Where's My Happy Ending?

Words cannot begin to describe this deep sense of agony I feel. Today I lost my child, and I don't even have a name for my baby. I don't even know if my baby is a boy or girl, or if my baby knows how much Ren and I wanted him or her. Does the baby know that we were planning our lives around loving this baby? Does the baby know how much I hate ccalling it "it" because our baby is a human being. I saw the baby and no one can take that from me.

However, tomorrow this baby will be taken from me. What if I did not let them take the baby from me? I hurt so bad that if the baby took my life I feel like it would be worth it to give this baby a chance to live.

What did I do wrong? I know the doctors and my friends say there is nothing I could have done but that does not seem right. Did I stay out to late? Was I around too much smoke? Did I not eat the right things? Was I too depressed? Did I drink too much before I knew I was pregnant? Was it the strep throat medication? Was I just too fat like my mom said? Was it because I am too selfish to care for any one else like my dad said? Was it because I did it out of wedlock like the church said? Was it because I prayed to God that if there was anything wrong with this child that he would just take the baby from me? I did not mean it, I thought God was suppose to know my heart and would know that I could handle it and would love that child regardless. I feel like my body is defective.

I wrote a letter a few weeks ago to the baby describing the world they were about to enter; ironically, I wrote it about the same time the baby stopped growing. I also got a crib and a car seat but as I stare at the mattress leaning against the dresser it just all seems so stupid.

Why do I have to still have symptoms? It seems to taunt me and seem like it is just there to remind me about how I lost the child rather than how it was suppose to be a blessing.

Will people ever stop coming up to me and ask me if I am just drinking coke or how the pregnancy is or if we want kids? This is why I don't like people right now, I want to wallow in my miseries, I want to be left alone, except for by Ren. I never want him to leave my side.

I am so selfish as I cry all the time about the pain but Ren is right there hurting too and worrying about me as well. He is hurting more than me and I can barely get him to talk about it as he is trying to remain strong for me. I love him for that but I hate myself. I wish I could be strong enough for all three of us. I wish something in my life would go easy for me so our relationship could be better and I could be everything Ren needed and wanted.

I keep hearing it happens for a reason, it will get better, that lots of women have had miscarriages; yet, it does nothing for me. I know all of these things but I do not want to hear them. I want to be miserable and wish that I could hold my baby, give our baby a name, and love this baby like no one else possibly could. I want this baby to know how deeply it was loved and always wanted for the eight weeks he or she was inside of me.