The Road to Recovery

Yesterday was another hard day in my book of life. As I got out of bed, from my sleepless night, I could not stop crying. I did not want to walk out the door but as Ren said it was time I knew it was inevitable and I wasn't going to be waking up from the nightmare.

We walked up to surgery and thankfully I got a nice nurse and I lasted through all of the questions until the very end. As I laid there in my backless gown crying Ren just kept holding my hand, but I knew he was having a hard time too so I let him lose himself in my laptop and I stared out the window.

I wondered how people could be outside enjoying such a nice day when I was inside suffering. I felt like it wasn't only my baby who was losing life that day but another part of my heart went with my nameless baby. As I kept wondering what my friends were doing to enjoy the sunshine I finally became a little unselfish and wondered what I would be doing outside while unknowingly people were inside suffering. It was eye-opening, but than the mood changed asm ore doctors came in to talk to me and I remembered why I was there.

The nurse took me down the hall before Ren could kiss me and that is when the tears started to flow. Thankfully the doctor quickly knocked me out but they later told Ren that I passed out crying. I do not remember this, but I do remember waking up in Recovery scared because I did not know who the lady was standing over me.

In a quick panic I said "Where's my baby?" and as the tears grew in her eyes they started flowing from mine as I remembered. She told me that the baby was pretty much just tissue and I would never be able to hold that or see that and I just remember crying harder and harder imagining them just putting my baby that I wanted to love deeply in a bag and throwing my baby in the garbage.

I began to have a panic/anxiety attack really bad and two nurses were by my side as my breathing was completely flat lining for long periods of time. I kept asking for some medicine or Ren and they said they could not give me either but as I kept flat lining they decided to take me out of Recovery early and let me go to Ren. He just held my hand as I shook and cried and gradully I calmed down. I was no longer alone staring at some stranger, but the love of my life and the father of my baby was there feeling the same pain.

Once we left the hospital I was actually doing really good and did not mind going out. We did some walking around but it quickly wore me out and we fell right asleep to a movie. Unfortunately I woke up at 2:30 in the morning in complete agony. I could not move any of my body parts except for my fingers and toes and I started crying again as I was reminded why my body hurt so bad. I miss being pregnant, I miss my baby.

When I would wake up hurting last week I would just rub my stomach, or Ren would, and I would bear with the uncomfortableness but now I just cry. It is not fair that I feel symptoms and have to be constantly reminded of what was taken from me. I have pretty much been up ever since trying to get more pain medicine and adjusted by the chiropractor because my body feels like a pressure cooker that could pop any second. It is just the beginning of the complications I would probably experience but I'm scared that the waking up and having crying spells is not going to end any time soon. Even looking at babies or little kids right now makes me emotional, I wanted that, I wanted a family, I wanted to love that baby like no one else has love a child before.

I am scared of having to go through this process another ten times. I'm scared of even going through it another time but I don't want to give up on our dream of having a family either.

Maybe it is time to give up and go to counseling after all... Maybe my stubbornness is softening?