over and charge my phone for a minute though because it was dead and I needed to get on my text messages to see where I needed to be going. I pulled into a Pilot gas station and talked to 2 female attendants to see if they would let me plug in my phone and while the one agreed the other one sent me outside to use a plug in by the ice machine. Well, she won unfortunately and I walked out to where it was completely dark and plugged my phone in. I looked up at one point because I kept hearing yelling and I saw a few men in a car yelling in my direction so I started to pay attention and they kept telling me to come to their car and they would let me use their phone. I told them that I needed a text but thanks but they did not give up and kept persisting that I should make my way over to their car and talk with them. I kept on my mission and was trying to think fast on how I was going to get to my car without it turning into a scene and that is when the police officer pulled in. He told them to stop talking to me and I watched him watch me until I pulled out of the parking lot. Thank you Mr. Police Officer for protecting me.

I learned today that coincidence is stupid and that it is taking away from time I could be praising God. I do not think it was a coincidence that my mom was gone when I woke up this morning and that my dad took a random vacation day on a Tuesday. I do not think it was a coincidence that I emptied out my room and that I could pack up quickly and fit everything I own into my car. I do not think it was a coincidence that Justin needed a ride and I needed him to support me and be my strength for awhile. I do not think it was a coincidence that when Satan music was not allowed in my car that I became found; too bad I did not figure out it was that easy before. I do not think it was a coincidence that people were awake and thinking of me and called me right when I thought I could not drive any farther. I do not think it was a coincidence that Karalee reminded me about my passion for being homeless; I can only hope that it means that I will get to do something with that on this adventure. I do not think it was a coincidence that the police man was there to protect me. I do not think it was a coincidence that Monday night I thought of Kristi and that she would be on my way down. I do not think it was a coincidence that she is moving on Saturday and I caught her right before she left. If any of these events would have had a little twist I would not be here in Knoxville, I would have been at home discouraged and upset. Hooray for noticing God winking at me ;)

What was I thinking?

2009-07-28T14:44:00.000-04:00

I have wrote, and rewrote this note many times because I really am having a hard time explaining why I left Indiana to see what else is out there for me. Since every paragraph I kept trying to write would have hurt someone’s feelings or caused other’s to assume and make this trip out to be something it is not I have decided to keep this brief.

The past month I have been reevaluating my life and running away from issues to try and rediscover who I am and where God wants me. Three months ago I would have told you that I was going to be a wife and mother and could not wait to marry the man of my dreams; since then, he left. I also would have told you how much I loved working at Kruse and how it really was the perfect timing for me to get hired in; and then they let me go. A few days after that I decided to go on a road trip and help out Monica for a week or so and had a great time. I got to take a deep breath and while my phone still rang with issues that were waiting for me when I got back, they did not seem as bad at the moment. Then I came home for a week and surrounded myself with art and throwing everything in my life away. Literally, I threw away 10 15 gallon bags of stuff and if you have seen my room I don’t even know where it all fit but I did know that I wanted nothing to do with possessions anymore.

Last week I was at CIY and I could no longer hide and suppress my emotions that I had been feeling. The week began and it was overwhelming for me to let myself feel the pain that I had been feeling for months but once I let that happen I could not stop and as I broke through the chains of hatred and anger I could see clearly that I needed to get my life back on track. At the end of the week I was asked what I had gained from CIY and I said “I think I got my smile back” and was instantly given affirmation that I was right and that people were happy that I was finally back to being Marci.

I came home excited because I thought I knew what my next step was and how I could further God’s Kingdom but within a matter of a few hours I was back to broken and wishing that I was anywhere but where I was. Even the next day as I sat with Monica she watched as my mood changed in front of her eyes and I was just in desperate need to be somewhere else, which surprised even me because Monica had been my haven throughout these trials. Sunday night and all day Monday I just kept struggling so I talked out my situation with Matt and I knew that I needed to leave Auburn as soon as possible.

Matt has watched me get overly excited about new ideas I have and has constantly reminded me to “not put all my eggs in one basket”. As I told him about how I could go stay in Georgia for awhile he said something I never thought he would say: “Put all your eggs in one basket and go”. That was all I needed. I knew he meant business and I knew that was the last push that I needed. We came up with a plan and I was to leave the next afternoon.

I woke up the next day terrified that my plan was going to fail and I would just be crushed but I was so wrong. The plan I created did fail but God’s plan went better than expected and I was on the road in a few hours. So now my journey begins. I don’t know what I will be doing or how it is going to turn out but I can say that I am so excited!

I Am My Mother

2009-03-15T15:15:00.002-04:00

Growing up I decided I wanted to turn out nothing like my mother. I did not want to live a life where I could just walk away from my kids and sleep with any man who walked by. I went to the extreme of avoiding all relationships that could lead to it because I did not want to be her. I avoided the jobs that she had, and other things that might seem ridiculous to you but was a heart felt fear for me.

Now, at age 22, I find out that I am her.

I have the same medical issues as her, so I am finding out and will even go to certain extremes about it. I reach out for attention and say that I don't want the physical but I also know that I am going to these people for a reason. We change men about as often as we flip the calendar to the next month. My life is a very selfish one, like hers. We both still mooch off of our parents and many many more.

My biggest fear was to turn out like her. I failed.

How do I get out of this? Do I have to change everything about me?

Can I get out of this? As my journey marked out to walk in her footsteps forever?

Identity Crisis

2009-03-09T18:49:00.002-04:00

I do not know who I am anymore.

For years I have been going through an identity crisis wondering who I am, where I came from, and who I am going to be. Sometimes I felt more alive and felt like I knew exactly who I was but I let people talk me out of it and destroy my ideas because it was "unrealistic". Growing up I knew where I came from to only find out about the lies and uncertanties once I turned 18. I also use to have a career plan, but college does not seem like the place for me and I have been told that I am not capable of doing the job I really want.

Why do people feel the need to discourage others so much? Lately I have been talking to my friends about what they wanted to be as a kid. One told me that she wanted to be a nurse but was told she would not like the blood, long hours at work, or all the classes she would have to take so now she is taking some art classes and wondering what she should do. Why did that person steal her joy and her path? I have another friend who wanted to be in the NBA but is told that he is not tall enough and thinks that he does not have the right skills. Really? If that is really what you wanted could you not practice those skills and at least give it your all to AT LEAST try out and find out why your not eligible instead of letting those around you tell you your not good enough?

I wanted to work with kids. I want to work with kids. But everyone tells me I need to work on myself first. I understand that, but maybe my rawness is a good thing because I will grow strength and I have not been told how to respond but I could respond with my heart and experiences to help kids in a way that people with an education have overlooked? I do not want to do exactly what I learned out of a book because it is "right", I want to do what is right and what will benefit the kid. I have also been told it does not pay enough and I need a job that pays. Why? Do I not trust that the money will come and God will take care of my needs if I am doing what I was created to do?

Mother Theresa once said "If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one". That's what I want to do. I would love to have a profession in helping kids, despite all the criticisms; however, if I could start with one to prove everyone wrong about me I would. I am tired of pieces of me being stolen and taken away from me because people around me are not encouraging. I wish I could see past their constant discouragement and just know that it is what I was created to do and what makes me happy. I wish people would stop stealing my joy and just let me be me so I can learn who I am all over again.

Path to Calcutta

2009-03-01T21:22:00.004-05:00

I wish I knew what path I was on. I have been wondering for a long time in hopes that my dreams would just come true along the way and that I would learn to be happy with my circumstances; yet, this has not happened how I thought it would.

In a podcast named "Finding Calcutta" Richard Roar states "It seems that we Christians have been worshiping Jesus' journey instead of doing Jesus' journey". Ouch. I don't think that most days I find myself doing either one and that is at the core of my discouragement. I long for new eyes and new ears and the strength to do something positive with them.

My life seems like such a waste and nightly I lay down and think about how someone else, almost anyone else, would have done so much more with the day than I did. I hate that. I want to be able to be proud of the days I walk this world and feel like I succeeded and did something worth while. I want to be able to reach people and touch them but if I do not discourage and put myself down enough those around me do a fine job.

I am tired of people telling me who I am. Please do not tell me my heart is too big and I need to stop caring. Why? I just want to live life with no regrets knowing that I was nice to someone who may not have deserved it, but this time something changed for the better because I gave them a chance. I was created with a big heart for a reason and I hate that people try to take that away from me. Please do not tell me to chase a guy and give him what he wants so it will work this time. Why do I have to? I am tired of chasing and it is not me. I tried it and just looked psychotic chasing for someone who did not want to be chased. And why is it so bad that I am inexperienced with relationships? It is not a priority to me and I wish people would just let that be and not judge me for it. People are taking pieces of me and making me be who I am not. I want to be Marci with no strings attached to anyone who can take credit for it. I want to be proud of who I have become because of me and how I was created.

I am looking to get back on the path of serenity. I want new eyes so I can get back on the path I need to be on without judgment. I have been spending a lot of time in bars lately because they have been looking out for me and treating me better than Christians have been. They let me be authentic and say how unhappy I am because they are unhappy too and they are grasping for air. So what if I finally take the stand to get back on the path? Think I can pull them out too? I do. That is where I want to begin.

The path of serenity is never ending and I am not going to be unrealistic about it but I know that the end of the path ends exactly where I need to be and I am going to look forward to that. I am going to look past the current discouragement and discontentment and learn to do Jesus' Journey and how I see it, no longer about how I am expected to see it.

I just hope that I really am strong enough to live this barbaric lifestyle, knowing that I will be persecuted and treated badly, and lean upon the one who will lead me to my Calcutta and my serenity.

Realizations and Resolutions

2009-01-04T23:34:00.007-05:00

(Beware: Scattered thoughts below)

I like to think of myself as independent and it seems like a lot of people think of me like that too. Multiple people in my life tell me all the time that I am so I have just come to accept it as truth.

I'm learning that I am no where close though.

I need constant affirmation, not much, but at least some sort of recognition or at least a note in passing. I need to be told "It's ok"... a lot. And I need to feel not alone, like someone else will take care of it. I don't expect people to necessarily take care of it unless there is some sort of plan, but I need to rest assured that someone has my back.

This past week I have asked a guy to beat another guy up. Do they know each other? No. Will it actually happen? No. Did he agree to it? Yes. Did I felt better? Lots. I also just asked my dad to take care of my fog light on my car. Did I have free time to take care of it? Yes. Could I drive my own car and handle it myself? Yes. Is it really any concern to my dad? No. Did he do it anyways? Yes. Did I feel better? Lots. I need that sometimes, so please just tell me you'll take care of it because most likely I just need to hear those words.

I'm pretty weak and maybe that is good so I can start at the beginning and make things better, but I am no one without those things. I am not as independent as I think I am.

~~~~~~

Lately my new approach to life is to be completely selfish. In my quest of not being people's punching bags I have decided that things need to go my way or I'm not participating.

So I have tried to tell my friends no, just to make a point, and that didn't work because I ended up alone, miserable, and completely avoided. I have tried to make more plans, but no one seems interested in keeping them or wanting to participate, so they never go through. I have tried to
overcompensate and take control in areas of my life that I can and not let others influence me, but now I am only doing myself an injustice. I have tried to call out for help, maybe to be the center of attention for awhile, and people kept on with their lives.

All in all, being selfish didn't turn out the way I had hoped. I think I failed on being selfish.

~~~~~~

I have been reading through my blogs for the past year on my private site that almost no one has and there is a very common theme: Loneliness.

2008 was a year of emptiness and sadness as I watched people choose to leave my life and people who had passed away unexpectedly. I started off losing my grandmother as she choose to push me out of her life (previous blog about that). Then I lost my dad's best friend who was a second dad to me. I miss him tremendously and Christmas was really hard this year because he was a man who believed in me and was excited to see what I would become. No one else has ever given me confidence like he has, and I have never been so unexcited about my achievements because I couldn't run and tell him. I lost the "man of my dreams" because most days I just don't measure up and there is always someone better around the corner.

And this list could continue...

Even amidst my crazy busy schedule and with people constantly surrounding me I have never felt more betrayed and alone. Many have just been insensitive towards me and not cared about my feelings what so ever and many have killed a piece of me without even knowing it because at times I have become so insensitized from it all that I just don't care to show that it is really hurting me. I hate that people have that kind of control over me, but that is how I operate.

So for 2009 I want quality and authentic friendships. I want to feel taken care of when I need it. I want to feel like someone has my back at all times. I do not want to be selfish. I do not want to be a punching bag. And I do not want to look at 2009 as a year of emptiness and sadness. I want 2009 to be a year full of hope and happiness.

But how do I make such a drastic transition realistically?

Who do you want standing next to you?

2008-12-27T13:29:00.008-05:00

If you know me at all, you know that I am obsessed with One Tree Hill. I get so involved with this show that I joke around that I am having my nightly dinner date on Monday nights at 9 because I feel like I know the characters that well that I just feel like we are going to dinner and catching up on the week's events. Feel free to laugh at me.

Anyways, I just saw an episode for the first time a few weeks ago and I can't get it out of my mind. Payton asked Lucas "Imagine a future moment in your life when all of your dreams come true and its the greatest moment in your life and you get to experience it with one person in your life. Who do you want standing next to you?"

Lucas first answered with some cute celebrity, but Payton made him dig deeper until he had a realistic name of someone who really could stand next to him.

I knew exactly who I wanted standing next to me because I would want this person to stand next to me when my dreams come true and when my world crumbles apart. I would not understand life or be able to get out of bed a lot of days without knowing this person had my back and would be there for me if I desperately just needed a friend to celebrate in the good times with or cry during the bad. Life without this person would be incredibly empty for me. However, I do have a list of others that I would call up for other events because they might get more excited about it or might understand the depth of the achievement or the depth of the heartache.

So now I ask... When you become All-American, who do you want standing next to you? When you get your book published, who do you want standing next to you? When you find out that you are terminally ill, who do you want standing next to you? When you own up to the addiction thats been controlling your life, who do you want standing next to you? When your cd gets signed, who do you want standing next to you? When you save the world by building fresh water wells for countries, who do you want standing next to you? When your friend steals the boy or girl you like, who do you want standing next to you? When you get married, who do you want standing next to you? When tragedy hits and you lose a parent or close friend, who do you want next to you? When you have/adopt your first child, who do you want standing next to you? When you get your dream job, who do you want standing next to you? Get the picture yet?

I obviously realize that some of these are silly and some are more serious but this has been on my mind a lot and this is my note so please bare with me :)

Is it bad to have a different person for every questioned answered? Or was the same person mentioned for every single question? Does that mean that there is no one that knows all sides of you but lots that know a little? Is that bad? I don't know... I struggle with this so I have no answers, if there are answers. However, I would venture to say that it is a bad thing if there is not one person that you COULD go to for all of these events. I also feel like if you are not fighting to be around that person that you answered to every one of those questions then it is time to reevaluate and search a little deeper and maybe reprioritize. I feel like if this person isn't continually pushing you to reach for your dreams it is time to move from them. I feel like if you haven't told this person that you love them and if you haven't shown them that they mean that much to you that you want them there for all of your defining moments, that it is time to grow up and show some appreciation back.

Maybe I am crazy, I probably am, but again it is just something I've been thinking about a lot. Maybe with all that said it is time for me to reevaluate or maybe it is time to grow up. Or maybe it is time for me to go to bed and stop writing notes. I'm gonna regret this one in the morning, I'm sure.

Expectations are Overrated

2008-12-25T02:14:00.004-05:00

Is it ok to not have any expectations of people? Is that the way life was meant to be lived?

I hate having expectations because I hate thinking any less of people when they don't live up to what I think they should, or could. They make me want to use the word "disappointed" as if I have some authority over them to use it, but I don't have any right.

I find myself getting depressed and really upset when people don't do what I think they are going to do. Like when people say they want to hang out tomorrow, I expect that they mean in the afternoon to early night, not 11 at night when everything to do is closed. And when I would drop everything I am doing to do something for someone else I expect the same treatment on occassion, not for video games and hanging out with people who have no interest in their well being to be picked over me. When I am comfortable enough to share my life story with you I expect you to respect that relationship enough to treasure it some, not extort it whenever you feel the need to get a good laugh. Then when people find themselves comfortable enough to call me out on things because they know me better than I know myself I expect that to be a thing to help the relationship move along smoother, not used to their advantage and my detriment to leave me merely as a punching bag just because they know they can. Or if I wait twenty some years to meet the people who left me I expect to barely be acknowledged and maybe receive a Christmas card or something, not for them to really want me around constantly and for them to come and try to change my whole life.

Most of the time I don't even feel like my expectations are high, I actually find them pretty low. Is it too much to ask for your close friends to chose to want to hang out with you one night every once in awhile? Isn't it realistic to think that your close friends would keep things secret when asked?

See expectations are overrated and just lead to personal disappointment. So why do I continue to have any hope that the next time might be different when I know I'm just going to end up hurt yet again?

Security Please

2008-12-22T23:45:00.001-05:00

I like to have a somewhat tough exterior and not let people in because the few times I have let the guard down I was completely demolished and I have not recoupperated enough to try again.

Last night during my typical "please leave me alone" speech that I give (but barely ever mean)this one particular guy said "maybe that right person hasn't been there to tell you its ok"

I just kinda sat there not knowing what to say back. I feel like there have been many people that I have let my guard down to so I almost felt insulted for them by this comment. Then I realized that even those people tend to still hurt my feelings enough that I still remain guarded. I am tired of being everyone's punching bag. And it was then that I realized, there is no one that I have been truly authentic with.

Maybe we are not always suppose to talk about what is going on, but I feel like that can't be true because I feel miserable as a result and I don't think God intended for me to be constantly miserable.

Too many times I am worried about everyone else's feelings. I worry that if I tell people what is really going on they will be disappointed, and I hate hearing that word. I worry that people will say "drama" and change the topic, and that just makes me feel ignorant and worthless. I worry that if I tell people it will cause more controversy and more hurt feelings so I think that I can take it on myself and just keep it all bottled up. I worry that people think they can fix me and it is not always that easy it seems. I worry that the judgemental looks will begin; I mean I am a Christian and they are generally the most critical group. I worry that it could alter a dominoe effect that I could not imagine yet and I would not want that either.

I sit in my room most nights just wishing that I could let people in. Some nights I will call people in an almost "911" call, but they generally do not pick up probably because it will be "drama" or they have better things to do then to talk to me. And those are the people I let in. Why? All I really want is to have someone to feel completely safe with being myself around because in turn that will give me confidence and security that I need to get by.

The one person I have probably come the closest to being truly authentic with disappears more than the great Hudini most of the time. They seem interested but when I call in desperation for my friend they disappear for a few weeks hoping the next time we are in contact maybe I will just forget or I will just be excited enough to be acknowledged that I will forget how bad my feelings were hurt the time before. I wish I could forget. Instead I put it all on myself and I am so tired of it. I don't want to be people's punching bags any more. I want to feel truly safe and not just call body guards to temporarily make the situation ok because I have found out that they are rarely consistent enough to really feel safe.

I know, and everyone knows who is reading this, that unfortunately these same people will continue to run over me, and I will let them, and this blog will seem like a waste of time and a waste of space that someone could have used to actually give them accountability to change. Maybe this is my Christmas Wish though.

For Christmas I want the right person to tell me it is ok and show that they mean it too and for life as I know it to change.

Most Days...

2008-12-14T23:27:00.005-05:00

I really don't like myself

I don't understand why people are my friends

I can't comprehend why youth, or anyone, would ever look up to me at all

I think that people who have died would have had a much more productive day and would have made a bigger difference in the world than I did

I lack common courtesy

My temper gets the best of me

I just cannot please anyone

I say things I don't really mean

I wonder when this pain I feel will melt away or will find some purpose

I read into my dreams maybe more than I should

I get involved in situations I really want nothing to do with

I hate disappointing people so I can't say no even if it is in my best interest

I let people hurt me and I don't stand up for myself because I would rather take it on myself

I feel like a constant punching bag for people

I think that drinking or using drugs will help me forget

I bottle up my emotions and avoid confrontation

I wish I was more artsy or had a talent to express myself

I am confusing and I long for normalcy but don't know where to begin

I have no idea who I am

I desire healthy relationships with people around me, but barely ever take the steps needed to achieve that

I push people away

I am scared of going new places

I wonder if my dreams will ever come true

I become offended of the word drama

It is just easier to stay in bed

Walking into a Panic Attack

2008-12-14T03:20:00.004-05:00

My friend and I always described the first day of school as walking into a panic attack. While the first day is always suppose to be somewhat exciting and boring all at once, we just felt as if we were walking into something that we could not predict. We had no idea who our lockers were going to be by, who would be in our classes, who we would have lunch with, and etc, and that can be somewhat terrifying on the first day when everyone is just trying to find their place to fit in. Once I graduated from high school though I figured that phrase would become outdated but there would be no other way to describe tonight though than I walked into a panic attack.

I went out to a bar in Fort Wayne and I was so excited to go because I was going with some of my close friends that I do not always get to hang out with. Our nights always consist of lots of laughs and new ways to make fun of each other (Carla: flannel is hot) but tonight I was just in another world. I knew where I was and I was aware of my surroundings but I was in a state of panic the entire time. As people walked around drunk and touching each other I kept my eyes open looking for my family and terrified of what I would find if I looked too hard.

My biological family gives me a lot of grief that I do not always lead onto because I feel like it is only my own problem since I opened the original door for them. I put all the weight on my shoulders and live this double life that many do not realize I live in and I am generally ok with that. Many on the outside do not understand some of my weird ways and how I ditch plans a lot or just avoid certain situations, but I promise that generally there is a rhyme or reason. And now because things did not turn out how I thought they would I just close new people off all together.

I realize that closing people out of what is really going on is not the right thing to do, but most days it seems like the only thing I can do. People run away from "drama" and messy situations because they do not want to get involved, and that I understand. But is there a point when it is not drama but it is real life? I do not think that life issues should always be labeled "drama" and I am generally offended by it. Did I invite my family into my life? Yes. Did I invite my family to try to completely change my life and alter it in ways I never could have imagined? No. So please do not say it is all drama because for me most days I fight to breath fresh air from this situation.

My biological family tells me how pathetic I am and if I would just come home than maybe, just maybe, I would become a better person. They also mention ways that they can make me join their lifestyle without my permission. Now I know that I am an adult and that they really could not do this but when you are called by your birth name and talked to like a child is talked to, it is hard not to revert back into my younger years when they did have control and a say over my life. It completely scares me and makes me want to hide in my room, under the covers, and hope that it all goes away most days if I am going to just be completely honest.

Tonight, going out in Fort Wayne, where I know they go out to, was a huge stretch for me and one that I did not enjoy. Maybe it was good that I got out, but for now I think I am going to go back to hiding under my covers because that is not a world I want to be apart of and fearing for MY life that I have created (whether I am proud of it or not) is not a battle I am ready to fight for yet or a panic attack I want to address any time soon.

Reckless, yet obvious, Faith

2008-11-13T02:30:00.000-05:00

Lately I have kept kind of quiet about my fears, failures, and future because honestly they are all a jumbled up mess and I have no idea what is going on most days. But lately I have been so jealous of Joel and his child like faith that I have to share it. If he does not prove the quality of Child like Faith I don't know whatever will. I find myself jealous of his faith and I wish I had that kind of courage to just ask for the best of the best; however, most days I am too selfish that I just want the here and now and I pray for vagueness and quick answers but I think God has been shouting at me to pray for more specifics because even though the Holy Spirit intervenes and makes my words perfect, I still need to stop asking for crumbs when I could be served top of the line steak.

I grew up in church so I know the whole "ask and you shall receive" line, so I ask ask and ask some more but Matthew, Luke, and Mark put this into more of a Joel perspective...

Matthew: "But Jesus was matter-of-fact: "Yes—and if you embrace this kingdom life and don't doubt God, you'll not only do minor feats like I did to the fig tree, but also triumph over huge obstacles. This mountain, for instance, you'll tell, 'Go jump in the lake,' and it will jump. Absolutely everything, ranging from small to large, as you make it a part of your believing prayer, gets included as you lay hold of God."

Luke: "Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn't a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing. You're at least decent to your own children. So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?

Mark: "Jesus was matter-of-fact: "Embrace this God-life. Really embrace it, and nothing will be too much for you. This mountain, for instance: Just say, 'Go jump in the lake'—no shuffling or shilly-shallying—and it's as good as done. That's why I urge you to pray for absolutely everything, ranging from small to large. Include everything as you embrace this God-life, and you'll get God's everything. And when you assume the posture of prayer, remember that it's not all asking. If you have anything against someone, forgive—only then will your heavenly Father be inclined to also wipe your slate clean of sins."

I want to accomplish major feets and triumph over huge obstacles! I want to stop with the cat and mouse game! I want to forgive more! I want to really embrace the God-life that was intended for me! But what does that mean? This seems so obvious, but so hard to grasp because if it was that easy, wouldn't everyone be doing it?

It is time to start praying for specifics. It is time to start praying that God opens the door so I can buy a business. I need to start praying for my position in the church and that I can be in the right place at the right time. I need to pray for the kids I cannot wait to adopt someday. I need to pray for money for that. I need to pray for my confidence, strength, and happiness. I need to pray for true, authentic friendships. I need to pray for my relationship with that heartbreaking boy and that he turns into my prince charming. I need to pray for my dream job. I need to pray for a forgiving heart towards my family. I need to pray that love always wins. I need to pray for doses of child like innocence. I need to pray that I never forget Joel and his courage of a mustard seed to ask questions and demand answers when no one else would.

But by asking for what I want to be done am I missing out on what God wants me to do?

Maybe if I understand God then I would not ask for things He would not intend for me to ask for?

Is it ever ok to ask for vagueness out of Faith that whatever happens will work out some how?

Maybe child like faith is only intended for children and these moments are only to remind me that they are precious but I am an adult now so should I be considerring more "adult-like" and "mature" issues?

Perhaps I am overthinking this whole thing and I just wasted a lot of time that I could have been doing something much more effective?

Unfinished Business

2008-02-23T16:47:00.000-05:00

As this week comes to end, so might a life, legacy, and a heart full of hurt.

Twelve years ago I lost a part of my heart as my best friend, my Grandma Kate, died. I admit that I was young and possibly to naive to realize the circumstances were intense and many family secrets were broken. During the most trying parts of the grieving process, my parents decided to try and replace the void in my life by allowing my other grandmother to reenter my life. I was timid at first because the last time I saw her she ran out of the house and when I ran after her she slammed the door in my face. I never asked her to come visit again and her name was never mentioned in the house so I felt like I had a right to present myself emotionally disconnected. I resisted being alone with her, I resisted letting her get close to me, and I resisted to give her a second chance.

One night I gave in, against my intuition, and spent the entire night with my grandmother and her husband because my three younger cousins were going to be there and I assumed it would be fun. Little did I know this night would haunt me and that her husband had an awful temper. I soon found myself in a war zone protecting my cousins from impending and unavoidable doom. But I failed and my little cousin had bruises to prove it. I sat there helplessly in front of my other two cousins and blocked their view and hoped that they would not be next; unfortunately, I could still see the rage in his eyes as he kept hitting her harder the harder she would cry. My grandmother stood right next to him watching and snickering, and she never once told him that he had went to far or to stop.

I hated the whole family for this soulless crime; however, I never told anyone what I witnessed because my cousins were to young to remember and I did not want to be the cause of another family feud. Once my grandmother’s husband died I decided to give her a second chance. I thought that maybe she could not stand up to him because she did not want to be next. I thought maybe she had nothing to do with it and instead I began to just hate the man laying in a casket; it seemed easier. My grandmother’s health decreased over the years forcing her to switch between all of her kids and I never minded having her around. She kept my mother entertained and allowed our family to feel useful, which in turn made us closer.

Life seemed to pass on by as the routines were created and our family seemed to get along until late one night when my mother and grandmother got into a terrible fight. They both probably said things they regretted but I do not think they realized how it effected me. Even as a 21 year old, I reverted back to when I was 10 and I hid. I was just beginning to let my walls down when I was reminded of the old days and it was then I realized that her husband was not the whole cause of that night but that she also had the abusive spirit within her. She was no better than him.

There was no second chance from this point; I was done. I have avoided every family get together intentionally and I even avoided conversations where she might become a topic. And now as she lays in her hospital bed with little hope to leave it I cannot help but wonder what to do next.

Is it really going to help if I go and make my peace with her? Should I remind her that I never forgot? Should I tell her how much she has hurt me? Should I tell her I forgive her? Should I tell her that while I will never be thankful for that night, I am appreciative that I received the heart to never let another child be hurt like that in my presence again? What if she died shortly after - would it be my fault? Could I live with myself and pronounce myself a Christian when I have so much hatred in my heart? Maybe its better that I do not have the opportunity to speak with her and that I bury the past in the ground with her when she dies?

Dreaming Big

2007-12-07T12:00:00.000-05:00

Chasing Daylight is a call to live a life of blazing urgency. We have but one life. We are given one opportunity to pursue our dreams and fulfill our divine purpose. Every moment counts, and we must engage them with fierceness and zeal. Put an end to passive observation, paralyzed by the need for perfect opportunity, and start seizing the raw, untapped potential of your life with God. Are you willing to risk failure? Are you ready to get in the game? You may stumble, but you will find yourself falling forward, propelled toward the God-inspired adventure He intends you to live. -Erwin McManus

So many people look back on their childhood and remember the vase amount of imaginative goals that consumed their entire playtime. Children dream dreams bigger than anyone I have ever met because they have absolutely no limitations and their sense of adventure makes the impossible come true. Generally kids choose occupations such as doctor, teacher, firefighter, or stay at home mom because they all share one major quality - they all involve heroes. Everyone longs to be the hero of some situation but many of us suffer defeat within our teenage and adult years because we listen to those who use to be our heroes, who now suggest the safe pathways of life. The parents who use to encourage the outrageous dreams and fantasies are now suggesting safe degrees that offer the biggest paycheck and our dreams are snatched in front of our eyes and life suddenly becomes dull and mundane.

I asked my parents if they remember what I use to dream about as a kid and they said that I never talked about the future or what I wanted to be when I grew up. I feel like I was robbed of the joys and freedom of being a kid allowed to pretend and imagine to my hearts content, and I am ready to make up for lost time. I love to dream even though people around me do not understand what I am thinking. As I still wrestle with the concept of going to California to pursue something new, I cannot help but think of the safe routine that has been created for me by mworking at the bank behind bullet proof windows every day and then going to Brewdailys afterwards to be surrounded by some of my closest friends. I need something new. I need an adventure. I need to take advantage of every moment I live with zeal. I am tired of the mundane routine of work, coffee shop, school, and church, that is not a life but steps leading to a safe life of settling for less that I deserve, and I want no part of that. I am tired of wanting for the perfect situation with all doors opening and putting forth no effort to obtain my dream job, it's never going to happen. I am ready to lie a passionate life directing towards my new dreams that seem crazy to the average person but make every ounce of sense to me. I want to be a hero.

I do not want to fall anymore unless I am falling into the unimaginable opportunity of a true God inspired lifestyle.

Living Barbaric

2007-12-02T02:00:00.000-05:00

"Jesus never made a pristine call to a proper of safe religion. Jesus beckons His followers to a path that is far from the easy road. It is a path filled with adventure, uncertainty, and unlimited possibilities-- the only path that can fulfill the deepest longings and desires of your heart. This is the barbarian way: to give your heart to the only One who can make you fully alive. To love Him with simplicity and intensity. To unleash the untamed faith within. To be consumed by the presence of a passionate and compassionate God. To go where He sends you, no matter the cost" -Erwin McManus

Lately I have really been into puzzles and trying to decide what my final result is going to look like once all the pieces finally come together. This disastrous masterpiece might not make sense to anyone who looks at it, but it will bring me the piece and comfort I have been longing for. It might even incorporate ideas that I have never thought of or that the church would ever recommend, but that is what makes me so excited and ready for the puzzle to come clear.

Many are already dismissing themselves as being part of my puzzle and I am also learning how to fit certain people in, but this has been very hard for me to grasp in the past few months. Letting people go is never easy for me, but for the purpose of fulfilling my deepest longings and desires of my heart, it sometimes seems necessary to let go of things that keep holding me back and preventing me from loving God as intensely as I should because generally I pour myself into others and forget about spending time with the God who wants to pour into me.

School is another puzzle piece that I cannot decide if it fits or not, but yet I continue to pay thousands of dollars into it instead of investing financially in others or investing my time into pursuing what I am being called to do or become. Essentially it might fit into my career piece in the future, but why am I wasting time now doing something that may never benefit the puzzle?

Work has been the main focus of my puzzle as of lately. My dream job has became available in my not so dream place at a not so dream time, so where does that leave me? Do I throw this puzzle piece in and hope that other pieces around it just adapt or is this the missing piece that makes everything else click just right?

The questions are definitely unending, but how God translates and rearranges the pieces is the idea of living as a Christian. However, excepting the crazy ideas and not living the normal expected way seems to be the Barbarian living inside of me screaming to try and understand the untamed faith within, no matter the cost. Am I ready for this outrageous adventure that lies ahead?

Oblivious to the Obvious

2007-06-04T14:00:00.000-04:00

This past weekend I picked up a new book and before I even reached the first chapter, I was convicted. We live in such a selfish world that we do not seem to care about the obvious needs around us. Organizations such as "Live 8" and "ONE" are makign waves and raising millions of dollars, but if you looked closely to the bands and speakers that make appearances to those events, you would see that there are no "Christian" bands or speakers anywhere to be seen. The greatest commandment given by Jesus Himself is to love one another; however, our Christian Bulimic ways are not really letting us comprehend that statement, they just allow us to say that at appropriate times to make it seem like we care. Instead of suporting these endeavors we are asking people to give us thousands of dollars to buy plane tickets to play with kids and put up a few pieces of wood so we can say we made a difference. While that is all great, why don't you save money on the plane tickets and send the money so you can house a couple of families? Better yet, fill up your gas tank and look around your own community because there is a lot more hurt in your own backyard then you might notice during a busy day.

The local homeless shelter is constantly looking for food because the left over canned asparagus, or the ever popular macaroni and cheese with Ramon noodles for desert, does not always help. Now the shelter is also looking for help on controlling diabetes and obesity because healthy and fresh foods are rarely donated. Due to the new seatbelt laws children cannot be taken by city transportation unless they have car seat and so many children cannot even go to the doctor's office without finding someone to take some time out of their day to take them.

Last night I even mentioned in my small group that some of us girls could maybe even team up and take a child to the doctor, and they said that it wasn't safe so it was immediately out of question. I know that's how most life-long Christians feel, but it just seems like we are missing out on our purpose here on earth.

The Introduction of Lady Luck

2007-05-25T19:00:00.000-04:00

Draw me a picture of how you feel inside. She drew the warm shores, the oceans crashing tide. She said I don't know how I feel but this is where I want to be. So won't you take me there and lay down next to me. You could throw me in the ocean, you could tackle me to the sand. You hold my heart in the palm of your hand. Take me to Vegas and we'll find lady luck and I will paint you something beautiful, how 'bout the happier sides of us? You are my gamble but you're the only thing, the only thing, I trust and its because I'll miss you. I wish you had a rhyme or reason, for us to be together- forever. Until the end of time, until your hearts forever mine. I'll miss you, wish you, had a rhyme or reason to say you love me too. Now tears bleed from these wounds you gave me, from the pain flow words thoughtless fake and empty, so where did I go wrong that evening? Times gone by still I find myself believing I miss you. When lady luck she knew the warm shores the crashing tides you drew would somehow paint me next to you." -Matthew Tyler

This song was written for me, when I was in high school; yet, this song rings true in my life still today. My black picture with bursts of color is the only constant as I struggle with the ever changing image. The color represents the times people have came into my life and showed me security and worth, while the overwhelming sense of black makes the color more vivid to the point of complete dispair when I remember that color only fades into gray scars with time.

Consistency builds confidence and allows the gamble to become greater and more sincere. Most would say thats what faith takes over since God is (and should be) the only constant, but without worldly examples this seems impossible, so can a person really understand God's stability and consistency?

Judging Stereotypes

2007-05-24T16:00:00.000-04:00

Recently I started noticing a girl with a broken arm and she asked me to pray for her unemployed father. Her nervousness towards the questions I directed to her made me curious and so I started to watch her even more from a distance. Last week I saw her fast asleep on a couch until her very affectionate father came to get her. Statistically unemployed fathers are most likely to abuse their children in one way or another, so should I report this based on the typical signs of abuse and risk damaging this man's reputation on an instinct?

A different little girl, I had never met before asked me to take her to the hospital because her head hurt, and while there were no apparent signs of her really being ill, I took her and her grandmother to the free clinic the next morning. This little eight year old then asked to be reminded why she was even there before she went into see the doctor and when she came out with a bottle of Toddler Tylenol her grandmother was furious that this was all they gave her to help the pain. On the drive home this 400 pound, toothless grandmother told me stories of her life and how her appearance has made her very lonely and how she spends many weekends in jail because of her inappropriate behavior that she displays frequently in public. A social worker might hear this story and want to step in to make sure that the grandmother was not trying to use this little girl to get her next fix, and to make sure that this little girl is getting the attention she needed in between the weekends the grandmother is incarcerated, so should I report this based on funny feelings and obvious attempts of reaching out for help and risk this family being separated?

The last two summers I have spent at least one night a week watching refugee kids while their Mormon Mothers become Americanized by Christian Women. I went back to the apartments this week and played with a family of five children ranging from 16 years old to a 2 year old with water on the brain, and there were no parents within sight. The 16 year old told me many stories about her strict father who longs for his children to keep their traditions and religious values of their native country of Chad. She told me how she desires to be a normal kid who can dress how they please, watch "Dancing with the Stars", and go to the movies with classmates. She is being robbed of the American Dream by having to live a life of seclusion as if she was still in Africa, but yet it seems to work for their family, so should I try to help her with her four little siblings so she can have a break from responsibility or just let them continue their parenting style without disruption?

Stereotypes of how people should live or what people are doing wrong are everywhere. Professors are teaching students how to identify people based on their actions, but is that always appropriate? Malpractice suits have reached an all time high as doctors are being taught to base diagnosis on prior case studies instead of analyzing what the current patient is dealing with right now and moving forward from the night time news, such as 20/20, has even began to stereotype people with their new series where they entice older men by finding their weaknesses, deceiving them, and then labeling them a "predator" for the world to know because the men fell for their inhumane traps.

How do we ever expect to move past stereotyping and start loving when it is engulfing every facet of life? When does love stretch far enough to see past symptoms and struggles and look into gifts and potential?

Fighting to Fight

2007-05-23T23:00:00.000-04:00

"This is how it has always been with me. Give me something good, I'll destroy it.
Love me, I'll destroy you. I have never felt deserving of anything in my life. I
have never felt as if I were worth the diseased space I occupy. This feeling has
inhabited everything I've ever done, seen or had anything to do with, and it has
infected every relationship I have ever had, with everyone I've ever known. I
don't understand it. I don't understand why it's here. I hate it as I hate
myself..."

Last night I was sitting outside Brewdailys and I drew a star next to these lines in the book "A Million Little Pieces" becase it is a statement that I fully understand, and for a brief second I knew the same hurt in James Frey's heart as it frequently resides in my own.

More often than not my apathetic side shines through because I feel so useless in a world that needs, and demands, so much. My passions and gifts seem unattainable and outrageous, and it is absolutely devestating as it effects my entire being.

I want to be able to pull over on the side of the road and lend my cell phone to a man who needs to cal lfor help, without having to think about being raped or murdered. I want to be able to state that I am concerned about a child's safety, without being accused of jumping to conclusions and being a product of the media. I want to be able to be 15 minutes late to work because I helped make someone elses day a little bit easier, without being written up by my boss. I want to be free to not go to college, without seeming like a deliquent going no where in life. I want to be able to be put in charge of something, without an adult taking over saying that I am inadequate to fill the position when I know better. I want to be able to speak up for myself, without seeming bitchy or arrogant.

These hopeless causes I continue to fight are getting me no where fast, and are ruining some of my closest relationships as others do not understand the passions and fears that effect my every action. I want to live a life free of expectations and full of purpose. I want to feel like I contribute to those around me, not infect them. Yet, if I know what I want, why is it so hard to do?