The Rollarcoaster of 2010

This year I have had a hard time writing back on the past year because it has definitely been a year full of challenges. But oh well, lets see what I can remember.

January – I got back with Ren (only 2 years later) and things were perfect. Spending every night kissing and holding each other was a dream come true; but of course ended the month letting him see my drunken side, which did not go so well.

February – Ren left me and so I drowned myself in my 21 credit hours of school and just spent the month missing him and trying to get him to come back.

March – Well the 6th was a night of magic for Ren and I and we began our track to regain the love we knew was there. I then turned around and spent the week in Florida with my parents and ending the trip in Durham with Uncle Wayne.

April – April was just a crazy month as I spent the semester trying to finish the semester strong while also maintaining and building a relationship. Also, FaithLynn had her surgery and Mariah spent the week with us so we got to experience a crash course in parenting while driving over 1000 miles that week between Auburn, Indy, to Wabash.

May – Things of course got rough again as I turned into my depressed self and pushed Ren away. I let my emotions get to me and pushed Ren to be around a girl who made me think that he cheated with her. I kicked him out and did what I do best, tried to run away.

June – The morning of the 3rd I wrote Ren a letter and felt confident that we needed another 2 year break. I did not want to be done, but I just did not feel like we were ready (or maybe just I wasn’t ready to let someone fully in). Later that afternoon my life was changed when I took 2 pregnancy tests that turned out positive. I told Ren and although I know he secretly wanted to be happy, it just felt like bad timing and he of course questioned if I was telling the truth so I took the 3rd positive pregnancy test the next morning. We were excited but those around us were not and my mother cried. The 25th Ren took a huge step and asked my dad if he could marry me. Even though my dad warned him of my craziness it did not turn Ren away and I spent the next few days guessing how I thought he would propose. I told him I thought it would be under the fireworks (because that is what I always wanted) and to my surprise he got all defensive. Then the 29th I lost a piece of my heart. As Ren and I went to our first baby’s doctor appointment we were ecstatic but clueless about how the process worked. As we went into the ultrasound room I could tell that our midwife was having problems finding their heartbeat. I left devastated knowing that this was not going to turn out good but Ren of course was strong for our family. We went back the next day to a very cold ultrasound tech who walked out of the room with a somber “I’m sorry” which was followed by a doctor who told us that they could not find their heartbeat and we had lost our first child.

July – The 1st was an awful day as I was forced to face the reality of losing our first child. I never would have made it without Ren as he was there for me every minute and did not let me sit in my misery but let me cry when I needed to. Previously I was worried that he was a controlling guy, but this day changed my perspective as I knew he was not controlling me but looking out for me. The 4th we went to the Bixler Lake Fireworks and as we were sitting there the thought of how I wanted to be proposed to crossed my mind; however, I knew he did not have a chance to get a ring so as I almost made a sarcastic comment such as “now would be a perfect time to propose” he pulled me in and started talking sweet to me. He was very casual and told me how much he loved me and asked if I wanted to spend forever with him (which was not an uncommon conversation for us) and he asked if I would marry him, but I was completely clueless that he was actually proposing till he slid a ring on my finger when I said yes. It was perfect. Very romantic, very low key, and the perfect man. We spent the rest of the month planning out wedding. We wanted to get married in October when we were pregnant and we decided to keep the date regardless of losing our child.

August – I hadn’t started my period and I was starting to freak out about it a little bit so I grabbed a pregnancy test while Ren was at work, without him knowing. August 10th we found out that we were expecting again. We were both in shock and did not tell anyone. We found ourselves back at the doctor’s office a few weeks later and I was Captain Negativity. I cautioned Ren before we walked in and asked him if he was ready to lose another child; however, we were in complete shock as we walked in expecting to walk out losing another child but really walked out with two kids. We even got to hear our kids’ heartbeats!

September – We took our first road trip (or pre-honeymoon) and went to Florida to spend the week with Ren’s grandma. On our way back I had spotting and was scared that we lost them, but went back to the doctor’s office and they were still doing good.

October – The 16th we got married! While I protested a big wedding and avoided eye contact with the audience at all costs, I really did enjoy myself. I never felt so good about myself and I even got to wear my first dress! We used our dollar dance money to get a hotel and woke up to a nightmare. I thought I felt something weird so I walked to the bathroom and when I turned on the light I saw blood all over. This is not how I expected to wake up my first day married but I started crying and yelled for Ren and he handled the situation like a pro and was on the phone with our doctor within a few minutes. We spent the afternoon at the hospital but the kids yet again made it through another trial and I was diagnosed with a hematoma. On the 20th we found out we were definitely having a (showoff) boy, Rallen. They could not guarantee that the other baby was a girl but they were sure, and a few weeks later we did find out that we were going to have a little princess, Gabriella.

November – The honeymoon did not last long as my relationship problems quickly emerged and exploded. Thanksgiving Eve the fighting got so intense that the night ended with holes in the walls, police stations, car chases, and moving out. Our problems were quickly exaggerated and I was quickly wondering if I was going to end up being a single mom of twins.
December – I moved back in with my parents and had many complications with my health. Still don’t know what is going to happen with Ren, but I’m devastated. That I do know. On a good note, I finally graduated from college.

I don’t know what 2011 will bring. All I know is that emotionally I am a mess and have a lot to figure out before my kids get here. I just want to be a good mom, I hope next year I can say that I love my kids and put them first and that I am a family. I want Ren to come back to us.