(Beware: Scattered thoughts below)
I like to think of myself as independent and it seems like a lot of people think of me like that too. Multiple people in my life tell me all the time that I am so I have just come to accept it as truth.
I'm learning that I am no where close though.
I need constant affirmation, not much, but at least some sort of recognition or at least a note in passing. I need to be told "It's ok"... a lot. And I need to feel not alone, like someone else will take care of it. I don't expect people to necessarily take care of it unless there is some sort of plan, but I need to rest assured that someone has my back.
This past week I have asked a guy to beat another guy up. Do they know each other? No. Will it actually happen? No. Did he agree to it? Yes. Did I felt better? Lots. I also just asked my dad to take care of my fog light on my car. Did I have free time to take care of it? Yes. Could I drive my own car and handle it myself? Yes. Is it really any concern to my dad? No. Did he do it anyways? Yes. Did I feel better? Lots. I need that sometimes, so please just tell me you'll take care of it because most likely I just need to hear those words.
I'm pretty weak and maybe that is good so I can start at the beginning and make things better, but I am no one without those things. I am not as independent as I think I am.
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Lately my new approach to life is to be completely selfish. In my quest of not being people's punching bags I have decided that things need to go my way or I'm not participating.
So I have tried to tell my friends no, just to make a point, and that didn't work because I ended up alone, miserable, and completely avoided. I have tried to make more plans, but no one seems interested in keeping them or wanting to participate, so they never go through. I have tried to
overcompensate and take control in areas of my life that I can and not let others influence me, but now I am only doing myself an injustice. I have tried to call out for help, maybe to be the center of attention for awhile, and people kept on with their lives.
All in all, being selfish didn't turn out the way I had hoped. I think I failed on being selfish.
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I have been reading through my blogs for the past year on my private site that almost no one has and there is a very common theme: Loneliness.
2008 was a year of emptiness and sadness as I watched people choose to leave my life and people who had passed away unexpectedly. I started off losing my grandmother as she choose to push me out of her life (previous blog about that). Then I lost my dad's best friend who was a second dad to me. I miss him tremendously and Christmas was really hard this year because he was a man who believed in me and was excited to see what I would become. No one else has ever given me confidence like he has, and I have never been so unexcited about my achievements because I couldn't run and tell him. I lost the "man of my dreams" because most days I just don't measure up and there is always someone better around the corner.
2008 was a year of emptiness and sadness as I watched people choose to leave my life and people who had passed away unexpectedly. I started off losing my grandmother as she choose to push me out of her life (previous blog about that). Then I lost my dad's best friend who was a second dad to me. I miss him tremendously and Christmas was really hard this year because he was a man who believed in me and was excited to see what I would become. No one else has ever given me confidence like he has, and I have never been so unexcited about my achievements because I couldn't run and tell him. I lost the "man of my dreams" because most days I just don't measure up and there is always someone better around the corner.
And this list could continue...
Even amidst my crazy busy schedule and with people constantly surrounding me I have never felt more betrayed and alone. Many have just been insensitive towards me and not cared about my feelings what so ever and many have killed a piece of me without even knowing it because at times I have become so insensitized from it all that I just don't care to show that it is really hurting me. I hate that people have that kind of control over me, but that is how I operate.
So for 2009 I want quality and authentic friendships. I want to feel taken care of when I need it. I want to feel like someone has my back at all times. I do not want to be selfish. I do not want to be a punching bag. And I do not want to look at 2009 as a year of emptiness and sadness. I want 2009 to be a year full of hope and happiness.
Even amidst my crazy busy schedule and with people constantly surrounding me I have never felt more betrayed and alone. Many have just been insensitive towards me and not cared about my feelings what so ever and many have killed a piece of me without even knowing it because at times I have become so insensitized from it all that I just don't care to show that it is really hurting me. I hate that people have that kind of control over me, but that is how I operate.
So for 2009 I want quality and authentic friendships. I want to feel taken care of when I need it. I want to feel like someone has my back at all times. I do not want to be selfish. I do not want to be a punching bag. And I do not want to look at 2009 as a year of emptiness and sadness. I want 2009 to be a year full of hope and happiness.
But how do I make such a drastic transition realistically?
